Reflections on Entering a New Year

There is something about the week between Christmas and New Years Day that puts me in a  contemplative mood. It is probably enhanced by the fact that the house is quite again, after the Christmas Celebration earlier this week.  We had all the kids and grand kids here for twenty-four hours.  What a delight! 

Perhaps it is because I am growing old, and slowing down too I might add, I probably spent more time watching and listening this Christmas than in years past.  I still find it hard to believe that I am closer to seventy, than I am sixty.  Where has the time gone?  Forty-three years of marriage, three married children and three grandsons.  I guess I really am old, but then I talk to my mom who is ninety-one (something I do every Sunday) and she puts things in perspective.  Mom has always had trouble hearing and now her eyes are failing as well, but she still finds reasons to celebrate life.  There is little complaining.  She is more concerned about my welfare and that of my family than anything else.

So what does all this mean, as we stand on the brink of 2013?  I don't know what the year will hold.  I am sure there there will changes - especially if our leaders can't get together and find a solution to this fiscal crisis our nation is in.  Getting older does open up the possibility of health issues.  My wife, Barb, is still going through the transition into retirement.  Through it all I can honestly say that God is good and faithful.  Our future here on this earth is always in a state of flux, but our future is secure.  The Christ Child took care of that.  2013,  like 2012, will be another year to rest in the arms of His Peace. 

As one year rolls into the next, this is the message we must convey to our children and grandchildren.  Jesus told his disciples, "In this world you will have trouble, but fear not: I have overcome the world." (John 16:33b).

In Search of Christmas Peace

I sense that many of those around me are having a difficult time finding peace this Christmas.  We are still struggling with the murders of the children in Newtown, Connecticut and then there is the threat of the "fiscal cliff."  This is not the first Christmas where I have experienced this.  I recall the past holiday seasons where there has been a sense of unrest.  1963 in particular comes to mind.  President Kennedy was assassinated only days before Thanksgiving and as a result there seemed to be a pall over the entire holiday season. 

Tragedy and unrest are nothing new in this world.  Consider the world into which the Christ Child was born.  The Jews were an oppressed people.  Even the lives of the holy family had been disrupted because Caesar had decided he need to make sure he was getting his fair share.  On arrival in Bethlehem they found themselves "street people," their only shelter being a stable.  The tragedy came later when Herod, out of jealousy, ordered the murder of innocent children.

Very few people caught the vision of "Peace on Earth" in those days.  I believe that Mary and Joseph sensed it, as did the shepherds.  Simeon and Anna sensed it (see Luke 2:21-38).  I pray that you will sense it too during this Christmas Season.  Remember Jesus' words to his disciples, "In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).

Celebrate well this Christmas.  In the midst of tragedy and uncertainty we have peace... the peace found in a manger. 

Every Gunman has a Parent

I was left numb today by another mass shooting.  This time it is an elementary school and children are among the victims.  This follows another shooting earlier this week in a shopping mall in suburban Portland, Oregon.  It's at the point where nothing shocks me anymore.  Schools, factories, offices and even churches have been the scenes for mass killings.  Once again we are hearing cries for stronger gun control.  I have never owned, or even fired, a gun, but I have many friends who do.  All of them seem to be normal, emotionally stable individuals.  I don't think outlawing guns, other than for hunting purposes, is the solution.

What I do think we need to be doing a better job at is identifying those who could potentially become involved in anti-social behavior.  Like cancer, early detection means a better possibility of effectively treating.   During my years of working with teens I can recall numerous times when I saw the beginnings of behavioral patterns that I saw as troubling.  I usually sought out a colleague who also knew the teen, seeking their opinion.  If they saw the same pattern and shared the same concern; The individual was on my radar.  I usually attempted to get close to the teen, when possible within their peer group.  If I sensed their friends shared a similar concern, it was time to get parents involved.  This is usually when things got complicated.  You see, in most cases parents "wear rose colored glasses" when it comes to the behavior of their child.  Seldom did parents share my perspective.  Even if they did they were reluctant to act, usually taking a "they will grow out of it," stance.  Rarely did they ask me to refer them to someone for professional help. 

I sincerely believe we need to address this issue within the family structure.  When parents see their children having anger control issues, exhibiting violent tendencies or the beginning of anti-social behavior, they need to address the issue and not ignore it.  Secondly, we need to move past the stigma of asking for professional counseling and help.  The reality is we all need some professional help somewhere along the line.  When it comes to our teens, we might just be saving their future, as well as the lives of others who they might potentially harm along the way.

Putting an end to violence begins at home.

Young Souls at Risk

I just finished reading the book Sticky Faith by Kara Powell and Chap Clark.  At a time when so many youth and young adults are turning their backs on the institutional church this book is must read book for parents and all Christians who have a relationship with a teenager.  If you are a member of a church, this includes you.  The nurture and caring of children and young people is a responsibility we share. 

A Sticky Faith is:

Both internal and external,
Both personal and communal, and,
Both mature and maturing. 

Such a faith continues to grow and flourish during the college and young adult years; the exact time when so many formerly "strong and committed" Christian youth are walking out the door.

One key component is a "Sticky web of Relationships" (chapter 5 in the book).  One concept Kara a and Chap introduce is the 1/5 ratio.  As an educator I thought I understood the concept, but the authors are not talking about one adult for every five students in a youth group or Bible class.  They are suggesting that every Christian young person should have five adults in their lives who are having a significant impact on the spiritual development of that teenager. 

I suggested similar relationships in my book Parenting Without Guilt.  One mistake parents make is not providing a support system for their teens.  It's important that the adults who make up that support system share a similar faith and values perspective with mom and dad.  Youth leaders, scout leaders and coaches all are in a position to impact the lives of your kids.   Kara and Chap go a step further in being more intentional.  They suggest maintaining an open line of communication with those folks.  They encourage parents to talk about those relationship with their teen and including those adults in their daily prayers. 

If the teens in our worship community are to have a Sticky Faith that grows and matures during their college years and beyond, it is a shared responsibility to make that happen.  More than the future of the church is at stake.  We are talking about young souls that are at risk.

 

Thanksgiving 2012: Learning Flexability

We celebrated our National Day of Thanksgiving last week.  Thanksgiving has become my favorite holiday.  My wife might differ since she is the one who does the cooking, but for me it's a relaxing time with family.  There are not a lot of decorations to put up, and no gifts to be bought.  I don't recall ever sending out Thanksgiving cards.  My tasks are simple: get the house cleaned, make sure all the leaves are in the dinning room table and then carve up the turkey once the family arrives.  Our family celebration of Thanksgiving has become a twenty-four hour event.  We spend time playing board games with the kids, playing football in the backyard and those who wish to participate in some Black Friday shopping.

We faced a dilemma this year, however.  This was the first Thanksgiving that all our our children are married.  We learned early on that our daughter, Katie, and husband John were going to be in Houston with his family Thanksgiving Day.  Our youngest son, Mark and his new bride, Kristen, were going to Georgetown, Texas to be with her parents.  With the two youngest siblings gone, our oldest son, Peter, and his family decided they would spend the day with Amy's family in Whitesboro, Texas.  As a result we were faced with having to spend Thanksgiving Day in our empty nest.

There was some despair once we realized our traditional schedule was in jeopardy, but I was confident that our kids would work in time with mom and dad.   First-off my wife might put on the the best Thanksgiving Feast in  the south and no one wants to miss out.  Secondly, they enjoy time together.  Instead of fretting, I waited until they worked out the schedule between themselves, and indeed they did.  The kids started drifting in Friday afternoon and Barb had the traditional dinner ready for 5:00 PM.  It even extended into Saturday.  Everyone was here for breakfast and more fellowship.  They even took time to help me with chores: raking leaves, hanging the Christmas light and cleaning out the chimney.

One of the things that I am learning in my old age is flexibility.  There are no longer any "givens" and all things are in a state of change.  Secondly, if you love your kids unconditionally and provide a place of refuge and relaxation they will always find their way back home.  

By the way, they even watch out for us: Our daughter-in-law Amy invited us to join her family 's Thanksgiving celebration in Whitesboro.  In the process we discovered another family that shares the same faith and values. 

Some Thoughts on our Divided Country

The recent national election provided another example of how divided our country is.  The margin of victory for President Obama over the Republican candidate, Mitt Romney was only 3 million votes.  Even though the election was lost, 48% of Americans voted for Mr. Romney, in effect voting against the present administration.  Looking at a map of our country, the divide is obvious.  The President gained his support from the northeast and the west coast, while the Republicans remained strong in the south. 

Currently, one of the most divisive issues is that of gay marriage.  Our president supports gay rights.  That stance mirrors almost exactly the election results.  Support for gay marriage is strongest in New England (62%) and the Mid-Atlantic (57%) regions and lowest in the South Central region (35%).  Opposition is the strongest in the south; 56% in the South Central and 48% in the South Atlantic regions.  Public opinion on the president's health care reform package is similar.  The ultimate example of the chasm might be the votes cast by evangelicals.  72% of evangelical Christians voted for the Republican candidate, while only 23% voted Democratic. 

