Parenting an Emerging Adult

It's the time of year when many parents are preparing to send their children off to college.  In addition to it being a time of transition, it can also be a confusing and disconcerting.  Even if school is only an hour away, they will be entering a different world.  Life will never be the same for you or for them.  Barb and I have been down that road three times.  The image of them waving goodbye in the rearview mirror is etched in my memory.  While two of our three children went to college an hour away at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, our middle child chose Valparaiso University in Indiana. 

Fuller Youth Institute has identified those going through the period as emerging adults.  Emerging adulthood can already begin in high school and will probably continue into the mid-twenties.  The transition from high school to college only intensifies the issue.  It's a struggle for them as they vacillate between being a child and being an adult.  It's a confusing time for us as well.  Sometimes we feel like we need to check the temperature of the room before we say anything.  It be especially helpful to remember these two characteristics of emerging adults.

Identity Exploration: Emerging adults are still searching for their personal identity.  As a result they will shift in their interests and their relationships. Yes, they will probably change their major at least once as they seek to find their real passion.  They might even try a different hairstyle or style of clothes.    In their spiritual development, they might try different worship settings or denominations.  It's important to keep this in mind and not overreact.  There is a tendency to view all changes as permanent, when in many cases they are just trying something to see how it feels.


Feeling In Between: In many ways emerging adults are caught in between still being a child and being an adult.  As a result we might often feel like they are pushing us away, and then in a matter of minute moving back toward us.  Remember, while they might be on their own they still are probably financially dependent on us.  Real financial freedom is probably years away.  When it comes to holidays they will probably want to be with family, but might seem preoccupied with what's going on with their college friends while also checking in with old friends. 

While it's can be a challenging period, if we have done our job in terms of providing spiritual roots and a sense of values they are probably going to get through this stage just fine.  Remember: continue to pray for them and always extend an extra measure of grace in their direction.   Be patient: this too shall pass.

From The Moral Majority to the Missional Minority

The days of the Moral Majority are long gone.  There was a time when America was a Christian nation.  The moral majority was more than just a vocal group of evangelical leaders. For centuries our values were anchored to The Bible.  Sex outside of marriage was considered wrong.  Co-habitation before marriage was frowned on.  Same-sex marriage was not even on our moral radar.  All of the above have now become acceptable behavior.  The conservative, evangelical voices are still there, but they are mere clanging bells.

All is not lost, however.  There is a new voice: The Missional Minority.  I was not even aware of the term until this weekend when I read an article on www.churchleader.com.  The author, Trevin Wix, actually tried to put a positive spin on the value shift.  He pointed out that Christians have been in the minority in other parts of the world, like Great Brittan and much of Europe, for centuries. The world-wide trend has just caught up with us. 

Being the minority might discourage us or make us uncomfortable.  Outside of our worship communities we might stick out.  It's more than just the fact that we might wear a cross or be seen praying before meals.  The lifestyle we live and they way we run our lives should be making a statement.  Hopefully, they don't have us labeled because of our "judgmental" attitude.  It's OK to have our personal moral compass focused on The Bible, but when it comes to those whose lifestyle differ from our, we just need to love and accept them.  We need to have a relationship with them, before we can impact their lives.  We need to view them in the same way that God views us, as broken sinners.

If you are struggling with this concept consider the New Testament church.  The disciples and other followers of Jesus were a Missional Minority.  Their desire was to share the Good News of salvation.  They were also out of step with the rest of their community.  All you need to do is read the first few chapters of the Book of Acts to realize their impact.  How ironic that after centuries we find ourselves in the same position, and we don't even need to worry about being thrown to the lions or losing our heads over it.

 

A Lesson Learned from the George Zimmerman Trial

The verdict is in.  George Zimmerman was found not guilty of murder in the death of Trayvon Martin by a jury of his peers .  That is the way our justice system is designed to work.  Unfortunately, the repercussions of the verdict continue to resound throughout our land.  My mind flashes back to the turbulent 60's and the racial tensions that divided our land.  I don't know what happened that night.  All I know is that one teenager is dead and another man has lost his freedom even though he was found not guilty.

There is one aspect of this whole situation that troubles me.  I also believe it provides us with an important lesson.  The issue has nothing to do with racial profiling or gun rights.  It does have to do with learning to listen when we are told not to do something.  Let me put this into context by quoting a portion of the 911 transcript from that night;

Dispatcher: "Are you following him?

George: "Yeah."

Dispatcher: "We don't need you to do that."

George: "Okay."

