Church and Family

I am reading a very insightful book titled Think Orange. The author is Reggie Joiner. The concept behind the book is that the color orange is the result of the blending of the colors red and yellow. The result is a bold new color and dynamic change. Reggie Joiner notes that both the church and familis are at a crossroads. In his words, "The church is losing its influence and the home is losing its heart."

I could not agree more. I also know that the two institutions, church and family, share a common goal; that is pointing people to Jesus. Churches that lose that focus will ulitimately die. Families that lose that focus are on the road to eventual ruin as well. Church and family must blend together.

The sad reality is that for many families church remains just another activity. God did not intend for the family to be that way. In fact, his intent was that the family, not the church, be the primary vehicle for passing on the heritage of faith. When Martin Luther wrote the Small Catechism, he intended that parents, not the church, use it to instruct their children.

We invest a lot of time and energy into making sure our children's future is secure. We save and invest so that they will receive a good education and their financial future is secure. But what about their eternal future? Unlike all the matierial things we give out kids, personal relationship with Jesus Christ, can never be stolen and won't ever break or wear out.

The Balloon Boy

Everyone else is talking about the Balloon Boy in Colorado Springs, I guess it's my turn.

In my recently released book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents Do To Screw-Up Their Kids, I identify living our dreams vicariously through out kids as one mistake parents make. That is not the case here, however. From my perspective this is a case of a parent living their personal dreams at the expense of their kids.

The dad in this case, Richard Heene, is like a character from a Disney movie. He views himself as a innovator and explorer. He enjoys edgy adventures, like storm chasing. There is nothing wrong with that. We need those kind of people so that the envelope is constantly being pushed in terms of technology. The problem here is that his kids have become the victims in his quest for adventure.

Unfortunarely this happens more often than we think. The problem is it takes a major public folly to move it to the forefront. When a parents personal passion impacts the life of their kids, that's a problem. It might be a career decision, accepting a position in another state because it advances out career even though it disrupts the family. Or perhaps it's a passion for a sport like golf; The time spent on the course takes away from quality family time. I am not saying there is something wrong with playing golf or changing jobs. What needs to be considered is; How does my decision impact those I love?

I bet Richard Heene wishes he had considered how his decision would impact his family before he launched his dream balloon.

College Students and Their Faith

I have listened to a number of parents express concern about the worship habits and faith of their college age children. This is nothing new. I recall my own college days. I went to a school where a majority of the students were preparing for some kind of full-time ministry but Sunday church attendance was usually less than 50%. That didn't mean religion wasn't a hot topic. I remember many late-night discussion. We took many classes on theology but I probably got more out of the dorm room debates. `

Parents need to remember that one's faith is always a work in progress. People move through faith stages, just like they do cognitive and social stages. Most teenagers are in the Synthetic-Conventional Stage. For the most part they have inherited the faith of their parents. They are usually the products of some kind of religious instruction that has enlightened them in the basic tenets of that faith tradition. Knowledge does not equal faith, however. During the young adult years most people develop an Individual-Reflective Faith. They often step away from the religious traditions of their childhood. In the process they might consider, and even try other faith perspectives. Yes, there is always the risk that they will lose their faith. Scary, you bet!

So, what is a Christian parent to do?

Be a spiritual sojourner yourself. It's not enough just to attend worship on a regular basis. People, especially your kids, should see you in God's Word regularly. Bible study, both within a group and personal setting are both vital. You need to be honest about your own spiritual struggles. The strongest witness you can give your kids is by allowing them to see how you handle crisis. If you remain strong in your faith during the tough times, you are providing them with an excellent model.

At all times, faith is a very personal thing.

Adult Mentors

The world today's children grow up in is vastly different from the one that nurtured my generation. I grew up in a neighborhood where my grandparents lived just blocks away. Five additional aunts and uncles also lived with a mile of our house. I can add friends at church, including my confirmation sponsor who I still see every time I am home and go to church with my mom. The bottom line is, In addition to my parents there were numerous significant adults in my life. Since we live in Texas and our roots are up north, our own kids never had the benefit of having grandparents and other relatives close by. Who are the significant adults in the lives of your kids?

An article in yesterday's Dallas Morning News focused on the impact mentors are having on low income students in the City of Irving, Texas. Local churches are partnering with neighboring schools to provide adult mentors who work one-on-one with students. While the emphasis is on academic help, the adult mentors provide much more. Mentors provide personal support and serve as role models.

The impact of adult mentors is a proven fact. A study by the University of Illinois-Chicago, focused on urban youth. Students who worked with a mentor were more successful in school and also were less likely to become involved in violent behavior. Such student had a higher self esteem and were more likely to attend college.

Mentors are not just for youth who live in low income communities. All kids need significant adults, other than their parents, involved in their lives. Teachers, coaches and church youth leaders all can make excellent mentors. Most mentoring relationships develop naturally over a period of time. Teens are drawn to adults who not only share an interest but who show a personal concern for them. While you can't hand pick your child's mentor, you can monitor the relationships they have with other adults. It's important that the other significant adults in their lives share similar values to yours and also have the best interest of your child at heart.

Mentors do make a difference.

