The Pew Research Center tracks and analyses trends in society and culture. I found one item in an update from them last week very disturbing. According to a survey of 6,000 Americans, gay marriages are becoming much more socially acceptable. The study was conducted last year and then compared to statistics from 1996. In 1996 65%of those surveyed opposed gay marriage and 27% viewed it a favorable. In the most recent study 48% opposed and 42% favored same-sex unions. The moral swing becomes even more dramatic when compared to data from just one year earlier (2009). In one year there was a 5% increase in those viewing gay marriage favorably (37% to 42%).
As a Christian, I view same-sex unions as wrong. From the beginning of creation, God ordained the estate of marriage as a union between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24). When Paul was writing to the Christians in Rome, he states in the opening chapter that, "...men also abandoned natural relationships with women and were inflamed with lust for one another," (Romans 1:27). Paul traces their depraved conduct (Romans 1:28) to the fact that they had failed to retain the "knowledge of God." We need look no further than the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to see the consequence when people abandon God ordained sexual relationships. If you have doubts I would encourage you to read Genesis 19. Scary stuff!
Passing on the heritage of faith to our children is vital. When it comes to practicing that faith and the walk of discipleship, the sanctity of marriage as the union between one man and one woman is imperative.
For five years in the mid-nineties we had a lesbian couple as next door neighbors. They were very open about their relationship, and knew from early on that I did not approve. Still, I attempted to be cordial. We lent each other garden tools and helped each other out when a lightening strike damaged both of our homes. The day they moved out they made a point of coming over and thanking me for being a good neighbor.
That needs to be our attitude toward those who support or are involved in same-sex unions. Like Jesus we need to hate the sin, but love the sinner. But when it comes to our own children we need to teach them that the union between one man and one woman is the only acceptable form of marriage in God's eyes.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tiger Mom, Meet Tiger Woods
The term "Tiger Mom" has received a lot of press lately. Amy Chau introduced us to this approach to parenting in her best selling book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom. For those not familiar, Tiger Moms use a strict Chinese approach to parenting. Need an example? When Chau's young daughter presented her with a hand-made birthday card she threw it back at her because it wasn't, in her opinion, the daughter's best effort. "I deserve better than this. So I reject it." she responded. Tiger Moms always demand the best effort. Among other things not allowed under the Tiger Mom rules:
No grade lower than an A,
No participation in school plays
No sleepovers,
No TV or video games
Not playing either the piano or violin
For obvious reasons, the concept of Tiger Moms has polarized parents. Meredith Viera, the usually sunny co-host of NBC's Today Show, expressed nothing but contempt for Chau during a January interview. Many have labed Amy Chau a monster. Others have used even stronger language.
In my book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the 7 Things Parents do to Screw-Up their Kids, I address the issue of being a manager, versus being a consultant to your kids. I use the example of dressing your child. When they are infants you buy their clothes and dress them. Over time they learn to dress themselves, even gaining skill at selecting what they will wear. By the time they reach high school they might even be buying their own clothes. There comes a point when we can express our opinion, but ultimately they are going to make the choice. If we observe them making what in our opinion is a poor choice, we can communicate that, hopefully along with an explanation. Ultimately, it still their decision. Will they make mistakes? You bet, but they will learn from them.
Tiger Woods is an example of how Tiger Parenting (note the irony) can backfire. In his case it was a "Tiger Dad." Earl Woods was a demanding, military style, father. He demanded excellence. He would accept nothing but the best from his son, and in time it paid off. Tiger Woods became the most successful golfer of all time and is credited with changing the game. But Earl Woods died in 2006. At first the changes were subtle, but over time Tiger's life was out of control. Now he is more pitied than admired.
In the case of Tiger Woods, his fall was very public, but I have witnessed numerous other examples. Kids, raised in a stict environment who excelled in high school,who go off to college and fall off the "deep end." Without the ever-present supervision of a Tiger Parent, they lacked the skills to make good choices on their own, or worse yet they act out their anger over their repressive home up-bringing.
Tiger Parenting can never be a good thing.