I have heard a lot of "Whoa is us" comments in these post-election days.  There is even a campaign to have The State of Texas, where we live, secede from the union.  I prefer to view our present situation as a challenge.  I would encourage those who share my perspective to do the same.  This is especially important for parents of teens.  If our traditional faith and values are to be past on to the next generation the responsibility lies with us.  We certainly cannot look to the government,or the education system to impart our biblical value system. 

There has never been a more critical time for Christian parents.  We need to not only be teaching faith and values, but living them out.  More importantly, we must be pointing to The Scriptures and helping young people understand what God''s desire is for his people.  And while we are doing that, we need to be praying for our leaders, especially our president and the member of  the congress.  The future of our nation and the souls of our children are at stake.

Schools and the Private Lives of Their Students

Highland Park High School is in the news for all the wrong reasons.  For those not familiar  with DFW Metroplex, Highland Park is a very affluent community within the city of Dallas.  Locals often refer to the "Highland Park Bubble."  The cities of Highland Park, and adjacent University Park, seem to exist in a world and culture of their own.  As expected, Highland Park High School is one of the top schools in the state of Texas both in academics and athletics.  Yesterday it was reported that HPHS had suspended over thirty students from extra-curricular activities.  The discipline was not the result of anything that took place on campus, rather a response to something that took place off campus, after school hours.  The students attended a concert at a local club where there were reports of illegal behavior by teens.  Both alcohol and drugs were present, and witnesses reported seeing many teens involved.  This follows, by a week, the arrest of a HPHS athlete on a rape charge.  The varsity baseball player had attended the same concert and met the victim, and other HPHS student, at the event.

This raises the question: Can a school punish students for behavior that takes place off-campus outside the context of a school activity?  In other words: Do schools have the authority to discipline students for the things they do on their own time?  I had to face this issue personally during my years as a high school counselor.  My response was always "Yes."  Our school had a zero tolerance policy when it came to drugs and alcohol.  Our student handbook (as does the one for HPHS) noted that it was against school policy to even be in the presence of drugs and alcohol.  A student was disciplined after the first offense.  It was usually my responsibility to follow-up with the student to help them make better choices in the future.  Sometimes it involved alcohol and drug related counseling, but most of the time it meant sensitizing them to the dangers of under-age drinking.  If there was a second offense the students was asked to withdraw from the school.

I seldom encountered any resistance from parents.  In some cases they were not aware of the at-risk behavior.  I always tried to work in concert with parents, providing both resources and support.  If there was an objection it came from the student.  We were sometimes accused of running a "police state."  In the minds  of the kids; We, as a school, should have had no control over what they did on their own time.

One of the critical components for parents is a support system.  It's important to have adults who share our values, and concern for our kid's welfare, involved in their lives.  Teachers, counselors, coaches and administrators should be viewed as advocates for what we as parents are trying to accomplish.  I am not saying that every person in the education system makes our kids their top priority.  Like in every profession, their are some misfits, but until they violate our trust they need our support and encouragement.  It's a tough world and we, and our children, need all the help we can muster.

The Saints in My Life

Today is All Saints Day.  It's ironic that I am in Michigan, because I grew up here.  The saints who impacted my early life all lived here.  Some of them were relatives: like my dad and my grandparents.  Others were adults who I knew through church and school: Pastor George Kurz, my Sunday school teachers and youth group counselors.  One of those special saints was my Aunt Phyllis.

Phyllis Ulbrich was my mother's younger sister.  Neither she or my mother's brother ever married.  Aunt Phyllis and Uncle Don were my Baptism sponsors, which made them my godparents.  They took that role seriously and actually were like another set of parents.  Aunt Phyllis took me to my first movie, Peter Pan, and in my college years took responsibility for sending me care packages.  We vacationed together for a week each summer at a cottage on Lake Huron.  Aunt Phyllis was also my first grade Sunday school teacher.  She taught the first grade Sunday school class at St. James Lutheran Church for over thirty years, until her health declined.  She was only in her mid-fifties when rheumatoid arthritis took her life.   I still miss her.  Aunt Phyllis, along with other adults in my life, were my moral compass.  She never hesitated to share her opinion or call me on my behavior. 

Who are the significant adults in the lives of your children?  All kids need a support system.  They need to be surrounded by other adults who share the values and faith system of their parents.  Sunday school has become passe and participation in church youth activities is on the decline.  Even church attendance is considered optional to some families.  Today's mentors are coaches, scout leaders and other adults.  There is nothing wrong with that, but I have to wonder who is passing on the heritage of faith and reinforcing the Christian values?

All Saints Day might be a good time to stop and ask, "Who are the  Saints in the lives of your kids?"

Suicide Threats: Take Them Seriously

The high school in Coppell, Texas experienced the death of two students last week.  One of those deaths received a lot of press coverage, but the other was barely mentioned. A star football player drowned while cliff-jumping with some friends.  The other student was found dead of a self-inflicted gun shot wound in a local park.  The football player was honored by both teams during last Friday nights game.  The media even covered his funeral.  I have not even seen an obituary for the other young man.  I guess I should not be surprised.  Teen suicide is the killer we don't like to think about.

I took suicide seriously during my years as a high school counselor.  At the first mention of a threat to do harm to one's self, I got parents involved.  My colleagues were also on high alert to watch for the warning signs.  I talked with students about the issue and made sure they knew what to look for.  Often the intervention took place because a peer alerted me.  Macabre drawing and self-mutilation were warning signs.  Even if the student denied it, or blew it off as "I was just joking around," We took it seriously. 

What are the warning signs?  Here a couple of things to look for:

A disinterest in previously favorite activities:  If a student is involved in an extra-curricular activity and suddenly gives it up, that could be an indicator. 

Withdrawal from friends and family: Young people who are contemplating suicide will often withdraw.  If they show no interest in hanging out with friends and start spending extended time alone, it's time to ask questions.

Neglecting personal appearance and hygiene: Most teens are very conscious of their appearance.  If that changes it could be an indication that they are giving up on life.

Change in Sleep Patterns: If they tend to sleep during the day and stay up at night, it's time to check things out.  Get them to their doctor and find out what's going on. 

Substance Abuse: Drugs and alcohol can lead to a downward spiral. 

For more information I would recommend checking out the following website: http://www.teensuicide.us/articles2.html

The Grossest Place on Earth

I am embarrassed because I could not remember his first name.  Unfortunately his last name, and the very descriptive and vulgar nickname that became attached to it, are etched in my memory.  I recently dusted off the yearbook from my freshmen year in high school and discovered his first name was Randy.  The problem was Randy was physically different, and that difference was plainly evident behind the closed doors of the boys locker room.  A couple of the football player, who just happened to be in the same gym class, picked up on Randy's distinctive characteristics. They bestowed the nickname and it stuck.  That's probably the reason Randy's picture only appears with our 9th grade class.  He didn't return for his sophomore year.  I only wish now that I had said something to Randy, encouraged him in some way.  To this day I wish I could say, "I am sorry."  While I didn't make up the nickname or even referred to him that way, I did laugh at the antics of the bullies.

That experience, and my years as a basketball coach, confirm it; The middle and high school boy's locker room might be the grossest place on earth.  Another reality; The loudest and smuttiest males usually hold court.  Many of their classmates become the audience.  Unfortunately there often one or two individuals become the victims.

I though of Randy this week when I heard the news report of another boy who was the victim of locker room bullying.  In this case the boy took his own life.  His classmates knew what was happening.  The teacher/coach was aware of it.  Several parents were even conscious of what was going on.  And nobody did anything.

It's easy to write off locker room humor as a tradition.  Surviving it could be viewed as a right of passage, but there are victims who are permanently scarred.  For that reason I feel a need to offer some suggestions for parents who have boys in middle and high school.  It's really important for dads to take the lead on this issue.

Don't ignore the subject: Talk to your son about the issue of locker room behavior.  Reflect on your experience when you were in school and share what you saw and heard.

Confront the issue: Discuss what can be done when locker room bullying starts.  Remind them that the one thing they can do is not reinforce the negative behavior.  If bullies don't have an audience they usually quit.

Become an advocate: Encourage your son to become and advocate on behalf of the victim.  Make the coach or teacher aware of what is going on.  Let victim know you care about them.

Model appropriate behavior: As an adult, you need to be a role model.  Watch your comments about other people.  If there is nothing positive to say about someone, it's probably best to say nothing. 

Locker rooms smell enough without adding to their grossness through the language that is used

The TCU Quarterback and a Lesson From Dad

Sometimes it's tough being a dad.  Parents who think it gets easier once the kids leave the nest have a lot to learn.  Stan Pachall learned that again this week.  Stan's son, Casey, is the starting quarterback at Texas Christian University (TCU).  As a TCU season ticket holder, I have become familiar with Casey and his "Texas gunslinger persona."  Earlier this year Casey was disciplined by his coach after failing a random drug test.  Early this past Thursday morning Casey drove through a stop sign in front of a police car.  He subsequently failed a breathalyzer test and was arrested.  While Casey was in trouble with the law, he was in ever deeper "hot water" with dad. 

