Dead Man Talk

I just finished a remarkable book titled Raising Cole. The author is Marc Pittman. His son, Cole Pittman was a football player for the University of Texas Longhorns. Cole was killed in an auto accident. The book is about the unique relationship the Marc Pittman had with his sons and how that relationship got him through the difficult grief process.

Marc Pittman has a very unique style of parenting. He was the product of a rough upbringing. A builder by trade, he loved the outdoors and had even, on a dare, wrestled a bear. His personality was shown in the unusual relationship he had with his sons, Cole and Chase. Two aspects of that relationships really impacted me.

One is the term "Love Wars." It involved verbally expressing, "I love you," to each other. The war part comes from the fact that each individual tries to prove they love the other more deeply. In other words, they try to go out of their way to express affection in radical ways. Not exactly what you would expect from a 300 lb. football player.

The other aspect of their relationship was "Dead man talk." It draws its meaning from the concept that dead men can't tell secrets. Marc Pittman and his son Cole shared everything. During long discussions they would talk about fears and regrets. It was also a time of confession. Marc Pittman sincerely believed he know everyone of Cole's secrets. The son felt comfortable sharing his thoughts because they we sealed with a vow of secrecy.

I really would encourage you to read the book Raising Cole. It's an outstanding story. In many ways it touched me like Ron Hall's book Same Kind of Different as Me. More importantly, I would encourage you to be honest with your kids. When you share your struggles and inner feeling with them, you give them the freedom to do the same. You are also building a relationship that will be capable of weathering all of life's storms.

Wanting to Rush The Finished Product

I still build model cars. I am a NASCAR fan so I usually buy kits that feature race cars that have some historical value or special meaning to me. OK, tell me I am still a kid at heart. In actuality it one way I pass the time while watching the races on TV each weekend.

Each kits starts with close to a hundred parts, many of the quite small. I am grateful for the instructions that take me step by step through the building process. I am often tempted to just look at the picture on the box and just proceed. Afterall, I've built models before. But I've learned to follow the directions and not skip steps. There is a reason behind every step and why they are placed in that order. To try to rush things, skips steps and do it myself, could ruin the project.

I thought of that this morning as I watch a small segmnt of Good Morning America. It featured a mom who is grooming her two year old daughter to be a beauty queen. I guess in this warpped, self obsorbed world, there are even have beauty contest for toddlers. I am sure this mom means well. As I recall they said she was a teacher by trade. But give me a break. I think she was looking at the picture of the finished project, what she wants her daughter to become, and skipping some steps along the way.

Previously I've written about the danger of living our dreams vicariously through our kids. I see this as another example. It's not a danger limited to the athletic field. The dream scould be of our child as a singer, actor or professional model. When we do that, we want to rush the process. Plan things out now, our way. The danger is that our broken dream becomes their nightmare and in the process we rob them of their childhood.

Give your kids a hug today, and then set them free to pursue their dreams. Don't force your broken dreams on them.

The Things I Learned at Disney World

I am just back from seven days at Disney World. Barb and I recently celebrated forty years of marriage. Trip was our way of celebrating with our kids and grandkids. Nine of us spent seven nights in a two bedroom condo. Speaking for myself, I think we came away loving each other more. Our oldest son Peter and his wife, Amy, have three little boys; Little being defined as under the age of six. Observing them in action for a week I must say I was impressed. They might be the ultimate tag team. Yes, grandma and I stayed back at the resort most evenings so the young people could go out and some fun.

I had not been to the Magic Kingdom before. One of the things that surprised me was the number of international travelers. During my first two days I met families from The UK, Scotland, The Netherlands, Peru, Costa Rica and Brazil. I stopped trying to keep track. One thing I concluded was that international families have a very different style of parenting. I witnessed more family discussion and saw much more unity among those from other cultures. Even the large youth groups, some numbers 50+, seemed well behaved and disciplined. Perhaps it is because the international travelers are from the higher economic class, only they could probably afford such a trip.

International families seemed to treat each other with respect. I saw a lot of serious conversation and listening, as opposed to many American parents who seemed to take the "my way or the highway," approach.

I did come away with a list of the three worst examples of parenting (yes I actually heard these);

1. "If you don't knock if off we'll go back to the hotel." (Yeah right, that's the reason we spent all that money to get into this park.)
2. "If you don't stop it, I'll break your arm!" (I think I will let Child Protective Services handle that one.)
3. "You are acting just like your father." (And you mom, remind me of a member of the gestapo.)