No grade lower than an A,
No participation in school plays
No sleepovers,
No TV or video games
Not playing either the piano or violin
For obvious reasons, the concept of Tiger Moms has polarized parents. Meredith Viera, the usually sunny co-host of NBC's Today Show, expressed nothing but contempt for Chau during a January interview. Many have labed Amy Chau a monster. Others have used even stronger language.
In my book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the 7 Things Parents do to Screw-Up their Kids, I address the issue of being a manager, versus being a consultant to your kids. I use the example of dressing your child. When they are infants you buy their clothes and dress them. Over time they learn to dress themselves, even gaining skill at selecting what they will wear. By the time they reach high school they might even be buying their own clothes. There comes a point when we can express our opinion, but ultimately they are going to make the choice. If we observe them making what in our opinion is a poor choice, we can communicate that, hopefully along with an explanation. Ultimately, it still their decision. Will they make mistakes? You bet, but they will learn from them.
Tiger Woods is an example of how Tiger Parenting (note the irony) can backfire. In his case it was a "Tiger Dad." Earl Woods was a demanding, military style, father. He demanded excellence. He would accept nothing but the best from his son, and in time it paid off. Tiger Woods became the most successful golfer of all time and is credited with changing the game. But Earl Woods died in 2006. At first the changes were subtle, but over time Tiger's life was out of control. Now he is more pitied than admired.
In the case of Tiger Woods, his fall was very public, but I have witnessed numerous other examples. Kids, raised in a stict environment who excelled in high school,who go off to college and fall off the "deep end." Without the ever-present supervision of a Tiger Parent, they lacked the skills to make good choices on their own, or worse yet they act out their anger over their repressive home up-bringing.
Tiger Parenting can never be a good thing.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
She Broke Her Daddy's Achy Breaky Heart
In an interview released to the public yesterday, singer Billy Ray Cyrus is quoted as saying the Disney show "Hannah Montana" destroyed his family. His daughter Miley Cyrus became a teen idol portraying the character. Now Cyrus is saying, "I wish the show had never happened." He now believes that his daughter is spinning out of control. This comes after she celebrated her 18th birthday at a private party held in a bar. To hear the parent of a teen idol use the term "spinning out of control" immediately causes me to think of Lindsay Lohan. While Cyrus does not mention Ms. Lohan he does compare Miley's path to that taken by Anna Nicole Smith and Kurt Cobain, two celebrities whose lives came to tragic ends.
Am I surpised by this turn of events? No. Miley Cyrus has given plenty of indications that she wanted to leave the Hannah Montana character behind and move on to more adult roles. Reality is, this is a risk that any parent takes when they allow their teen to function in an adult environment. In this case, Billy Ray was a contributor since he appeared in the show. Now he also states, "He tried to hard to be a friend instead of a parent to his daughter."
Teens are not equipped to handle adult situations. When the feelings and temptations of adulthood arise, they are not capable of making wise choices. Literally, it's the way they are not wired. The pre-frontal cortex, that part of the brain where decisions are made, is still in development. That portion of the brain isn't fully functioning until the mid-twenties. Without it, there is no link between emotions and long-term memory. Teen are much more susceptible to impulsive behavior. They have feeling and emtion, and no concept in terms of what to do with them.
Parents need to keep this in mind when allowing their teens to hangout with, or even date friends who are more than a year or two older. Such behavior could put them at risk. The feelings, and yes even the passion, will increase with age. So can the temptations, and if you think your "good kid" is immune I just pray you are not mistaken. Just ask Billy Ray Cyrus. I think he is asking for a "do-over" and real life does not allow that.
Am I surpised by this turn of events? No. Miley Cyrus has given plenty of indications that she wanted to leave the Hannah Montana character behind and move on to more adult roles. Reality is, this is a risk that any parent takes when they allow their teen to function in an adult environment. In this case, Billy Ray was a contributor since he appeared in the show. Now he also states, "He tried to hard to be a friend instead of a parent to his daughter."