Many parents would have rushed to their child's aid, bailed them out and then ushered them home to that protective environment.  But Stan Pachall is not such a parent.  He's probably learned from his experience as a Texas State Trooper.  Stan and his wife let Casey sit in his cell until the afternoon.  After Casey's release, Stan made a brief statement to reporters.  "He's got a lot of responsibility riding on his shoulders, so he needs to be responsible for himself.  Now we're going to start that journey and see where it leads."

Instead of taking him home to that protective environment, they dropped him off on campus.  If you question that action just think about this: He's the starting quarterback on one of the top football teams in the country and now he has to face his peers knowing he screwed up and let them down.  Part of the responsibility that Stan Pachall was talking about is facing your peers, knowing they were counting on you.  Would Casey have experienced that while isolated in his parent's home?

Fifteenth ranked TCU will play Iowa State today.  Casey has been suspended by coach Gary Patterson, but he will still be on the sidelines.  I know some people are upset at this, but in my mind it is all part of teaching him responsibility.  He has to face his teammates knowing he let them down.  If the team loses, he has to accept part of the blame.  If they win, it proves he's not irreplaceable.  Would he have the same experience if he watched the game on TV at home?

We still don't know what Casey Pachall's future is  at TCU, but I do know this: When it comes to being disciplined I think I would rather face my football coach, than a dad who is determined to teach his son to be accountable for his actions. 

Stan Pachall has given all parents an example of how to teach kids to be more responsible.

Ugly Americans or Compassionate Disciples?

The death of an ambassador, the attack on our embassies, and the riots in the streets are all examples of the hatred that many of those in the Middle East harbor against Americans.  We might ask: Where does this hatred come from?  After all, most of us are peace-loving people.  I've had a few weeks to contemplate an answer to the question.  While it's easy to blame the recent video, The Innocence of Muslim, or even the Florida pastor who has made burning Korans a part of his ministry, I believe the source lies much beyond those specific events.

Unfortunately, I view myself as part of the problem.  I must admit a certain bias when it comes to those who are of Middle Eastern descent.  I find many things about their culture strange and hard to understand.  As a result I try to avoid them, or at least limit my contact.  Only recently have I begun to ask myself, why.  Most of them are peace-loving people like myself.  I had one tell me recently that they view the theorist in their culture in the same way we view the serial killers in ours.  Most Muslims grieve the events of 9/11, and other attacks, much the same as the rest of us.

It might sound simplistic to say the answer is Jesus, but I truly believe we need to consider how Jesus responded to those who did not share his Jewish heritage.  While Jesus came as the Hebrew Messiah, he did not limit his ministry to the Jews.  In Matthew 15; Jesus travels to the cities of Tyre and Sidon where he ministers to a Canaanite woman.  There are also numerous accounts of people from other regions coming to hear him preach.  Probably the best example is found in John 4 where Jesus encounters the Samaritan woman.  The Samaritans were despised by the Jews, but Jesus only saw a woman who was lost.

In every case Jesus accepted the individuals for who they are.  He shared his message of salvation with all, without regard to color, race or creed.  Now, as his contemporary disciples, he calls us to do the same.  Can we put an immediate end to the hatred being directed at our country?  No, but we can try to establish a relationship with those who do not know Jesus.  Without that relationship they might never know the hope that lies within us.

Our tolerance is a powerful lesson we can teach our kids.

Parents Behaving Badly

I am never surprised when teenagers make poor choices.  It's a reality because they don't have the life experiences and decision making skills that most adults do.  It's also the way they are wired.  Teens are not equipped to process their impulses and emotions.  As a result they make poor decisions from time to time.  What is shocking is when parents allow themselves to be co-conspirators.

That came to mind yesterday when the news came out that a Colleyville, Texas mom had been arrested on a charge of criminal mischief.  This was not your usual case of toilet papering a home; Although there is surveillance video of the mom and middle-school kids purchasing 100 rolls of toilet paper from the local Walmart.  Raw chicken was left in the mailbox, mustard and peanut butter was used to print graffiti on the driveway, and sanitary napkins were hung along the driveway and placed in windows (yes the victim was hosting a sleepover for their daughter and friends).  As a final touch, additional slurs were written on the house.  You can argue that the estimate of $6,000 in damages seems a little over-inflated.  The eight kids involved, three boys and five girl, along with commando-mom, could probably have cleaned up the mess in two hours.

Teenage pranks happen all the time.  I have been victim to a toilet in the front yard, soon followed by a queen-size mattress.  I just accepted it as part of making a career working with teenagers.  In my case, a single call to a parent put a stop to it.  An anonymous letter of apology was also left on my desk - I did know the source and we shared a laugh years later. 

In the most recent case, what strikes me the most is that mom not only facilitated the vandalism, but took an active part; remember, someone had to provide the transportation since middle school students can't drive.  I am sure that her excuse is she just wanted to have some fun with her child and their friends.  That's all well and good, but when it comes to pranks and mischief, teens are perfectly capable to handling that themselves.   They also need to be held accountable when they step over the line.  In this case the line was not only crossed but destroyed.  If there was vandalism, mom, and not the kids, should be held accountable.

If you want a good relationship with your teenagers: Attend their concerts and sporting event.  Take them out to dinner and have some real conversation.  Go on vacation together.  At all times, however, be the adult role model they so much need and desire.
 

Reflecting on 9/10 and 9/11

Like every other American, today was a time of reflection.  It also caused me to marvel at how different my life is today, as opposed to that Tuesday eleven years ago.  Our lives were reeling before the airplanes even hit the twin towers.  The previous afternoon we had met with the doctor and received the diagnosis that Barb had breast cancer.  As rescue workers sifted through the remains at Ground Zero, Barb and I struggled to keep our lives on an even keel.  As it was, our nation responded and in time we discovered a "new" normal.  After three surgeries and extended radiation treatments, Barb was told she was cancer free.  We too have discovered a new normal; Twice a year check-ups, regular mammograms and the fact that the threat of cancer is something we continue to live with.

Our lives are different in other ways as well.  In 2001 I was in ministry as a school counselor at Lutheran High, and was called on that day to lead an impromptu chapel service.  Now in semi-retirement, I do free-lance writing and work as a hospital chaplain.  Barb recently left her position as a director of music to join me on the social security rolls.   Our lives are different in other ways as well.  We have added a son-in-law, daughter-in-law and three grandsons to the family.  We have also lost two family members in my dad and Barb's mom.

When I was asked to speak to the students on 9/11 it did not take me long to come up with a scripture reference. Psalm 121 has long been the touchstone for my life.  "I look to the hills..  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord."  The closing verse of that chapter remind me that God, "watches over my coming and my going both now and forevermore."   In a changing world, God's presence is the only constant.

What is your touchstone?  What scripture verse have you committed to memory so that you can lean on it in the tough times? I would encourage you to do that, if you haven't already/  Then pass it on to your children so that they might have the benefit of the same hope and security that you do.  We continue to be people of hope in a world of uncertainty and change.

New College Trend: Designer Dorm Rooms

According to an article in yesterday's USA Today, the latest college trend is designer dorm rooms.  Female students and their parents are hiring interior designers to  transform their austere dorm rooms into spaces that look like something from the pages of Southern Living Magazine.  The transformations carry a price tag as designers typically work for $100 an hour or more.  A typical redecorating job could run four to six hours.  The use of designers is not limited to exclusive private schools, as some state schools are also experiencing the trend as well.  "Parents view this as an investment to keep kids happy and focused," one designer noted.

While I am surprised at the latest trend, nothing shocks me anymore.  When I was a high school counselor there was a male student who drove a two year old Chevy Malibu.  He was hardly a scholar, so when he showed a sudden interest in his grades I inquired why.  It seem the new Camero had come out and he wanted one.  His dad promised to replace his current car if his grades improved.  He performed and got the car, but two weeks later on a Friday I noticed he was driving a Mercedes.  Turns out it was dad's car.  The Camero was not suitable for a date night, he informed me.  It was but one case of a teenager determining their wants and then demanding that mom and dad accomondate them.

Experience tells me that we are doing our children a disservice when we seek to meet their every demand.  One of the characteristic of Millennials, those born between 1985 and 2002, is that they are focused on themselves.  That has become a characteristic because its something parents have cultivated by fulfilling every dream.  We need to teach our children the difference between wants and needs.   The best way to model that is through  the lifestyle we live.

Not Goodbye... Just See You Later

Changes are part of life.  Some changes make us uncomfortable, others challenge us and still others cause us grief.  We might experience the loss of a job, a major relocation or the loss of a loved one.  As I write this, Barb and I are in the middle of a major change.  For the last fifteen years she has been the music director at Crown of Life Lutheran Church in Colleyville, Texas.  I said my goodbyes last Sunday and today is her last official day in the office.  We've done this before.  It's a reality of being in ministry.  Crown of Life is our fifth church in forty-three years of marriage.  A blessing is that we have friends all over the country.