Please think about your parenting style before you go out in public. Our country needs to imporve our image.

Raising Happy Kids

A brief article under the heading You Should Know in the most recent issue of Suburban Parent, a Dallas-Fort Worth free publication, caught my eye. "TV Watching Linked to Unhappiness?" the article asked. The single paragraph referred to a recent study at the University of Maryland. My interest was captured. I have long maintained that too much TV has a negative impact. In my opinion one downside is the belief that television leads us to expect all of life's problems to be solved in a thirty, sixty or ninty minutes format, depending on the severity of the issue.

I did a quick search on Google and found the study itself. A brief summary was also published on sciencedaily.com in November, 2008. It turns out this is a long-term study, going back thirty years. Two professors from the university gathered data on 30,000 adults. That makes for a pretty impressive and valid study. They examined the activity patterns of happy and unhappy people between 1975 and 2006. The authors discovered that happy people were more socially active, attended more religious services, voted more often and read more newspapers. In contrast, unhappy people watched significantly more television in their spare time and read less. Watching televsion does produce short-term satisfaction but can become addictive.

So what does this mean to today's parents. I believe it reinforces the need to provide our kids with a balanced lifestyle. Our children should experience a variety of experiences on a regular basis. They should be encourage to participate in sports and other leisure activities. They should also be socially active, interacting with a variety of individual, including some adults who will have a positive influence. Church activities, including youth group, are also important.

Television, videos and gaming are a part of our culture. It's up to us to dictate the amount of influence they have. Remember, we are the adults and they are the kids. If we don't want the media to control them, we have to exercise control over their lifestyle. By the way, leading a healthy lifestyle yourself will help you live a happier life too. You will also be setting a good example.

Encouraging Self Indulgence

I have seen the pink stretch lemo with the words "Party Girls" inscribed boldly on the side at various times when driving around North Dallas. My first thought was usually, "Way to go," as I envisioned some young moms taking a deserved break from their family responsibilities. Or perhaps it was a group of single gals celebrating a special occasion. From my high school counselor experience I know lemo companies do a big business during prom season but no high school jock would be caught dead in a pink lemo. It has to be a girl thing!

When I saw the picture of the pink lemo on the front page of the Dallas Morning News Metro section yesterday I was intrigued. Before my eyes could drift up to the headline, they were captured by the image of a group of six year olds dancing in party dresses. "The Big Business of Birthdays," the banner boldly proclaimed. The print below the pictured noted that Avery's party at a Frisco Spa had set her parents back $399. That did not include the lemo ride to and from. My next thought was, "What's wrong with this picture?" but pershaps it should be, "What's wrong with a culture that needs to over indulge our kids?"

I knew that bounce houses had long ago replaced "pin the tail on the donkey" but a stretch lemo and spa trip for a pre-adolescent was a new one of me. I guess I live in a sheltered world. When our grandson celebrated his fifth birthday my son and his wife invited us to join other family members for a bowling party. Andrew has become quite an accomplished bowler on the Wii. He didn't do badly on a real lane. I could accept that. But $500+ for a lemo and spa party seems a bit overboard. I guess the need for six year olds to have a make-up session and pedicure escapes me.

One of the reasons the rest of the world looks on the United States with such disdain is our reputation for over-indulgence. Based on the article, I would say the trend will continue. Arminta Jacobson, the director of the Center for Parent Education at the University of North Texas, call the rising expectations of child partygoers the "snowball effect." I see it more as our "competive nature." Which parent can out-do all the others at providing an extravagant experience for their child and friends.

I really encourage all parents to stop and count the cost before they plan such an event for their child. I am not talking about the dollar value attached to such parties but rather the long-term trend. If it's going to cost $500 for a birthday party for a six year old, what is it going to cost for their senior prom? What kind of expectations are we establishing here?

On the other extreme we have friends at church with twin daughters. The girls recently celebrated their birthday with a party. Instead of gifts from themselves they wanted their guests to bring school supplies that could be donated to an urban mission in Dallas. How cool is that?

A Baseball Prodigy

I found the cover photo of last week's Sports Illustrated a little disturbing. It wasn't Kobe Bryant, Albert Pujols or some other recognizable superstar but rather a sixteen year old baseball prodigy. "Baseballs Chosen One," the headline proclaimed. Baseball scouts are drooling over a high school sophomore who slugs five hundred foot home runs and fires the ball at ninty-six miles per hour. His name is Bryce Harper and he lives in Las Vegas. He is so far above other high school players in his area that he now flys around the country playing for various all star teams. There is talk of him taking the GED so that can graduate early and be eligible for the major league draft. Noted agent, Scott Boras, is already advising his parents.