Never Too Late

I recently spent ten days on the road including some invaluable time in Detroit visiting my eighty-seven year old mom. While this wasn't a tour promoting my new book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents do to Screw-Up Their Kids, I didn't hesitate to talk about the project with anyone who would listen.



When I gave my business card to one young man he commented that it was too late for him and wife. When I inquired about the age of his daughter he said she was thirteen. I tried to assure him that in spite of what he saw, "the final die had not been cast." It's never to late too make mid-course directions in an attempt to change a relationship. I contrast that man with another middle-age individual I spoke with. He had recently reconciled with this daughter who is now in her mid-twenties. She had recently come back into his life after almost five years of seperation. She had apologized for making such poor choices in her teen and college years and for all the grief she had caused him and his wife.



There are two lessons here:



Today is the day to begin to work on the relationship we have with our kids. It should begin with open communication. We need to say, "I love you," more. When we express that feeling, we need to back it up by telling them how much and why we care about them. We also need to be honest when their behavior hurts or concerns us. That doesn't mean threatening them with punishment. There also is no room for anger when we talk about it. A simple "I message" is best. "When you __________ it makes me feel ___________ because ____________." Your message might be, "When you got a ticket for speeding I got scared because I don't want you to get hurt in an accident."



The second lesson is the importance of unconditional love. No matter what our kids do, they are still our kids. Over the course of human history people have done all kinds of cruel things to each other. All of those things are offensive to the God who created us. In spite of that, God still loves us. When you are frustrated with your teenager, read Luke 15:11-24 and marvel at the love of that father. That's God's expectation for us.



Like in our relationship with God, it's never too late to turn things around.

Embracing Conflict

I spent yesterday morning with a group of middle school students discussing how best to deal with conflicts. Even though they were in the last few hours of a twenty-four hour lock-in, the kids were engaged. Maybe it was the fact that I followed a shaving cream fight but I also think it had something to do with the topic. Conflicts are a reality. If two people spend any time together, there will be conflicts. The Bible is only four chapters old when Cain kills his brother Abel as the result of a conflict.

I think the reason kids have a problem dealing with conflicts is because we as a society have a problem with it. Most parents are not good role models when it comes to handling conflict. The options are usually to flee or to fight. When we flee a conflict we are ignoring it, hoping it will go away. When we fight it we are confronting it, working out the differences. Unfortunately most of us continue to flee until things get so bad that we have to fight. By then, it's often to late to salvage the relationship because of all the accumulated baggage.

I encouraged my young friends yesterday to embrace conflict. We need to see conflicts as a growth point. It is also an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and others. In conflicts we tend to focus on our needs. When we embrace conflict we listen to the needs of others and seek to blend those with our needs to find a solution that satisfies both parties.

Discipline Not Punishment

In my recently released book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents Do To Screw-Up Their Kids, I dedicate one of the early chapters to the difference between punishment and discipline. I discovered this weekend I am not the first person who has written about the issue. One of my favorite Christian authors is Walter Wangerin Jr. Walt has a way of telling a story but more than that he relates God's grace to real life in a dynamic fashion. There is a personal connection for me in that Walt's younger brother was my freshman dorm counselor in college and their dad was one of my professors. When our son Mark was at Valparaiso University, Walt became his favorite professor. Wangerin relates three steps to discipline: 1) Anticipate the sin, 2) In the very instant of the sin, shine the light on it, 3) Heal the hurt. Wangerin uses the example of Peter's denial and Jesus' restoration.

The author of Hebrews addresses the topic in Hebrews 12. He writes that we are to, "endure hardship as discipline." God disciplines us in the same was a father disciplines his son, notes the author. Through discipline, God shapes and molds us into what He wants us to be. It can be painful, but in the end productive. Punishment only seeks to stop a behavior. Discipline uses the sin, as a teachable moment. Consider the following example:

Suppose you give your middle school daughter permission to spend Saturday afternoon at the home of some friends from school. In the middle of the afternoon you get a phone call from the security office at a local mall. It seems that your daughter and her friends have been caught shoplifting. The girls had decided they were bored so they hitched a ride to the mall. On arrival at the mall, you learn that your daughter was only an accessory and did not actually take anything, but she was there. She is released to you with only a reprimand from the authorities. How you respond when you get home is vital if you want this to be a learning experience. Punishment would mean sending your daughter to her room and grounding her for the next four weekend. You might also add, "And don't even think about going back to the mall until you are old enough to drive yourself. Mission Accomplished: The behavior will stop... at least temporarily. Discipline requires sitting down and discussing what took place and the potential implications. Walk you daughter through the decisions that led to her being there. Talk about what she could have done differently. Help your daughter understand the possible consequences. There's a good chance the other girls are going to talk about the incident at school on Monday. What is that going to do to her reputation? What will her teachers and coaches think when they hear about it? Lastly, discuss what kinds of structure you are going to put in place to assure that it doesn't happen again. Yes, there still might be some punishment but even there you might negotiate that with them. You might be surprised to learn sometimes kids are harder on themselves than we are on them.

Discipline is an important aspect of parenting. It's playing a role in helping them become what God intended them to be.