Parental Expectations

We are at the beginning of another school year. For parents and students both, this provides the opportunity for a fresh start, and perhaps new and higher expectations. For many parents this is also a time for transitions. No right of passage is more significant than the one from high school to college. I visited with three families experiencing such a transition at church yesterday. It brought back memories of the long ride home after dropping off our kids in their first college dorms.

I recently came across some data released by the Iowa based testing company ACT that I think parents of college freshmen need to keep in mind when setting their expectations. Across the board ACT tests scores have remained at the same level over the last few years. Maximum score on the ACT test is 36 and the average test score in all four subject areas tested ranges from 20.6 (English) to 21.4 (Reading). "We've got a lot of work to do," noted ACT President, Cynthia Schmeiser. For example, 40% of students were unable to use the correct adverb or adjective form in a sentence. 30% were unable to evaluate the contribution that significant details make to a text as a whole.

Based on those test results, maintaining a "C" average as a college freshmen might be the best we can hope for, in many cases. My experience as a parent and also high school counselor, also tells me that freshmen year is more a matter of survival. Typically a student's college GPA will go up as they move through the college years. Part of this is due to students learning how to manage their lives and part to being able to focs on classes that really apply to them and their career goals.

The beginning of a school year is a great time to sit down with your student and discuss their expectation for the future with them. What kind of vision have they cast for themselves. What current objectives have they set that will help them reach their long-term goals. Grades, whether they be in high school or college, are only a part of that the big pictures. Unrealistic expectations could not only lead to disappointment but can hurt a relationship.

Teen Sexting

With the beginning of a new school year the issue of sexting and the posting of suggestive photos on the internet is back in the news. Two local DFW school districts have specifically band texting and the general use of cell phones during the school day. Administrators for other districts have expressed concern over the material posted on student's web pages. During my years as a school counselor I regularly had to deal with this issue. Sometimes it was a parent who brought it to my attention. Other times it was one of my colleagues, some of whom out of a sincere concern for kids monitored the internet social network. Rarely did kids "blow the whistle" on their peers.

Typically the incident unfolded this way. Any adult would walk into my office and place an envelope or file folder on my desk. "Have you seen this?" they would ask. A glance at the material helped me to understand their concern. Ninety percent of the time it was a female student in some kind of a suggestive pose. My mental response was usually, "what were they thinking." My next step was always to contact the parent of the student and request that they stop by. I knew better than to approach the topic without them viewing the evidence. "My "sweet" daughter would never do anything like that." With the actual photo in front of them it was difficult for them to dispute the issue. At that point I would usually hand the evidence over to them and let them deal with it. I knew I wasn't done with it, however. In the ensuing days I would usually get the cold shoulder from the teen. Only on rare occasions did they really express what they were thinking, "You've got no right to control what I do in private."

We do have a responsibility to protect kids. Oft times the enemy is themselves. Truth is, they just don't think things through. The tempting photos they post for their friends to see sends a message to the opposite sex. Unfortunately that audience could include some perverted adults. Teenagers are vulnerable enough without increasing it by posting suggestive pictures of themselves.

As a parent, you are responsible for monitoring you teenagers internet and cell phone activity. That can be done by regularly asking them to show you what's there. Is it a violation of their privacy? Yes, but you are the parent and adult. In most cases you are paying the bills or have bought the computer they are using. Ultimately, it is your responsibility. If they object, take away the privilege or cancel the service. The reality is our kids are at risk.

Road Rage and Suppressed Anger

An incident of road rage made the news in the DFW area over the weekend. Unfortunately we've become accustomed to these occurences. Usually they happen on urban freeways or at an intersection in the ghetto. This one, however, took place in the drive-thru lane at a Chick-Fil-a Restuarant in affluent Southlake. A couple were attempting to leave the pick-up window when their path was blocked by a $200,000 Bentley. Tempers flared and the two men in the Bentley assaulted the women in the passengers seat. My guess is the police will have no problem tracking down the thugs. Even in Southlake there are not a lot of Bentleys.



Road rage is a symptom of a greater problem. As a society, we do not know how to handle conflict. Suppressed anger eventually will lead to an irrational act.