I only know this parting feels different.  Some it is due to Barb's length of tenure, but for me a greater factor is what we have been through as a church and as a family.  Crown of Life is a growing church with lots of great ministries.  As is often the case such churches are susceptible to attacks from Satan.  We have weather two of those in the last few years.  On a family level: During our time at Crown of Life, Barb has lost both of her parents and my dad died from cancer.  Barb has had two surgeries for cancer and it's something she still lives with.  Five years ago, at age 61, I found myself unemployed and had to make career adjustments.  There have been family blessing as well.  All three of our children have married during our years at the church and we've added three grandsons.  Through it all our church family has been a stable factor in our lives.  They have shared both our grief and our joys. 

I look to the future with full confidence that God has some new adventures in store for us.  In time we will find a new church family.  In the same way, I am filled with anticipation because I know God has some awesome things in store for Barb.  By the way: She has made it clear she is not retiring. 

My message to you is that you can be surrounded by friends and family, but there is no more caring group than a worshipping community.  If you are a member of one, celebrate that.  If you don't, find one.  The people of God have a marvelous way of caring for each other.  The church is also vital for parents because it is through that community that the heritage of faith is passed on.

I received a lot of hugs last Sunday, along with promises to "stay in touch."  Experience tells me that even if we do get together it's never quite the same, but the other beautiful aspect of the Body of Believers is that we never really do say, "goodbye."  Rather we say, "see you later," in anticipation of the joyful reunion in heaven. 

What They do Does Not Change Who I am

Being an election year there is a lot of talk not just about the candidates, but about the state of our country in general.  For concerned Christians much of the focus seems to be on two particular issues: One is our leader's advocacy for the gay-lesbian community when it comes to marriage.  A second issue is what is viewed as an infringement on religious freedom in the implementation of certain aspects of the current administrations health plan.  In question is whether religious organizations should be required to fund abortions.  These two issues both generate a lot of emotion.  I have heard more than one friend express that our nation is doomed if we continue down this path. 

I don't want to downplay the importance of these issues.  I must admit that I am concerned to.  I have very strong feelings, especially when it comes to the right for a gay-lesbian couple to be married. I hold firmly to the biblical perspective that God desires that marriage is a sacred union between one man and one woman.  That plan is made clear in Genesis 2 and reinforced throughout scripture. 

In my mind, however, you cannot legislate morality and values. Those will always be personal.  In other words, I cannot allow the opinions of other people to change who I am and what I stand for.  The author of Romans compels us "Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."  (Romans 12:2)  To me that means I am to live in this world, but never be like this world.  That is a stance that believers have held throughout history.  Lot faced it when he chose to live in Gomorrah.  Daniel was confronted by it when he was forced to live in Babylon. 

As Christians we have the responsibility to vote for those candidates who views best reflect our value system.  As parents and older adults we also need to hold firmly to what we believe is "right in God's eyes."  Along with that, God holds us accountable to teach those values to our children as well.  As with other sins, we called by Jesus to, hate the sin but love the sinner. 

I Still Want to go to School

This marks the sixth school year that will begin without me.  I still miss it.  I guess I am realistic enough to know that at my age I probably could not handle the daily grind.  So I cherish the memories.  I spent Twenty-five years in church youth ministry before moving to a school setting.  There is no question in my mind that my most effective ministry came during my eleven years at Lutheran High School of Dallas.  I had the best of both worlds.  I was in the classroom two or three periods a day and in the counseling office the balance of the time.

What is it I miss?  The daily contact with students would have to be #1.  There were new challenges every day, but I never grew tired of helping students work through the issues.  What a blessing to be able to track many of those former students through social media.  I get particular satisfaction from hearing the success stories of those kids who faced challenges and struggled with issues. 

I also miss the challenges that came with being in a high school setting.   I had to be spiritually equipped to survive.  I couldn't allow myself to become spiritually stagnant.  I grew in my walk of discipleship during those years.  A good part of that was because I was surrounded by colleagues who modeled Jesus.  I miss them.

I miss teaching advance placement psychology.  I am grieved that the school chose to drop that course from the curriculum.  What a joy it was to see students begin to understand themselves and their own feelings and behavior.  I am still amazed at the number of students who chose to study human behavior at the college level.

I am excited that God has opened a door for me this fall, allowing me to get back into the classroom on a limited basis.  I am about to begin an adventure as a SALI  teacher as part of the ministry of LINC North Texas.  I will be working close to home in the Carrollton-Farmers Branch school district.  I am looking forward to helping students grow in their leadership and personal skills twice a month. 

I can't understand why so few older adults seek ways to relate to teenagers.  Today's students are searching for a sense of identity.  Many struggle to find a sense of values as well.  It's all too easy to sit on the sidelines and moan and groan about how bad things are.  What we need to be doing is investing in the lives of students. 

Where Do Bullies Come From?

With the new school year almost upon us, I thought it would be good to again address the topic of bullying.  It's an issue that I became familiar with during my years as a school counselor.  We tend to think of bullying as a elementary and middle school issue, but my experience is that it extends across all generations.  I have even met a few seniors, that senior citizens as opposed to the high school variety, who fit the mold. 

In her book The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander, Barbara Conloros describes bullying as "arrogance in action, and contempt for another person."  I have always believed that bullying is a learned behavior.  According to the National Association of School Psychologist my assumption is correct.  Children who are bullies have learned the behavior at home, in school, or elsewhere in their social environment.  Like other learned behaviors, it can be unlearned, however the older the aggressor, the more difficult it is to change.  In other words we need to attack the issue in the pre-school and elementary school classroom.  

I met my share of adult bullies during my youth ministry and school counselor years.  Most of the time the bully was a parent.  I don't recall any incidents when it was physical power, but I sure remember times when angry words and threats were used to try to intimidate or belittle me.  Experts suggest that many young bullies are the products of home where an authoritarian parent holds the upper hand. 

All adults, but especially parents, need to consider what type of behavior they are modeling.  Discipline is vital, but when we only use power or threats to change the behavior we run the risk of raising a bully.  When we resort to that, we give our kids the permission to do the same.  Today they might be bullying their peers, but in the future we might become the victims.

Would Jesus Eat More Chicken?

It's being labeled as a campaign of hate.  I am referring to the statement by Chick-Fil-A president, Dan Cathy, supporting the biblical definition of marriage.  I personally didn't see any hate in his statement.  He was simply stating his belief in marriage as defined by God in Genesis 2:24-25.  The fast food chain has always operated on faith-based principles.  Chick-Fil-A restaurants still remain closed on Sundays in deference to God's command to "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy" (Exodus 20:8).

The escalation of feelings in this case comes from the over-reaction from both sides of the gay marriage debate.  Christian conservatives seized the moment to reiterate their disdain for those who live in a gay lifestyle, while from the other those from the gay-lesbian community fire back.  In the end we've done nothing to bridge the gap that exists between the church and contemporary culture.

I only wish those within the church would seek to model Jesus.  When Jesus came across those whose behavior was labeled "offensive" by society, he sought to love them first.  John 8:1-11 contains a great example.  The religious authorities brought a women who had been caught in adultery to Jesus.  Their desire was to stone the woman.  Jesus' response was to love her.  He also challenged her to "leave your life of sin."

One of the criticisms that young people have of the church is that it's intolerant.  You are not allowed to bring alternative views to the surface.  In other words it's, "God's way or the highway."  As a result we establish a list of criteria that must be met before we will even consider admitting someone into the fellowship of believers.  That runs into the face of everything Jesus taught or did.  All were welcome.  Jesus' actions demonstrate that it's impossible to impart faith unless there is first a relationship.  Jesus hated sin, but loved the sinner.  Reality check: Jesus loves gay and lesbian people and he expects us to love them as well.

As parents and older adults we should be doing two things: Point people to Jesus as our only hope for salvation, and help them understand God's plan for his people.  Standing on one side of the battle line and firing salvos accomplishes nothing.  Buying them a chicken sandwich and having a conversation with them does.

Keeping the Colorado Tragedy in Perspective

One of the more interesting people that I have encountered in my years of ministry was Otto the silversmith.  Otto had his studio in Cape Girardeau, Missouri where Barb and I began our ministry.  We normally think of silversmiths as designers of jewelry, but Otto often worked on a much larger scale.  Some of Otto's projects were huge sculptures.  When you walked through Otto's studio sometimes it was difficult to discern what went where.  Thing often looked disjointed.  "Don't judge my work until it is finished," he commented one time when I made a critical comment about one of his projects. 

I thought of Otto over the weekend as I contemplated the horrific events that transpired in Colorado.   Once again I heard people ask "Why?" or "How could God allow this to happen?" First-off: We live in a sinful and evil world.  "In this world you will have trouble," Jesus told his disciples , but in his next breath he comforts them by say, "Take heart.  I have over come the world." (John 16:33).  When we view the isolated events like the tragedies of Columbine or Aurora it's easy to get discouraged and fearful.  Things seem mixed-up and confusing, just like Otto's art.  We are only see the disjointed parts.  Only God can see the "big picture."

