Teen Suicide

I spent Wednesday night with a group of parents at University Baptist Church in Fort Worth. A member of their youth group had taken his life on Monday morning. Knowing my background as a school counselor and youth advocate, my friend had asked me to help the parents process what had taken place. A team of trained grief counselors from the Fort Worth ISD were meeting with the teens at the same time. Many of those present had a personal relationship with Nathan, the young man. One mom reported that she and her daughter had given Nathan a ride home from a youth event on Sunday night. It was hard to comprehend how the happy young man they had known could just twelve hours later kill himself.

Teen suicide is not a new issue. I was serving a church in Cape Girardeau, Missouri in the early seventies. We experienced three teen suicides in a short period of time. The community responded by establishing a crisis phone line. I had the privilege of serving on the initial board. During my tenure at Lutheran High Dallas, suicide was an ongoing concern. I was involved in numerous interventions and fortunately never had a student take their own life.

I don't think we will ever truly understand the "why" behind teen suicide. I do know that lack of a pre-frontal cortex in the teenage brain, can result in teens often acting in irrational ways. Think about the numbers times you have mentally asked, "What were they thinking?" We also know from experience that teens can ride an emotional rollercoaster, being silly one minute and in tears the next. If there is one comfort it comes from know we have a Savior who undestands, even when we don't.

As a parent, the thought of losing a child or grand child goes beyond my comprehension. The question is, how can I prevent my child from taking their own life?

It starts with creating an atmosphere of openness when it comes to sharing emotions. When we talk about our fears and feelings, we give our teens permission to talk about theirs. That especially comes to the feeling of love. We can never express it enough. Because of their nature we can't always expect our teens to recipricate. Getting teens to open up about what they are feeling prevents them from internalizing them.

Secondly, keep your radar on when it comes to detecting changes in routine or friendships. Some of those could be natural transitions but any change becomes a stress point. Don't hesitate to ask questions.

Finally, make sure your teen has a support system. They need to be surrounded by adults who not only care about them but share your value system. In times of crisis, such individual might be the ones your teens turn to.

We can never totally eliminate teen sucides but we can build in safe guards to lessen the risk with our kids.

Super Opportunity

One year when our daughter Katie was in high school she asked if she could host a Super Bowl party for some of her friends. We said OK: our philosophy always was if we had the kids at our house we knew what was going on. In this case the guests were all female and my wife planned the food accordingly. I arranged my agenda so as to avoid the family room.

The volume coming from that area of the house caused me to wonder how the girls could focus the game. When I peeked in I discovered they weren't. They were playing board games, laughing and talking. It was apparent they didn't have any idea what was happening in the game. I went back to my reading, with the game playing in the background when I suddenly became aware that the girls had become silent. Curious that perhaps a player had been seriously injured, I went to check on the girls. They were focused on the TV... watching the commercials. They had no interest at all in the game and probably didn't even know the score. They just wanted to watch the ads.

I must admit that when I it comes to the NFL, I am a casual observer. I am a NASCAR fan and the racing season conflicts with football. I also have a disdain for a certain owner of the local NFL team. I must admit that I do start watching once the playoffs start, mainly because you have to know what the local heroes have done, or could have done, to carry on a conversation with most people. Yes, I will watch the Super Bowl, but then so will most Americans.

If your family is going to sit down and watch the game together, why not seize the opportunity to discuss the commercials. You might even use a numeric judging system. "I would rate that one a 6.5 on a ten point scale." The commericals also could open the door for you to talk about the messages the commericals are sending. You might end up discussing values and the impact that the media has on our culture.

Tim Tebow gives us another issue to discuss. Focus on the Family has purchased commercial time to air a thirty-second spot featuring the Florida State Quarterback and his mom. The commercial delivers a very blatant pro-life message. It also has created quite a controversy. This morning's USA Today sport section features a pair of editorials presenting both sides of the issue. What an opportunity to discuss the issue with your teen!

Your Teen's Role Models

The Grammy Awards were on TV last night. There was a time when I enjoyed watching the Grammy Awards. Last night I tried to avoid it. I found a good book and sat by the fire. Sometime over the last decade contemporary music left me behind. My interest in The Grammy Awards waned when Rap was given it's own category.

I hear people talk about the lifestyles of the current rich and famous. The images I see of Lady Gaga are disturbing. I don't know much about her but I am not sure I would want my daughter seeing her as a role model. I understand Stevie Nicks sang a duet with Taylor Swift. Stevie was part of Fleetwood Mac, a group I still enjoy listening to but I have never considered them role models. I guess the every generation has it's share of negative role models, as well as a few of those who are positive.

I believe it's essential that parents pay attention to who their kids view as role models. Take time to talk about what they saying and doing. Help them process what they are seeing and hearing. Ask questions such as: How do you feel about what they said? or "What do you think about what they are wearing?" When it comes to music, check out the lyrics and discuss with your teen the message a song is sending. Instead of complaining about the culture your teen lives in, become familiar with it. You can't ignore it because it's a reality.

Putting Aside Our Agenda Might Become Hairy

If you live in the DFW area you are probably familar with the story of Taylor Pugh. Taylor has been in the news lately because according to the Mesquite School District his hair is too long. Taylor was not allowed to attend class with his friends, but instead received one-one instruction in private. What made this story so disturbing to me was Taylor's age. He's four years old.

