Temper Tantrums

An article in the most recent issue of Time Magazine caught my attention. It reported on a study of 1,000 children who were evaluated from birth through age 32. The study found that those that had self control issues as youth had more health issues, less financial stability and more incidents of anti-social behavior as adults. The good news is that self control can be learned. The message is clear. Parents, teachers and school administrators need to take the lead in teaching kids self control. Every kid throws a temper tantrum at some point. It's up to the adults in their lives to send the message that it isn't acceptable, and will never lead to them getting their way. Unfortunately while teachers and school administrators can be good at this, it's parents that often cave in.

I can only remember our oldest son, Peter, having one serious temper tantrum. He was in pre-school, probably three or four, and Barb and I went to pick him up. The plan was to stop at a Walgreens and then head home for lunch. When we told our son the plan, he immediately associated Walgreen with a Toy-R-Us located in the same strip mall. "I want to go to Toys-R-Us," he announced. "We don't have time to go to Toys-R-Us," I responded. What followed was a full-scale temper tantrum. As Peter screamed and pounded the seat with his fists, I continued to explain that we did not have time for Toys-R-Us. I had to get back to the office for an appointment. One stop, home for lunch, and back to work. I think I must have drawn the "short straw" because Barb went into Walgreens and I stayed in the car with the "screaming kid." The tantrum aburptly stopped when we pulled in the drive at home. "Maybe we go to Toy-R-Us some other day," Peter proclaimed as he marched into the house.

I am sure there were other incidents after that, I just don't recall them. I do know they seldom occured once Peter entered kindergaraten. Probably because the message had been sent. You can carry on, but don't expect to always get your way.

Unfortunately the older the child, the more difficult it is to constrain the tantrum. One lesson I learned as a school counselor. If they happened at school, don't get the parents involved. In almost every case they would side with the kid and insist that you give in. The lesson had been delivered: If you carry on long enough you will get your way.

In the case of the current study, children who learned self control reported fewer problem with as adults than those who continued to be impulsive. Standing up to temper tantrums is worth the effort.

Why I Don't Like to Watch the NFL

Like many American sports fans I watched the two NFL playoff games yesterday. I don't normally watch much pro football. Part of it is the season runs concurrent with NASCAR's Chase for the Cup. Aside from baseball, I probably follow racing more than any other sport. There was a time when I closely followed pro football but two factors have turned my off. The first is living in the DFW area, and having Jerry Jones as the owner of the local franchise. You have to look far to find a more self-serving, egotistical character.

The second reason is the same fault that I have with the NBA. It's too much about glorifying self. I can't stand it when a player feels the need to celebrate themselves on the field. A defensive player makes a great tackle or sack and then celebrates their conquest. That is exactly why I like the "excessive celebration" penalty in college football. You cross the goal line, toss the ball to the referee and then celebrate with your teammates on the way to the bench. You don't dance, jive or dive into the stands. The same attitudes have turned me off to pro basketball. A player makes a spectacular slam dunk and then celebrates while his teammates run down the floor to play defense without him. I have other issues with the NBA, but I don't have enough time to go into that.

I guess the reasons I like baseball and stock car racing is the there is so little glorification of self. The few "Mannys" who do have egos are looked on more with disdain than admiration. Listen to a driver interviewed after a race, and you will hear repeated references to all the people who supported him and made the victory possible.

We are hosting the Super Bowl in North Texas this year. And yes, I am serving as a volunteer. It is not because of my desire to support The NFL, or Jerry Jones. It's because I want to be a good host. The game and the events that accompany it are great for our local economy.

Fortunately the new NASCAR season starts the following weekend. Baseball season isn't far behind. I enjoy watching those sports, but also appreciate the values they promote.