I don't want to trivialize the pain of the families who lost loved one in that tragic shooting.  The pains of this world are very real to them, but so should be the love of our God.  God is the comforter and the Conqueror.  Satan may have his way and at times if might seem as if evil is winning, but those of us who know Jesus also know the final results are going to be an awesome work of art.

For us as parents and grandparents, that mean being people of hope, even in the midst of tragedy.  Mourn with those who mourn, but stay confident and faithful.  Moving forward as people of faith is the strongest testimony that we can give as Christian. 

Branding Your Teen

Establishing a brand in the eye of the consumer is the goal of every marketing professional.  Branding is the name, design or logo that identifies a company, business or service.  If branding is effective just hearing a name or seeing a logo provides immediate recognition.  McDonald's golden arches are a brand that is easily recognized world-wide.  Sometimes just a simple color is used in branding.  There is a certain shade of brown that causes people to immediately think UPS.

According to marketing expert, Nick Fuller, today's teenagers are very much into personal branding.  They want to project a very specific image to their peers and to the world in general.  According to Fuller, "They have hand-selected every photo, wall post, tweet and 'like.'  Each is tied to their digital persona."  In other words, teens are very savvy when it comes to projecting an image on social media. 

Marketing professionals are very aware of the teen market.  They are constantly monitoring their behavior hoping to gain insights by observing teen trends.  They view teens as being consumers with almost unlimited financial resources.  Hint!  Hint!  There is a red flag.

Parents need to be aware of this on two levels.  First and foremost they need to be aware of the image their teens are trying to project.  That might mean being friends with their teens and their peers on Facebook and on Twitter.  If the images do not match the image or values they desire for their children they need to bring that to their teen's attention.  It should be an opportunity to discuss it.  It is also important to set guidelines in terms of spending.  Teenagers need to learn to operate with a budget just like parents and families do.

You can read more from Nick Fuller at http://www.mediapost.com/.

Fifty Shades of Porn

I picked up a copy of this morning's USA Today.  As I read the Life Section I was surprised to find three books by the same author at the top of the nation's best selling books.  The author is E. L. James and the books are part of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  I had never heard the term "mommy porn" until last week and it was used in referencing this series.

I decided to do some research and came across an article by Karen Yates on www.churchleaders.com.  The article was titled Why Pastors Should Respond to 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'  She notes, "An invasion of this book and its aftermath will soon impact marriages, friendships, communities and business."  In her mind the church cannot and should not avoid this movement thinking it will blow over.

I will confess that I am not an expert when it comes to "mommy porn," or erotic literature in general for that matter, but my interest was perked.  So this afternoon while I was waiting for a prescription at my local Sam's Club, I ventured to the book section to see if the store even carried the books.  They do.  In fact they had two different titles: the original and the most recent Fifty Shades of Dark.  I must admit I felt a little uncomfortable even picking up the book.  As I scanned the back cover the words "Erotic Fiction" jumped out at me.  As I was reading the description I heard a female voice say, "excuse me."  As I turned a middle-age mom, accompanied by her teenager daughter reached for a copy.  Let's just say the look she gave me caused me to quickly move on.  It was obvious I was intruding on "feminine turf."

I guess the word that bothers me most about this fiction is erotic.  Allow me to explain.  The erotic comes from the Greek word eros.  In Greek the word eros identifies sexual, passionate love.  It's one of four words that Greeks use for the word love.  Another one of those words in agape, a sacrificial love as in the kind of love Jesus had for the sinful world.  Eros labels a passionate, sexual act, while agape describes giving up one's self for another.  Agape is a love all Christians should strive for.  Eros, on the other hand, should be confined to the marriage relationship, not displayed on supermarket shelves.

In the end I have to question what kind of example Christian mom's who read such trash are setting for their daughters.  By the way to the lady I encountered in Sam's: I am not a pervert and I am concerned about you and your daughter. 

Is it Our Most Important Election?

I've heard a number of people say that this might be the most important presidential election in our country's history.  Most of them are fellow Christian who are disturbed at the direction our country is taking.  I share their concerns when I comes to the President Obamas' health plan.  What I find  more disconcerting is our national stance on Gay Rights and same-sex marriage.  I am not sure I want to lay the blame at the feet of one particular individual and even point at one political party as being at fault. 

This is not something that began with the Obama administration.  We have been on the skids morally and economically for a long a long time.  When it comes to the moral issues, I compare our nation to the frog in the kettle analogy.  If you increase the temperature slowly the poor frog never notices until they boil to death.  In the case of our moral dilemma the heat has been increasing for some time.   The changes have been gradually happening for many years.  How long has it been since abortions were made legal?

If there is blame to be placed here, I think it needs to fall on Christian parents, fathers in particular.  I've recently been doing a lot of reading in the Old Testament book of Joshua.  The same pattern is followed in the Book of Judges as well.  When the people forget who God is and how he has blessed them in the past, things go down the toilet in a hurry.  There is but One God and he made the rules.  Our only task is to live by them and teach our children to do the same.  It's not the church's responsibility to do that.  It falls on moms and dads.   See Exodus 13:14 for example.  Thankfully we live in the New Testament era, so we live under grace.  Our salvation is secure and we don't need to rely on our obedience.  As God's people we still need to seek to do his will, with the full knowledge that life will be full of trouble if we don't

The solution lies in making sure the heritage of faith is passed on to the next generation.  It also happens when we reflect our faith and values in our personal lives.  It's also glorified when we elect to office those who will make God-pleasing decisions. 

The Tale of Two Dads

I spend Wednesday mornings at DFW Airport.  I am a DFW Airport Ambassador.  If you've been through DFW and seen the folks in green vests and jackets: I am one of those.  During a typical four hour shift I usually assist about a hundred people, providing information and helping folks navigate around the enormous airport.  It's also a great place to people watch and this past Wednesday I saw observed two dads who were about as polar opposite as possible.

Dad #1 was traveling with his two sons, I would have judged them to be around eight and ten years old.  Dad was a good looking, projecting the image of a successful professional.  His sons were well behaved.  One of them was watching a video on a personal DVD player and the other sat quietly reading a book.  Dad, was busy texting on a cell phone, when a second cell phone went off.  Must be an important guy I thought: Two cell phones.  He now became engaged in a heated conversation with whoever had called.  I assumed it was business related.  He was not happy that someone had evidently, in his terms, "Screwed up."  Dad seem oblivious to his sons.   As he continued his tirade, their focus shifted from what they were doing to watching dad.  I felt bad for them.  Not only was dad preoccupied, but they had to see him at his worst.  At that moment, it was like his sons didn't exists.  I have to wonder how dad will feel in a few years when the roles are reversed: Kids busy texting and ignoring dad.

When I first noticed Dad #2 I didn't even know he was a father.  In the days of TSA security, it's unusual to see folks waiting inside security for an arriving flight, but this fellow was, and he was obviously anxious.  When the flight arrived he moved closer and waited nervously as passengers exited.  Finally he broke out into a huge grin.  Soon the grin turned to a laugh.  Obviously one of the departing passengers had brought him great joy.  He hurried to the door where he greeted thee little boys who were acccompanied by a flight attendant.  Hugs were exchanged and, after a prompt from the flight attendant, he showed her his photo ID.  He signed a release and gathered the three boys together. I assumed he was their birth dad and the boys were coming for a summer visit.  

I would like to think that Dad #1 is a good father and that he is going to get to spend some quality time with his sons on this trip.  I only hope I was seeing him at his worst.  I am also sure that there are going to be some moment when Dad #2 is going to get frustrated with his three boys.  I only wish that I could have gotten the two men together to talk about their experiences and perspectives.  There is so much to being a good dad.

Survey Says: It's Tough Being a Dad

A new survey from the Pew Research Center caught my attention.  Most Say Being a Father Today is more Difficult, the heading announced.  The report was based on a 2011 survey of over 250 dad and a slightly higher number of mothers.  A majority of dads, 63%, stated it was more difficult today.  48% of moms were in agreement.  Only 8% of dads polled felt it was easier today.  The balance felt the degree of difficulty was about the same when it came to their role as a father.

While the survey sample was relatively small, I still found the results troubling.  From a historical perspective, I can identify numerous times when being a dad was more difficult.  When just considering the 20th Century I can pinpoint several periods when fathering was probably more of a challenge.  The period of the Great Depression immediately comes to mind.  For many dads the financial challenges were so overwhelming that they actually abandoned their children.  During World War II many dad left home to defend their country, other older dads had to face the prospect of having their sons and daughters placed in harms way.  Having lived through the Viet Nam War era and also the racial tensions of the sixties, I know that was a tough time to be a dad as well.

I think one of the reasons dads today view things as being more difficult is because they have lost perspective.  That is not just limited to a historical view.  I truly believe we need to keep things in perspective spiritually.  My faith in God assures me that he will never put me in a situation that I cannot handle.  Through God's power I truly believe that like Paul, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."  (Philippians 4:13)  I know I am not alone in that perspective because I hear the same conviction expressed by other Christian fathers.