George Zimmerman said, "Okay." and then did exactly the opposite.  He got out of his car and followed Trayvon even though instructed not to.  I can understand his reaction.  He had reported suspicious individuals before, only to have them drift off into oblivion before the police arrived.  And yes, there continued to be crime in his neighborhood.  The reality is, he was told "don't" and he still did.  This is the lesson we all need to learn.  We tend to focus on teenagers and young adults.   We tell them not to experiment with drugs, and they still do.  We warn them about the dangers of getting in the car with someone who is driving under the influence and they still do.  We talk to them about being honest and always telling the truth, but they still lie to our faces.  It goes on and on.  "We don't need you to do that."  They respond, "Yeah," and then do it anyway.

Where do they learn this pattern?  We are told not to text and drive, and we do it anyway.  We are warned about dangers of obesity, but do nothing to change our eating habits.  Unfortunately it often takes a tragedy to force us to make the lifestyle change.  This regrettable event cost a young man his life and I would only hope that we would all learn the lesson, "No means No."  That is a reality that we need to be passing on to the next generation and once again the best way to teach is to model ourselves.

The Reformation and Our Cultural Shift

There is no denying that fact that values have shifted.  I was reminded of that again last week when I read the results of a new survey done by the Barna Group.  For decades, they have been tracking our national stance on traditional marriage.  This report compared current public opinion with that of ten years ago in 2003.  The most recent research was done during the last two weeks in June.  For the first time, less than half of Americans (48%) view marriage as limited to the relationship between one man and one woman.  That is 4% less than the 52% in 2003.  There was a slight decline in the number of practicing Protestants who support traditional marriage, 70% as opposed to 75% in 2003.  The most shocking statistic for me was the number of practicing Catholics who support same-sex marriage.  It almost mirrors that of the general population, 50% compared to 64% in 2003.

I had a theory but I was reluctant to share it because, to be quite honest, it might offend some folks. Then over lunch after church yesterday I was shared the information with our son, Mark.  I purposely just told him about the report, not my theory.  His response mirrored my mine.  It's a result of the Reformation.  Protestants not only spend more time reading their Bibles, but they also tend to take God's Word literally.  This isn't saying that Catholic are less spiritual, only that Protestants tend to hold to more traditional views when it comes to moral and ethical issues.  Let there be no doubt that the Vatican supports traditional marriage.  It's just that the message doesn't always trickle down.  The whole point of the Reformation was to reform the church.  It began with putting the Bible into the hands of people, allowing them to read it and grow from it.  When that happens, lives are changed not because someone says they should but because "Thus says the Lord." 

I believe in traditional marriage.  I also maintain that our laws should reflect that. Granting more freedom to gays and lesbians runs counter to God's desire.  That does not mean I want them to be excluded from God's family.  Jesus died for all people, that includes me and all the baggage that I carry.  There are no degrees of sin, "for all fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).  I think that we, as descendants of the reformers, have done an OK job when it comes to preserving traditional values.  We, however, have a long way to go when it comes to practicing Grace-filled living.

Learning to Change The World

Eleven years ago I was immersed in my job as a high school counselor.  I spent my time trying to help students work through personal issues, make wise choices and to stay academically focused.  I guess I was aware that the students had changed, but I don't recall the term millennials being part of my vocabulary.  While I was aware of a societal shift, I really didn't think about the how and why.  I certainly didn't consider the long-term implications.  Fortunately, other people were.  Our son Mark and his wife, Kristen, are moving to a new apartment this weekend.  As part of the process he decided to get rid of some books.  One of them ended up in my hands, Generation 2K, What Parents and Others Need to Know about the Millennials.     Most shocking was the copyright date, 1999.  The author, Wendy Murray Zoba, was very aware of the new generation.  Wendy was an associate editor for Christianity Today and she used the resources of that publication to do some of the initial research on those born after 1980.

Other people were aware of millennials.  My wife was recently going through old papers.  One thing she came across was notes from the summer of 2002.  Our daughter, Katie, was getting ready for her freshmen year at Texas Christian University.  She and Barb had attended the orientation.  Barb's notes, "Millennials (ages 3-21): Sensory -emotional age, building relationships and believe they can make a difference."    The folks at TCU, like other college leaders across the country, realized that their student population was changing.  It was about that time that TCU changed their marketing slogan to, "Learning to Change the World," an obvious nod to a generation that "believed they can make a difference" (see my wife's notes above).