Broken Arm / Broken Mind

Last weekend's events in Tucson have again brought the issue of bizarre behavior and mental illness among young people to the surface. Having worked with teenagers for many years I can recall numerous teens whose behavior caused me concern. It would always makes me uncomfortable when I had to sit down with a parent and discuss disturbing behavior that I or their teachers had observed. Sometimes the parents were able to shed light on the issue. Other times they were grateful that someone shared their concern. In such cases I was able to recommend where to go for help. Yes, there were times when I faced denial on the part of the teens family. It was a risk, because in such cases I could face an angry mom or dad.

The reality is that teens, more than any other age group, are susceptible to mental health issue. Most schizophrenics are diagnosed during the late teen and early adult years. The developing brain leaves teens and young adults especially vulnerable to delusionary behavior and obcessive disorders. Advances in media and in video gaming can only exacerbate the issue. Unfortunately, because the changes happen over a period of time, many parents miss it, or don't recognize it until it's too late. Most mental disorders can be treated in diagnosed early.

There is a stigma attached to mental illness, and that often prevents parents from seeking help even if it's observed. The reality is, if your child is running a 105 degree fever for three or more days you will seek medical help. If your child breaks a bone, you take them to the doctor to have it treated and set. Why not the same thing when the issue invovlves an illness of the mind?

What are the warning signs? Some initial ones might include:

Changes in behavior, especially withdrawal,

Sudden mood swings,

Failure to make eye contact when speaking to you or someone else,

Fits of violence or anger.

It's a God Thing

Both of our sons, Peter and Mark, will be ordained into the pastoral ministry of the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod this coming Sunday. It's hard for me to imagine a time will I will be more proud. It will be a family affair as our daugther is singing a solo, accompanied by my wife.

Peter serves on the staff of St. Paul Lutheran Church in Fort Worth. He heads their multi-site, The Summit in Aledo. Mark recently completed his ministry as a urban missionary with LINC North Texas and now is serving as a church planter with Waters Edge Lutheran Church in Frisco, Texas.

There is much more to this story than two brothers who are going through a seminary program together. Both Peter and Mark started on careers that would have taken them in different directions. At one time or another both of them told me, "I see what your life is like and I don't think I will go into full-time ministry." God had other things in store, and in time both of them decided on a career in the ministry. I guess God does have a sense of humor, "never say never."

If there is a lesson here it's that, as parents, we need to allow our kids to pursue their dream. If they give up that dream, or head in a different direction, it needs to be their decision. At all times, turn them over to the Lord and pray that He accomplishes his plan in their lives. If they are on God's path, nothing we will do or say should interfere.

By the way, our daugther graduated with from TCU with a degree in music education, and then decided on a career in worship leadership. She now is following in her mother's shoes.

It's amazing how God works.

Relatives Will Leave, but Jesus Won't

An article that appeared in USA Today one day last week caught me eye. "Jesus takes a backseat to family." was the headline. The article reflected on a recent survey. The statement, "Christmas is a time to ..." was posed to over 2,000 folks. A higher percentage, 45% as opposed to 37%, stated spending time with family was their top priority.

Perhaps that is what I observed on December 26th. I walk for exercise, and that is what I was doing on a path near our house on the day after Christmas. It was a cool, but nice afternoon. Lots of folks were out. I greeted each one with a "Merry Christmas." From some I got a puzzled look, others responded with a smile. Very few returned the greeting. To be honest, most seemed to be pre-occupied, a few others distressed. Not much Christmas cheer, even from those who were accompanied by other people.

My guess is that most of those I met had spent Christmas Day with friends and family. A few might have even spent it in church. But did the Spirit of the Christ Child remain? It sure didn't seem so. Spending time with family is temporary. Having Christ in your life is forever. That is not the way we think or operate, however. We tend to seek those things that offer instant gratification.

Don't get me wrong. I value family time. Barb and I had our whole gang together for eight hours on Christmas Day. After everyone left I was soon craving for more. But the spirit of the Christ Child remained with me. I was reminded of that during my personal devotional time the next day, and again as I worshipped on the 2nd Day of Christmas.