Perhaps the problem is too many men today have their priorities wrong.  When our priorities get turned around, over time things become more difficult.  When we focus on ourselves and the things of this world we are destined to a life where we are never satisfied.  Everything, including the responsibilities we have to our families, becomes more difficult.  Our relationship with God must be our number one priority. 

The Man and His Poopy Dog: WWDD

It's Father's Day this coming Sunday. I know I've written about my dad before, but a recent incident caused me to once again reflect on his impact on my life.

My dad tried to be friendly with everyone he met. He liked to sit on the front porch and chat with the folks who passed by. My folks lived in the City of Detroit until 2004 when his health declined. The neighborhood went through lots of changes and eventually declined, but my parents were able to survive in the same house for over forty years. I think a lot of the credit should go to my dad.

Today, we live on a corner lot. Instead of a front porch we have a back patio. We chose to install a white picket fence, as opposed to a wooden privacy barrier. I too like to be able to greet my neighbors as they pass by. One familar face is an older man who rides a three-wheeled bike. It's the kind that allows him to peddle from a seated position. I assume he's a Viet Nam veteran because he wears a cap representing that conflict. An American Flag is displayed on a pole at the rear of the bike. I can always hear him coming because he has speakers installed on the back of his bike. He listens to conservative talk radio and has the volume cranked way up. The first time I heard it I immediately thought I was in the midst of some propaganda campaign.

The man also has a little dog. It's really is a mangy mutt, and not the least bit friendly. It barks and growls at everything. Our city has an ordinance that makes it illegal for people to allow their dog to defecate on public or private property. Dog owners are supposed to carry plastic bags and clean-up after their dogs do their duty. I don't think this man has totally embraced the law. When I notice his mutt leaving a deposit on my lawn one day, I reminded him of the law. His response, "S_ _ _ happens. Deal with it."

I the past I would wave to the man and attempt to engage in conversation, but since that day I've ignored him. Recently, I've had second thoughts. I've had to consider WWDD: What would dad do? Am I going to let a pile of poop keep me from at least trying to extend a hand of friendship? Granted, in this case it's probably going to be rejected, but at least I have tried.

I have no doubt that there is a connection between WWDD and WWJD: What would Jesus do? I know the source of my dad's core values. Now I am now compelled to live the same way. I challenge you to do the same. As parents and grandparents, we need to model love and acceptance, not anger and judgement.

Facing Up to Facebook

Facebook has been in the news a lot lately. A couple of weeks ago they went public with their stock and created a quite a stir. This week they are back on the front page with their plan to allow kids under the age of thirteen to create accounts under parental supervision. The plan was initially reported in the Wall Street Journal and drew an almost immediate response from privacy advocates and lawmakers. A federal law, the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) prohibits internet companies from collecting personal information from children younger than thirteen. Facebook claims to have the techonology that will help parents proactively oversee their children's activities without violating the law. The company currently rejects anyone under age thirteen, but acknowledges that parents often help younger children create accounts.

I can honestly say I don't know how I feel about this issue. I have no doubt that Facebook's plan is designed to increase their profits. At least they are being honest when they say they know some people are already circumventing the system. In some ways I wish they would be more pro-active in encouraging parents of all minors, those under the age of eighteen, to monitor their children's use of the social network.

Probably the most disturbing aspect is some of the online chat. There are parents who are upset that they will have to supervise and monitor their children's use of a social network. I have to wonder how those same parents feel about others aspects of their children's lives. I would hope they would monitor their children's driving once they have their license, and their dating habits once they enter that stage of adolesence.

Social networks are a part of our culture. As adults it is our responsibility to help all children use them in a positive and productive way. If we make sure they have the proper instruction before they get behind the wheel, we need to make sure they are equipped to enter the world of the internet as well.

It Takes a Village

We spent last weekend in Georgetown, Texas celebrating the marriage of our son, Mark, to Kristen Seals. Mark was the last of our children to get married. It was the second family wedding in less than a year; Our daughter Katie married John Seal last September. Our oldest Son, Peter, has been married to Amy for almost thirteen years and God has blessed them with three boys. What a blessing to watch the family grow.

For many of our extended family it was the third trip to Texas within the last eighteen months. In addition to the two weddings, we also celebrated Peter and Mark's ordination into the pastoral ministry in January, 2011. It's not surprising, Barb and I both are blessed with families that love and support each other through the time of celebration and grief. It doesn't end there, however. We are surrounded by friends who share in those times as well.

In the case of both recent weddings I was honored to be able to make a toast at the wedding reception. In each case I noted the important roles that each of those present had played in the lives of the bridal couple. It takes a village to raise up a child and God has always blessed us with communities where our family has felt loved and supported. As with many ministry families, we have moved often. Over the years our children have been part of five very different faith communities. The one consistent element has been the presence of caring adults who not only related to our children, but modeled faith and discipleship.

In a time when there is so much emphasis on mega-churches that are able to offer the biggest and best in facilities and program, parents need to be mindful that it is still the people who will have the greatest impact on our children. Encourage and cultivate that support system. They are the people who will guide you and your kids through the difficult times in life.

Teens and The Shopping Mall

During my time as counselor at Lutheran High School of Dallas I received a unique phone call one Monday afternoon. It was from the head of security at one of the local shopping malls. He was calling me as a courtesy, and said the information was off the record. He went on to tell me that three of our students had gotten in trouble at the mall the previous Saturday. He knew they were our students because they were wearing apparel with the school brand. They also had student ID's. He obviously could not provide names but he suggested that I remind all our students that no matter where they were, they were representing our school. I thanked him and assured him that I would address the issue. Yes, it was not the way we wanted our school to be represented. Since we were a small private school, and there were few secrets: It didn't take long to find out who the students were. While I never addressed them specifically, I did discuss appropriate behavior with several groups students, making sure to include them.

The experience came to mind recently when it was reported that the most popular mall in Dallas, North Park, is banning unchaperoned teens under seventeen after 6:00 PM. The same article reported that some malls in the U.S. did not allow any unchaperoned teens. The issue; teen behavior had become a problem and their meer presence was bothering other patrons.

I can understand the many good teens who act responsiby being upset, but I also realize why malls have to take the actions they do.

I think part of the solution lies within the realm of effective parenting. When kids report that they are heading to the mall the two questions that should be asked are: What is the purpose of the visit? Who will you be with? Going to the mall for a specific purpose is ok. Going to the mall to hang out is not. It's the old adage: Idle hands are the devil play ground.

We also need to remind our teens over and over that no matter where they are they represent their families, their schools and even more than that they represent their God.

Face to Face Conversation Still Rules

There is no doubt that we live in the age of social networking. Facebook, My Space and Twitter are part of our worlds. When you add in the amount of texting that we do as American, it's easy to assume that face-to-face conversation in on the decline. According to a new book, that is not the case.

The appropriate title is The Face-to-Face Book. The authors, Ed Keller and Brad Fay, are principals in a market research and consulting firm. Over the last six years they have collected data on over 2 million conversations. One surprising finding is that 75% of our conversations still happen face-to-face. Even more significant is that people tend to view such conversations as more positive and satisfying. People are perceived as being more credible when they communicate face-to-face, as opposed to on-line.

If you have any doubt that this is the case, visit a fast food restuarant or coffee shop where teens are present. You will quickly conclude that teens still enjoy hanging out together and talking to each other.

The question now becomes: what can we as parents be doing to encourage face-to-face conversation. As with other behavior, the best way is to model it. Talk about the value of personal conversation and identify individuals in your life who you enjoy visiting with on a regular basis. Build in time for personal conversation as a family. Family meals at home or at a restuarant provide such opportunities. Stipulate that texting is not allow during such times. Establishing no texting zone. Designate certain rooms in the house as no texting areas, and don't allow texting in the car. Limit the social network conversation between you and family members. Insist that information, comments and the expression of opinions between family members be expressed face-to-face.

Social networking is a great way to stay in touch with those that we do not see on a regular basis, example old friends or relatives that live far away. Social networking should never be a replacement for good old conversation.

ONE TEEN ISSUE THAT CAN BE SOLVED

Our teens are at risk. Unfortunately many of the issues threatening our teens are out of our control. When we allow them behind the wheel of a car we run the risk that that they might make a fatal decision. As much as we preach about the dangers of substance abuse, some teens are still going to experiment with drugs and alchohol. Another reality is teen suicide. We can know the warning signs, but even then some kids will slip through the cracks and decide to end their own lives.

So what is the teen issue that can be addressed and solved? It's obesity. The reason we need to address it: Type 2 diabetes.

According to a recently released report done by the University of Colorado Denver, a third of American children and teens are overweight and obese. Such kids are at a higher risk of developing Type 2 diabetes.

I am familiar with Type 2 diabetes because it runs in my family. Five years ago my doctor told me I was a borderline diabetic. As a result my mantra became, "diet and exercise." I watch what I eat and I walk two miles at least five times a week. I monitor my blood sugar. When I had my last physical the topic of diabetes never came up.