Let's consider the iceburg. We only see the tip. Eighty to ninety percent of the iceburg lies beneath the surface. In the case of the Titanic, it was the portion of the iceburg below the surface that sank the ship. So it with with our anger. The suppressed anger below the surface results in the irrational behavior we eventually see.

We recently spent a week at Disney World with our three pre-school age grandsons. We expected to have some moment of tension. You can't have nine people together for a full week and not have conflicts. Yes, the little boys did throw some tantrums. We could deal with those. Children are not equipped to deal with their emotions in an appropriate way. Adults on the other hand should be so equipped.

One of the appropriate ways is to deal with small conflicts as they occur. When small conflicts are allowed to build below the surface we risk having them come out in an inappropriate manner. My guess is that the two gentlemen in the Bentley were carrying a lot of emotional baggage in their personal trunks.

So, what does this mean to us as parents? We need to be models of how to appropriately deal with conflict. In the relationship with our teens, we are the ones who are probably better equipped to deal with our emotions. Secondly, we can use news stores such as the current one, to talk about the issue of anger and the appropriate ways to deal with it, with our teenagers.

Josh Hamilton and Life Lessons

Another lesson from the world of baseball: On Saturday Texas Ranger, Josh Hamilton, met with the media and admitted that he had "fallen off the wagon" and gone on a drinking binge during the off season. For those not familiar with his story, Josh was one of the top prospects in baseball until drugs and alcohol side-tracked his career. Since turning his life around in 2005, he's become a strong spokesman for Jesus Christ, giving credit to The Lord for the changes in his life. You can check out his testimony on www.iamsecond.com.

As a life-long sinner, I can identify with Josh. The one difference is that to my knowledge my sins have never been posted on youtube. We all stumble. We also all live under grace. Sins confessed, are sins forgiven. "A broken and contrite heart O Lord, you will not dispise." (Psalm 51:17)

What impressed me most about Josh Hamilton's response was that he immediately took ownership of his misdeed. When he awoke the morning after his binge he immediately called Ranger General Manager, John Daniels, the office of Major League Baseball, and his personal friend and his accountability partner, Ranger Coach Johnny Narron. He also apparently confided in a couple of his teammate. That means these men kept it private and kept a vow of confidentiality for at least six months.

There are some lessons here for parents. Number one is the power of addiction and the need to discuss that with our kids. There is also a powerful lesson here in terms of forgiveness. Nobody is pointing a finger at Josh. Everyone is willing to put the incident behind them and move on. There is across the board support. Josh Hamilton is still a friend and teammate. When our kids fall short of our expectation, and yes break our hearts, they are still our kids. God still loves them and so should we.

Instant Gratification: Lessons Learned from Baseball

I am a baseball fan. My favorite team still is the Detroit Tigers but living in the DFW area, I root for the Rangers except when they are playing my team. Yesterday was the supposed trade deadline. I tracked the various deals all day long. Both the Tigers and the Rangers were in the news. The Tigers because they pulled the trigger on a big deal, the Rangers because they didn't. The team from Detroit traded two prospective pitchers to Seattle for a veteran pitcher, Jerrod Washburn. The Rangers are acknowledged to have one of the best farm systems in baseball. They have a number of great pitching prospects but they refused to trade any of them just to get one veteran who might help them win this year. I was hoping the Tigers remembered 1987. If you are a fan you know the name John Smoltz. He's a great pitcher, probably Hall of Fame material. That year the Tigers traded him for Doyle Alexander. The Tigers won their division but lost in the playoff. Doyle Alexander left and John Smoltz made history.

There is a pressure in baseball to win now. I know the Rangers felt pressure over the last couple of days to do that. The question is, do we mortgage the future to have a chance at being successful right now? The human inclination is to want immediate success. Why wait when you can have something now?

I think much of our current economic situation is the result of a desire for instant gratification. Why wait for something when we can have it now? I'll just put it on my credit card. That way I can enjoy it while I am paying it off. Our nation's consumer debt is sky high because of this line of thinking. We are also raising a generation of consumers, our kids, who expect to have the latest and the best right now.

This is an issue that needs to be discussed between you and your children. If they are old enough to ask for things, they are old enough to understand the word "no." Once you've accomplished that with them you need to sit down and explain the how and why behind the answer. There is much to be gained from learning to wait. Plan prudently and then wait on the Lord.