It's one thing to label millennials and even begin to attach characteristics to them as a generation, but it's a whole different issue when we realize the impact that they are having on our culture. On the negative side we can talk about the way our values have shifted on issues like same sex marriage.  On the positive side we can relate to their inclination to become involved in service to others.  I would also hope that we be disturbed over the fact that many of them have turned a cold shoulder to mainline Christianity.  When it  comes to this last issue, I would pray that we would find a need to react to it, rather than run from it.  We need to seek ways to relate to teens and young adults and try to be messengers of hope, rather than prophets of doom.  Maybe we need to take a lesson from TCU and learn to change the world.

Whistleblowers: A Throwback to the Sixties?

I am a child of the sixties.  My generation will always be known as the protest generation.  The Viet Nam War gave birth to the peace movement.  Blatant segregation brought about boycotts and protests.  We were also just starting to learn what we were doing to our environment, resulting in major changes in the way we live.  My college class, The 69ers, was known as the rebels.  I think the University still tries its best to ignore us.  We brought dancing to the campus for the first time, probably because our off-campus parties were getting out of hand.  We thumbed our nose at school policy and elected a married homecoming queen.  Later in the school years a sit-in of the office of the Dean of Students was organized. 

I thought about that as I perused last week's Time Magazine.  The cover article was on the current breed of millennial protesters.  Today they are called whistle blowers, as they bring to light the way in which our government intrudes into the private lives of citizen.  There is much debate over their actions, with some even labeling them traitors.  Indeed there probably are more parallels between millennials and baby boomers than either generation wants to acknowledge.  Both tend to be  somewhat altruistic and self-absorbed at the same time.  There is a desire to "make a difference" among today's young folks, much the same as there was for my generation.  The problem comes when things are taken too far.  Boycotting a particular store, wearing a "peace symbol, and even occupying the dean's office is one thing.  Burning down  the army recruiting office or endangering the lives of innocent people is a whole different issue. 

Before we are quick to judge the actions of today's militants, we need to reflect back on the "sins of our youth."  Their motives might be the same as ours. They see what they view as an injustice and desire to make a difference.  I suspect the enemy within us already knows they are being watched and monitored.   That in itself is a step in the right direction... but I probably shouldn't say anymore because I just never know who might be reading my blog.

Remember:It is Social Media

I was reminded twice in the last week that Facebook can be a very dangerous thing.  Don't get me wrong, I not only enjoy social media but I have found it a great way to share my ministry with others.  We do, however, need to be judicious in how we use it.  The first incident was a major news story in Dallas.  While the second incident did not make the news (it came via a friend) the impact might be more disconcerting.

April Sims was a 23 year old 911 operator for the City of Dallas.  She was on the job only a few months.  She was hired after the city had received criticism for slow response.  As a result they hired numerous new operators.  April seemed to be a great candidate since she seemed to be young, bright and enthusiastic.  She also evidently came with a strong racial bias.  That is what got her in trouble.  She posted her comments about that particular racial group and their lack of rational thinking on Facebook.  She also violated city policy by posting comments on some of her work experience.  Needless to say, her career as a 911 operator was short.  Since she was a recent hire and on probation, she could not appeal her bosses decision. 

In the second case, a father was fired because of comments his teenage daughter made about his employer.  As my friend related, the dad shared with his family some of his frustration at work and that he might be seeking a different job.  Daughter took the information and ran with it.  "I guess my dad's boss is being an a _ _.  Hope he soon finds someone who appreciates him."  You never how far the web of social media extend.  Somehow... Some way... The boss caught wind and dad was shown the door sooner than he would have liked.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no set answer to the question: When are kids old enough to use social media?  In my opinion, there are some adults who don't possess the needed level of maturity, or maybe that is common sense.    When it comes to teenagers, we need to remember that we are the parent and they are the child.  Hence their use of social media should only come with our consent.  It should be directly related to their level of maturity and their track record for making good decisions.  If our response is "no," we need to back that up with specific examples of poor choices.  Secondly: If we grant teens the right to use Facebook and other social media, we need to establish some guidelines.  Who are appropriate friends?  What picture are appropriate and what are not?  And yes, we will be checking periodically.  Last: keep it social.  If I go to a party or social gathering I will go out of my way to avoid people who I know have a political agenda.  If I want their opinion on an issue I will ask.  Otherwise, keep it to yourself.  Same thing with Facebook.  It is also not the place to make negative comments about other people. 

And yes, we do have the right to slip into the roll of consultant if we see adults, including our adult children, using social media in an inappropriate manner.  Remember: Consultants offer advice based on their experience and expertise, and they back-off. Ultimately the individual has to make the decision on how they are going to use the information.