As adults we can teach our kids the value of good nutrition. We can model that behavior by being responsible eaters as well. We can make sure our kids are getting their proper exercise and be an example there as well. We can control what is eaten within our homes.

Our grandsons, ages 4 - 8, were staying in our home over the Christmas holiday. I happen to pass through the kitchen during breakfast time. Grandma had placed the various cereal options on the kitchen table. I was surprised to hear five year old Caleb reading the nutritional value of each one. He knew exactly how many grams of sugar and protein each contained. If a five year old gets it, why not a fifteen year old?

The Parable of the Soil

Maybe it's the creative writer in me that causes me to look at some of the Bible stories from a different perspective. The obvious one is Luke 15. Instead of the Parable of the Lost Son, I want to focus on the forgiving Father. That's the kind of Heavenly Father I picture, and the kind of earthly father I desire to be. In John 3, I want to focus on Nicodemus. If I had an evening with Jesus, what kinds of things we would talk about. I have so many questions and doubts that I want to discuss. When I read John 4 I identify with woman. If Jesus encountered me at a Starbucks (our version of the well), how would he approach my sins. It's both scary and comforting to acknowledge, "he knows everything I've ever done."

I have been spending a lot of time recently reflecting on the issue of Mosaics, those born between 1984-2001. It's no secret that they are turning their backs on traditional Christianity. Even young people who have grown up in the church are becoming exiles and nomads when they become young adults. When I reflected on Luke 8:4-8 in that light, it became the parable of the soil. As an older adult Christian I like to think I am still maturing, but I also need to be providing fertile ground for young Christians to become rooted in their faith and to bear fruit as well.

I would explain the parable in this way.

The hard ground of the path would be faith communities that are driven by tradition. They reject change and will not tolerate those who have questions or doubts. There is no room for those whose values and lifestyles are different than theirs.

The rocky ground would be faith communities that are shallow. On the surface they appear happy and successful, but their is no depth. There is little spiritual growth.

The thorny ground represents faith communities that are program driven. There are lots of things going on, but few of those activites focus on growing in a relationship with Jesus. All the social activities choke-off the growth.

The good soil is a fertile faith community. People are not only growing in their personal relationship with Jesus, but they have a desire to pass on the heritage of faith to all people across generational lines. They confront issues and address them.

The questions becomes: What kind of soil are you personally? What are you doing to insure that your faith is maturing? In what ways are you cultivating faith among those who are still seeds, searching for a place to put down spiritual roots?

It's not an easy task. Those under the age of thirty have many questions and doubts. They might have a lifestyle that is foreign to us over the age of fifty. They might even approach things with different values. That aside: They are still God's Children. They are very precious to him. We just need to love them as Jesus would.

Be an Eli

I recently read David Kinnaman's new book You Lost Me. The subtitle is How Young People are Leaving the Church and Rethinking Faith. It's a great book and I would highly recommend it. One particular quote has stayed with me. The author credits Jack Hayford with the observation.

"The younger generation needs the older generation to help them identify the voice of God, just as Samuel needed Eli to help him know that God was calling him."

Today's teens and young adults have grown up in a culture that sends many messages that run contrary to biblical principals. For those young people within the church that creates mixed signals. We cannot ignore those signals. As Christians we should be compelled to identify them and respond to them. In the process we should help young people discern the voice of God.

Don't be afraid of contemporary culture. Embrace it! If you are a mature Christian you too should be able to identify God's desire for His people. That is the voice we need to help young people hear and obey.

Make This a No Bunny Easter

I spent eight years from 1972 - 1980 serving as director of Christian education on the staff at Immanuel Lutheran Church in Downers Grove, Illinois. My teammate during those years was Pastor Bill Huener. Bill was a great mentor and also one of the most colorful people I have worked with. He had a real servant's heart, and a passion for the liturgy. As a congregation we celebrated every festival, major or minor. I seldom saw Bill lose his cool, but I witnessed it one Easter. Someone decided to use an inflatable bunny to greet people at the church's Easter breakfast. Bill was indignant and the offending rabbit quickly disappeared. Bottom line: Bunnies have no connection with the Christian celebration of our Lord's Resurrection.

While bunnies are a symbol for fertility, and thus have no connection with Easter, chickens and eggs do. The Easter egg serves as a reminder that Jesus broke free from the tomb, in the same way the baby chick does from the egg. Christians decorate eggs in festival colors to celebrate the Easter feast.

In the same way, butterflies are an appropriate symbol. Caterpillars form a cocoon and in time emerge as beautiful butterflies, a reminder that Jesus emerged from the cocoon of death to be our Beautiful Savior. Easter lilies are another reminder. If you've ever seen a lily bulb, you get the picture. From something ugly and unattractive comes a beautiful flower.

One way of passing on the heritage of faith is through symbols. Easter provides a great time to do that. Spend time this season talking with you children about the significance of the season. While you are at it, take time to talk about how your faith in the Risen Savior has sustained you through times of pain and grief.

Easter is the most significant festival in the Christian Church year. Without the Resurrected Savior we would have no faith, and no hope.

Why Some Teens don't Leave the Church

In my last two blogs I have focused on the issue of why some many teens and young adults are walking away from the church. Earlier this week I read an article that approached the topic from the opposite point of view. Jon Nielson, a veteran youth pastor, proposed three traits of youth who don't leave the church.

He begins by calling those within the church to get back to an understanding of what salvation is: "a miracle from God through the working of the Holy Spirit." He states that we need to stop talking about "good kids" who attend church and youth group regularly, and focus on their faith. Our strongest weapon is prayer. We need to be praying for our kids and their faith.

Secondly, teens that stay faithful to God have been equipped for the challenges that they will face. In Jon Nielson's words, "They have been equipped and not entertained." We need to remember that these kids are growing up in a world that is hostile toward the church and the values it stands for. Whether the issue is evolution or homosexuality, teens need to not just be taught what is right and what is wrong, but why. They need to be able to see all contemporary issues through the lens of Holy Scripture.

Lastly, they have been raised in families that celebrate God's grace. Their parents preached the Gospel to them, but they also live it. Remember Ephesians 6:4, "Parents don exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

While I agree with much of what Jon Nielson writes, I would add two additional traits. Such teens attend churches that passionately seek to engage them in worship and Bible study. Such worship communities are also made up of adults who seek to model discipleship and have a desire to share their faith traditions with the next generation.

As the Body of Christ we need to be people of hope and live as such.

Are We Too Judgemental?

I spend four hours every Wednesday as a volunteer ambassador at DFW Airport. I assist travelers at an information booth in Terminal C. It's a great place to people watch and I ave seen and met all kinds. I thought I had seen it all until one young man got off a flight a couple of weeks back. It was hard not to notice him. His hair was buzzed short except for a crop of hair that formed a perfect curl right in the front. That hair looked like a rainbow: pink, yellow, and green. I thought of the trolls our daughter played with as a child. It didn't end there. He was wearing a pink sweater vest, lime green pants and pink ballet slippers. My immediate reaction was: "Weirdo."

As it was, he wandered over to the monitors that are above my podium. He stood amidst the crowd of travelers staring, obviously looking for his flight. Thirty seconds went past and he still seemed puzzled. Finally I decided I had to intervene. "Do you need help?" I asked. As it turned out he was flying to New York,and was confused by the airport codes. We located his gate and I pointed him in the right direction. He then asked if I was a really a volunteer. When I responded in the affirmative his response was, "Cool, Thanks for doing that." In the end he seemed like a nice guy. Was he Gay? I don't know. Maybe he was just a little eccentric. The reality is he needed help and I assisted him. I couldn't help but thinking I was doing what Jesus would have done.

That's the kind of Savior we have. Jesus accepted people for who were were and loved them that way. Once the relationship was established, he then had the opportunity to meet their need or confront their sin. Without first having a relationship, that would never happen.

Last week I wrote about two of the reasons young people are leaving the church. My initial reaction to the young man at the airport is an example of another thing that young people see wrong with the church and Christians in general. We tend to be judgemental and exclusive.

Young Americans have been shaped by a culture that esteems open-mindedness and tolerance. As a result young adults are the most eclectic generation in American history. Many young people view the church as a country club that is only open to people who fit certain criteria. When individuals don't fit the mold, they will probably feel excluded and unwelcome. Often, outward appearance becomes the criteria.

One of the challenges that Christian parents and other adults face is now to be accepting of others, without compromising who we are and what we stand for. If we are secure in our faith, encountering people who are different should not be a problem. It is always best to love and accept first. Once we have a relationship we are in a position to talk about our faith and values.

How Parents can Keep Their Teens Connected with the Church

David Kinnaman is president of the Barna Group and also the author of a new book, You Lost Me: Why Young Christians are Leaving the Church and Rethinking Church. The books is the culmination of a five-year project that included eight national studies, as well as interviews with teens, young adults, parents and church professionals.

The author makes it clear that their is no one single reason for young people leaving the church. Rather,there are six significant themes indicating why three out of five (59%) of young Christians are choosing to disconnect with the church. For this entry in my blog I would like to focus on two of those themes.