I caught on early to the fact that this was his parent's agenda. Mom was the spokesperson. In fact we never really heard from Taylor himself. Length of hair was the agenda and mom would not budge. When the school district offered a compromise, hair ok as long as it was braided, she stated that doing so caused his head to hurt.

Jacquielynn Floyd offer a different perspective to the Taylor Pugh saga in this morning's Dallas Morning News. She tracked down a former hair martyr named Heath Peables. Heath was a Texas sixth grader in the 70's when his parents took a similar stand. "I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to fit it." he stated in a recent interview.

Therein lies the reality for most pre-school and elementary age kids. They just want to fit it, to find their place in the classroom. The sad case is that too many times a parent's agenda becomes the child's and in the process the child is the victim.

Somewhere along the line we need to convey our thoughts and opinions to our children but in almost all cases they need to be allowed to develop thier own agendas. That probably won't happen until the teen years. Up until then their primary agenda is just being a kid and fitting in.

By the way, Taylor is back with his friends, his hair in cornrow braids.

Reflections on MLK Day

I grew up on the eastside of Detroit in the fifties and sixties. Motown was a very segregated city in those days. I lived an all-white neighborhood and went to a public school where I was surrounded by kids like me. There were "colored people," that's what they were called in those days, living in Detroit but they had their area of town and we had ours.

Something significant happened in my life in 1962. The Board of Education bought all the houses in our neighborhood in order to expand elementary school and convert it into a high school. It was a known fact that the new high school would be one of the first to be fully integrated. Most of our neighbor chose to flee to new homes in the suburbs. My parents made the decision to move further into the city. Over the next several years the neighborhood where our family lived went through several transitions. The riot of 1967 marked the beginning of change. Blacks had made their statement and the city was never the same. My parents lived in that same house until 2004 when they moved to an apartment in a retirement community. Dad died within six months.

My dad never talked much about Dr. King, but I believe they shared a common believe. We all need to learn how to just get along together. People, regardless of color, need to live in peace. I think the reason my folks were able to live in the same home in the city for over forty years was because my dad always viewed his neighbors as his friends. He greeted all people with a friendly hello. As a result those who lived around him tried to watch out for him and mom. Their snow was shovel and their house protected.

So, while the rest of the world reflects on Dr. King, I will reflect on my dad and the heritage he passed on to me. All people are part of God's creation. All people need to be loved. All people need Jesus. "Why can't we all just get along?"

What kind of heritage are you passing on to your children? What do your actions say about your attitude toward those who are different than you?

The Gift of Texting

I was a substitute teacher in a middle school yesterday. At the end of the day one of my assigned tasks was to return cell phone to students. In that school student are required to hand over their phones at the beginning of the school day so that they are not tempted to be using them during the school day. Almost all schools have a similar cell phone policy. While it was a minor inconvenience, it caused me to consider what a gift modern technology is.

When I was in high school I always carried a pocket full of dimes. That is what it took to use a pay phone to call home. I got in trouble with my parents during my junior year and after that I was required to check in any time my plans changed or I was going to be delayed getting home. I could have never imagined when there would come a day when I would carry a phone in my pocket.

I am relatively new to the world of texting. I got a new cell phone in November and added two features to my plan. I now have a blue tooth so I can talk hands-free while driving and I have unlimited texting. I soon discovered that most of my texting is to our kids. We have three adult children. Texting is a great way to check in with them without disrupting their routine.

What a gift texting is to parents! It's a way to stay in touch with our kids when they are out of sight. I know not all parents are as "techno-savy" but in my opinion it's worth paying for unlimited texting and to put forth the effort to learn how. Oh by the way, please avoid the temptation to text your child during the school day, lest you get them in trouble.

And the #1 message we should be sending. "Luv Ya! GB" (that's God Bless).

On the Fifth Day of Christmas

OK, I will admit to a case of the Post-Christmas Blues this morning. After four days of celebrating our Lord's Birth surrounded by our kids and grandkids, the house is quiet this morning. It's back to just grandma and myself. I look forward to the holidays because I cherish the family time. It's natural for me to feel a let-down once it's past. So, how does one combat the Post-Christmas Blues?

I try to focus on the fact that Christmas is a season, rather than a single day event. One of the more popular Christmas Carols is The Twelve Days of Christmas. It's one of my favorites because it underscores a little known fact. Christmas is a twelve day season running from December 25th to January 6th. January 6th is Epiphany, the day most of the Christian world celebrates Christ's Birth. For that reason the decorations in and around our house stay up until that day.

In actuality, Christ's birth is an event that needs to be celebrated on a daily basis. December 25th is just an arbitrary date. The actual date of Christ's birth is not known, so technically we can celebrate it any day. The same for Christ's resurrection. What a neat privilege we have! Christ's birth gives us joy. Christ's resurrection gives us hope. We have a reason to celebrate every day.

That is part of the legacy we need to pass on to our children. The best way to do that is to live it. Live each day with a sense of joy and hope. When others, especially the members of our family, see that it becomes our witness to them. It's another way of passing on the heritage of faith.