Time with family is temporary, but time with Jesus is forever.

Parents, Not Teachers, to Blame for Poor Education

A brief article buried in the front section of yesterday's Dallas Morning News caught my attention. Poll: Parents to blame for school problems , the headline proclaimed. The article focused on a recent survey conducted by Stanford University. Only 35% of those surveyed faulted teachers, as opposed to 68% who believed parents deserve most of the blame. The survey was conducted in late September of this year and involved 1,001 adults nationwide who were surveyed by phone.

I am one who has always believed that the education of a child is primarily a parent's responsibility. As a Christian, I think the Bible makes it clear that is God's desire. Numerous times in the Old Testament, God reminds the Children of Israel of the need for parents to teach their children. (Deuteronomy 6:7 and Proverbs 22:6, as examples) The same theme is carried forth in the New Testament. (Ephesians 6:4 and 1 Timothy 3:4) One of my struggles during my years as a church educator was to convince parents that it was not mine or the church's primary job to provide religious training. We were there to assist them. That was a commitment they made at the time of their child's baptism.

Barb and I live in the City of Farmers Branch. As I write this our town is in the news because our mayor wants to form a seperate school district for our city. Currently most of the two-thirds of the children in our town who attend public school are in the Carrollton-Farmers Branch School District. Most to the remaining children, about a third, attend one of three large private schools within out city: Parish Episcopal School, Mary Immaculate Catholic School and Greenhill School. A small number of parents home school their children. Our mayor does not feel the CFBISD reflects our community. He also takes issue with the quality of education. If the Stanford study is correct, starting a new school district is not the answer. Getting parents involved is.

The decision on where a child goes for their education remains a parental one. The government, especially local politicians, should not interfere. Parental involvement, particularly when we're talking about religious, ethical and moral issues, is crucial. That is the way God intended it.

Kids and Cars: The Age Old Dilemma

It happened again last week. A group of Fort Worth teens were rushing to get back to their high school after an off-campus lunch break. Some witnesses said they were racing, but the drivers deny that. In reality that's not important. The unfortunate consequence is that one of the cars involved went out of control and had a horrific crash. A young man was killed. The victim was a passenger. His family described him as a good kid, who took his studies seriously. He was also a baseball player, who dreamed of playing college ball. His coach stated he had a good chance of being the starting 2nd baseman next spring.

A friend from our church was working nearby, and heard the crash. He was one of the first people on the scene: twisted metal and one young man who obviously was beyond help. It's an image that will forever be etched in his mind. We both shook our heads, "kids and cars," I stated. "But I was the same way when I was a kid," he replied. "I had my Camero. We went fast and took risks," he recalled. "Me too," I had to admit. My American Graffiti set was Eight Mile Road, in Detroit. It was a divided roadway. The suburb of East Detroit stood on one side and the City of Detroit was on the other. Races took place on the Detroit side. Known fact: The Detroit Police had bigger issues than enforcing the speed limits. The staging area was a drive-in, Dunkin' Burgers. Chevy 409's and 428 Plymouth Hemi's were both present, along with other hot cars.

Kids and cars: It's a dilemma for parents. Turning sixteen and getting your drivers license is viewed as a right-of-passage. Most parents face the prospect with mixed feelings: No more chauffeuring vs. handing the car keys to "our babies." Barb and I went through it three times. Our first "Kid car" was a 1980 Ford Granada. Our oldest son, Peter, labeled it the "Turbo Turd." It was an ugly brown with a tan roof to match. It was big, heavy and we felt our kids were safe surrounded by all the sheet metal. I don't recall any speeding tickets and only one minor fender bender.

There are a couple of things parents need to do. It obviously starts with providing proper training, followed up with some very clear rules and consequences. We also need to be observant. Who are the friends and associates of our teens that we don't feel comfortable with them riding with? As with the other teen issues, open honest communication is vital. The last step is probably equally important. Put them in a vehicle that is safe. Their image is not as important as their security.