An article in the most recent issue of Time Magazine caught my attention. It reported on a study of 1,000 children who were evaluated from birth through age 32. The study found that those that had self control issues as youth had more health issues, less financial stability and more incidents of anti-social behavior as adults. The good news is that self control can be learned. The message is clear. Parents, teachers and school administrators need to take the lead in teaching kids self control. Every kid throws a temper tantrum at some point. It's up to the adults in their lives to send the message that it isn't acceptable, and will never lead to them getting their way. Unfortunately while teachers and school administrators can be good at this, it's parents that often cave in.
I can only remember our oldest son, Peter, having one serious temper tantrum. He was in pre-school, probably three or four, and Barb and I went to pick him up. The plan was to stop at a Walgreens and then head home for lunch. When we told our son the plan, he immediately associated Walgreen with a Toy-R-Us located in the same strip mall. "I want to go to Toys-R-Us," he announced. "We don't have time to go to Toys-R-Us," I responded. What followed was a full-scale temper tantrum. As Peter screamed and pounded the seat with his fists, I continued to explain that we did not have time for Toys-R-Us. I had to get back to the office for an appointment. One stop, home for lunch, and back to work. I think I must have drawn the "short straw" because Barb went into Walgreens and I stayed in the car with the "screaming kid." The tantrum aburptly stopped when we pulled in the drive at home. "Maybe we go to Toy-R-Us some other day," Peter proclaimed as he marched into the house.
I am sure there were other incidents after that, I just don't recall them. I do know they seldom occured once Peter entered kindergaraten. Probably because the message had been sent. You can carry on, but don't expect to always get your way.
Unfortunately the older the child, the more difficult it is to constrain the tantrum. One lesson I learned as a school counselor. If they happened at school, don't get the parents involved. In almost every case they would side with the kid and insist that you give in. The lesson had been delivered: If you carry on long enough you will get your way.
In the case of the current study, children who learned self control reported fewer problem with as adults than those who continued to be impulsive. Standing up to temper tantrums is worth the effort.
...my wife and I had temper tantrums with our son Andy and what worked for us was bouncing a huge beach ball in front of him to destract him and now and then the ball would hit me in the chin and I pretended to be hurt and Andy would laugh and be totally absorbed with this ball! It
ReplyDeletechanged his tantrums into a playful time and we all loved each other and he turned out to be a very peaceful young man !!...of course when we didn't have the beach ball with us - well then we grabbed anything to improvise !!
There is also an excellent program available at www.peacefulsolution.org on Self Control and the whole series, including: Respect, Acceptance
and Character Education and Responsibility are in a certain order to develop Positive Moral Character and it truly works...we also have a prison program and have fewer prisoners that are repeat offenders !! Check it out and maybe you will be writing about how effective it has become for your more difficult problem people !!