I am not Scott Boras but I do have some advise. Slow Down, mom and dad. I point to two other high school phenoms; David Clyde and Todd Van Poppel. Both made the jump right from high school to the major leagues. Both had abbreviated careers. Sure there have been some successes. Robin Yount and Ivan Rodriguez come to mind. Rodriguez is even a natural catcher like Harper.

The article portrays Bryce Harper as a kid who has his act together. In one picture in the magazine the scripture reference "Luke 1:37" adorns one taped wrist, the words, "Play for Him" is on the other. He supposedly participates in a Bible study every morning. Good for him. He still is only sixteen years old. While he has athletic ability far beyond the age, he has the brain and maturity of a teenager. His value system is still developing and his life management skills are very much a work in progress. To surround him with people who will manage his life is doing him a disservice. To deny him the opportunity to grow up experiencing his high school years could sow the seeds of resentment somewhere down the line. In short, Bryce needs to just be allowed to grow up. If he's that good the money will always be there.

An interesting contrast was a brief article in this mornings Dallas Morning News. "Paschal (high school) Star Takes Dad's Advice," was the heading. The story was about Brian Milner and his son Hoby. Brian was high school prodigy who turned down a scholarship to Arizona State to sign with the Blue Jays. He was out of the game five years later with only nine profession at bats. Last month, thirty one years later, he finally graduated from college. Now Hoby has "eye popping" statistics. Hoby plans to attend the University of Texas on a baseball scholarship. "If anything happens, I'll have my degree," he states.

That says it all.

A Note to Misty, Amber and Tiffany's Mom

I have a message for Misty, Amber and Tiffany's mom. Chill!!!



I caught my first glimpse of her as I slowly drove through a school zone yesterday. I glanced into my rearview mirror to see her riding my rear bumper, cell phone in her right hand and tigthly gripping the steering wheel with her left. I could see a small soccer ball swaying from her mirror. Before we had exited the school zone she had swerved into the right lane and accelerated ahead of me. She must have found a break in the traffice because the next thing I noticed was she cut across the center lane bound for the left one, which appeared to be clear. I caught up with her at the next stop light. She was one car ahead of me in the left lane. The names of her three daughters were displayed proudly in the back window of her Ford Explorer: Misty-Patriots, Amber-Hotshots, Tiffany-Hornets. She was a soccer mom and she was on a mission.

The pattern continued. It's about eight miles up Josey Lane from where I first met Misty, Amber and Tiffany's mom to where I turned right and headed for a hospital visit. I was her shadow almost the entire route. She would speed away from every green light. I could see glimpses of her darting in and out of lanes up ahead. Meanwhile, I was plodding along at the posted speed limit. At most lights I coasted up just in time to see her pull away. At one light, I don't know if it was me or the person in the left lane that she was frustrated with. I had timed it right and reached the intersection just as the light turned green. I coasted by her, as she was hung up behind a slow-moving grey Lexus. "Imagine that, a driver in the far left lane who actually drives the speed limit," I am sure she thought. I watched her swing in behind me, accelerated past and then cut across my lane to get back to the left. Sure enough, she was waiting for me as I coasted up to the next light.

I think I could even identify her when she isn't behind the wheel. She would be the mom in the bleachers at the soccer game complaining about the incompetent referees. She would be the mom in the parking lot tapping her shoe while the coach debriefed the team after the game. "Come on, let's get on with it. I have other places to be, you know." As a coach myself, she would expect her to be the mom who would call me hours after the game asking why her precious daughter, with so much natural talent, wasn't seeing more time on the field.

I guess what troubled me most was the "fish" symbol on the rear bumper of her SUV and the decal identifying the church she was affiliated with. I guess that church hasn't taught the part of the Bible on spiritual gifts, especially patience.

I know I am wrong for pre-judging the woman. Maybe she is a nice person and I was just catching her at a bad time. I guess the lesson here is the responsibility we all carry when we wear the sign of the cross, or in this case the fish. We identify ourselves as being members of God's Kingdom. We represent Christ in all we do. It's easy to get caught up in the pressures of this world and forget that. It can especially be that way for contemporary parents, many of whom are balancing full-time jobs and surviving this economy, in addition to their parenting responsibilities. Maybe we all need to just chill once in a while and think about who we are as Children of God.