Churches seem overprotective. Today's teens and young adults have an unprecedented access of ideas and worldviews. Their desire is to connect with the world they live in. They get turned off when the church gets defensive or re-acts out of fear. Almost one quarter (23%) of teens and young adults said, "Christians demonize everything outside the church." Other perceptions were that the church ignores the real world and that the church is too concerned that movies, music and video games are harmful.

Teens' and young adult's experience of Christianity is shallow. Many young people leave the church because they feel something is lacking in their experience. They sense a lack of passion among adult believers. One third (31%) said, "church is boring." Others felt the church was not relevant to them. A quarter (24%) stated, "the Bible is not taught clearly or often enough,"

These trends are not totally new. In her 2004 book, Practicing Passion, Kenda Creasy Dean wrote about teens quests for a more passionate church.

Now the questions must be: What can parents do to address the issues.. No Christian parent wants their child to abandon their faith. Let me make a couple of suggestions:

We can't ignore or become defensive about contemporary issues. We also must hold our church accountable for addressing the issues as well. Nothing is accomplished when all we tell teens is that, ".... is wrong." We need to give them the biblical resources so that they can grapple with the issues and draw their own conclusions. This is where our church, especially the youth ministry staff, become a vital resource.

We must live out our faith passionately. If our teens see the church as lacking passion, the change must begin with us. We must be into God's Word on a daily basis and practice a walk of Christian discipleship. When we live the faith, we are providing our kids with the best example possible.
Lastly, when we see enthusiasm within the church we need to "fan the flame," rather than "quench the fire."

Reflections on Grandparents Day

Barb and I spent this morning at our grandsons' school, St. Paul Lutheran School in Fort Worth, Texas. It was grandparents day and the church sanctuary was packed. They had a very nice assembly featuring the school choirs and orchestra. They also had a humorous version of Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader, with a senior couple matched against their granddaughter. Yes the student won.

The highlight for me was sitting with our oldest grandson,second grader Andrew. After he had showed me around his classroom and read a book to me, he asked if I would answer some questions. The questions had been printed out for him, but as he asked each one he listened patiently as I responded. He wanted to know where I was born (Detroit) and what kinds of games I liked to play as a child (outdoor activity baseball, indoor Monopoly). He also was curious about my first job (paperboy).

I reflected back on a conversation that our daughter, Katie, had with my grandmother. Katie was in middle school and had the assignment of interviewing someone who had experienced history. At that point grandma was one hundred years old: That's a lot of history. One of the questions was: What is the greatest invention during your lifetime. I was thinking the telephone or radio, but grandma trumped that, "electricity." She went on to describe what life was like before the electric light. Katie sat amazed.

Our children can learn so much from listening to the stories from previous generations. Some of those are stories of faith, other are of family traditions. Some are stories of tragedies and others of great accomplishments. Even in the world of social media and mass communication, there is still a need for storytelling. Make sure that is part of your child's experience.

Our Response to School Violence

There was another school shooting in the news this week. This time the community of Chardon, Ohio is in shock over the senseless killing of three students. The sad reality is its a sign of the times. Still, I think there are some things we can be doing to lessen the likelihood of our children becoming the victims.

It begins with the way that we treat other people. All people, even those the world labels as "weird" or different, deserve to be treated with love and respect. A friendly smile and a warm hello, over time can soften even the hardest of hearts. That is the message we need to convey to our teenagers, but the best way to teach it is to live it.

Secondly, those of us who work with teenagers need to be on the alert for kids who are drifting toward the fringe. I have yet to hear of an instance where the shooter was the star athlete or the homecoming queen. They are almost always kids who have become unattached. Sometimes they have been bullied, other times just socially excluded. Those are the kids who need to be on our radar. We need to help such students to become connected. We need to let them know that we care about them.

Outlawing guns and installing metal detectors in every school is not the solution. The end of such school violence will only happen when we learn to treat each other in a more Christ-like manner.

Lenten Reflections

Today is Ash Wednesday, marking the beginning of the season of Lent. I have very vivid memories of Lent from my childhood days. Wednesday night Lenten services were not an option in our house. Somewhere around fourth or fifth grade my parents started requiring my attendance. My mom and dad sang in the choir, so I sat quietly in the pew with my grandmother. It was hard not to be solemn in the sanctuary. The lights were turned low and candles flickered at the end of each row. Our pastor always wore a black robe, with a white surplice over the top. During Lent he left the surplice in the closet and was robed only in black. No stole, the only adornment being a large silver cross. That cross seemed to jump out from the black background. I can still sing many of those Lenten hymns from memory: There is a Fountain Filled With Blood, O Sacred Head Now Wounded and Come to Calvary's Holy Mountain.

It wasn't until I was in college and had to study theology that the true impact Lent came clear to me. As a child I never thought much about the contrast between Lent and Easter. I think it was professor Tom Strieter who enlightened me. Confession and absolution lead to celebration. To truly celebrate our Lord's Resurrection, we must first acknowledge our sinful nature. It was my sins that caused his suffering. I recall the first time I watched Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion of the Christ,. I was moved to tears by the realization that I caused His suffering.

One shortcoming of contemporary worship is that we lose sight of the liturgical church year. That's why I think it is vital that all Christian parents encourage their children and teens to observe Lent. More than that, we need to make sure the next generation understands the full meaning of the Lent. Christmas is a great celebration, but unless Christ suffered for our sins and defeated death and the devil by rising again we have no hope. The crux of who we are as people of faith is found in the contrast that is Lent and Easter.

The TCU Drug Bust: Kids will Break Your Heart

The administration at Texas Christian University, including football coach Gary Patterson, have learned something I discovered long ago. If you work with teenagers and young adults, sooner or later they will break your heart. While I was saddened by this weeks news that seventeen TCU students, including four football players, had been arrested for dealing drugs I was not shocked. Drugs use among students is a reality.

I am still proud to be a member of the "Horned Frog Nation." Our family's association with TCU has existed for over twenty years. We have two Horned Frog alums in the family. We just renewed our seasons tickets for TCU football for another year. TCU is a great university, but even great schools are susceptible to the problem of drug abuse.

I have spent over forty years working with teenagers and their families. The last eleven of those years I was the school counselor at Lutheran High School of Dallas. LHS was a great academic institution, but that did not make us immune to a drug problem. I recall one student assembly. We had invited narcotics detectives unto our campus to talk to our kids about the dangers of drug abuse. They bought along a drug sniffing dog and told me before the assembly they wanted to demonstrate how the animal could find marijuana. Their plan was to plant a bag of pot somewhere in the gym and let the dog find it. I waited, but that part of the program never came. After the assembly I asked one of the officers why. He replied, "We didn't want to embarrass one of your students." The dog had picked up a scent of pot as soon as it entered the room. The detective was even able to point to where the pot was, and indicated he had a good idea as to which student had it in their possession.

Drugs, especially marijuana, are a very real problem among teens and young adults. A recently released study, done for the Federal Government by the University of Michigan, indicated that pot has replaced alcohol as the drug of choice among American teens. This was not small sample. Forty-seven thousand teens were polled. One in fifteen high school seniors reported that they smoked pot on a daily or almost daily basis. That is an epidemic. If a student is using marijuana in high school, they are going to bring that pattern of behavior to the college.

Parents who think their teens are immune, or feel their students are above such behavior, are being naive. The issue needs to be brought to the surface and addressed. Having the TCU drug bust in the news presents the ideal opportunity to have an open and frank discussion about the dangers of drugs and addiction with your teenager. If they have been exposed to drug use believe me they will be.

Prepare to be Fired

The reality is at some point in time every parent is going to be fired. Allow me to explain. Like the rest of us, teenagers are constantly facing decisions. At some point they will encounter a dilemma that they don't want their parents to know about. Think back, you know there were issues you wanted to keep hidden from your folks. Let's be honest. If in your teen years you were invited to a party where you knew there was going to be alcohol present you wouldn't consult your parents on what to do. When faced with some issues, parents tend to over-react: "You are going to do what, with who?"

It's no different today. The issue might involve sex, substance abuse or might be ethical in nature. Almost every teen is going to face an issue they want to hide from mom and dad. That's why it's vital that we surround our kids with a support system. While we can't always control who their friends are, we do have some influence over who the significant adults are in their lives.

I recently returned from a three day retreat with a group of forty DCE, youth ministry folks. It's been over fifteen years since I've been in that kind of environment, but I found one thing the same. They still had a passion for children/teens and their families. Children and youth ministry professionals, along with the volunteers who are part of their ministries, are a valuable resource for you. Coaches, teachers and scout leaders can also fill that role. The important thing is that you place your teen in an environment where they are surrounded by adults who share the same faith and values that you do. If you are going to be fired as a parent, you want to make sure the people they are turning to for advice are guiding them in the same direction you would.

During my years as a youth minister, coach and school counselor there were countless times when I was called on by a teen for guidance on a tough issue. Yes, there were times when the matter was resolved without mom or dad even knowing it. There were other times when I would get a call after the fact. "I am not sure what was going on, but I am sure glad you were there for us."