Teens are not equipped to handle adult situations. When the feelings and temptations of adulthood arise, they are not capable of making wise choices. Literally, it's the way they are not wired. The pre-frontal cortex, that part of the brain where decisions are made, is still in development. That portion of the brain isn't fully functioning until the mid-twenties. Without it, there is no link between emotions and long-term memory. Teen are much more susceptible to impulsive behavior. They have feeling and emtion, and no concept in terms of what to do with them.
Parents need to keep this in mind when allowing their teens to hangout with, or even date friends who are more than a year or two older. Such behavior could put them at risk. The feelings, and yes even the passion, will increase with age. So can the temptations, and if you think your "good kid" is immune I just pray you are not mistaken. Just ask Billy Ray Cyrus. I think he is asking for a "do-over" and real life does not allow that.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Commercial Catch Phrases That Annoy Me, #2
Instant gratification: It's an expression I occasionally hear, but more often it is just implied. Many advertisers have caught on to the fact that the term itself carries with it negative implications. After all, who wants to be labled self indulgent or self absorbed. So instead of the term, instant gratificaton, we hear tempting cues like "no interest or payment for six months," or "no money down." No matter how it is delivered the message is the same, you can have whatever you want right now. The latest in entertainment centers... no problem. Remodel that kitchen to include applicances with the latest in style and technology... go for it.
No work, just play. That is the message that we are sending to our children. Whatever the latest is in style or technology, you can have it to enjoy now. Why wait, and let other people get ahead of you. You don't need to work for it, just sign on the dotted line and it's yours now. You will find a way to pay for it later. The problem is, usually we don't. That is why the average family owes credit card companies thousand of dollars, and why our national debt is measured in trillions of dollars. We have mortgaged the future, so that we can have fun now.
The illusion is that this is an upward spiral leading to a better lifestyle. The reality is it downward spiral that will lead our families and our nation to destruction. If the trend is to stop, and begin to reverse itself it is our responsibility to take the first step. Each household, each family, each parent must make the conscious decision to stop the craving for instant gratification.
No work, just play. That is the message that we are sending to our children. Whatever the latest is in style or technology, you can have it to enjoy now. Why wait, and let other people get ahead of you. You don't need to work for it, just sign on the dotted line and it's yours now. You will find a way to pay for it later. The problem is, usually we don't. That is why the average family owes credit card companies thousand of dollars, and why our national debt is measured in trillions of dollars. We have mortgaged the future, so that we can have fun now.
The illusion is that this is an upward spiral leading to a better lifestyle. The reality is it downward spiral that will lead our families and our nation to destruction. If the trend is to stop, and begin to reverse itself it is our responsibility to take the first step. Each household, each family, each parent must make the conscious decision to stop the craving for instant gratification.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Commercial Catch Phrases that Annoy Me, #1
The commercial we hear or the radio, or see in magazines and on TV, say a lot about our society and it's priorities. One such phrase I repeatedly hear is, "Get what you deserve." It might be a car, "Surround yourself with the luxtury you deserve," or something as basic as a mattress, "Get the good nights sleep you deserve." In this statement, I believe we have the root cause of the problem of entitlement. Because of who I am, or where I live, I am entitled to certain things. One difficulty that I have with this concept is that in reality we are entitled to nothing. As a Christian, I truly believe that all things are a gift from God. As an American, I know the high cost that was paid to provide for my freedom.
Unfortunaterly we are raising up a generation of children who feel a sense of entitlement. We have teenagers who believe they are entitled to the newest cell phone, or other electronic gadgets. They feel they are entitled to have the latest in clothes. They are entitled to get their drivers license, as well as their own vehicle, once they turn sixteen.
I recall when one of our sons was in 6th grade. He really wanted an Apple computer. He was using an old Commodore computer, but Apple had the latest technology and that is what he used at school. I priced them but quickly determined they we could not afford one. He would not give up, and discovered that their was another brand that was comparable and ran Apple software. It was half the cost. We struck a deal. If he would earn half the money needed, we would pay the balance. It was summer and he found a couple of neighbors who needed someone to cut their lawns. It took him a couple of months, but in time he got his computer. Unfortunately he's had a certain disdain for lawn mowers since then, but that's another story.
What are we teaching our children when we provide them with so much? Are we reinforcing the concept that because of who they are and where they live they too deserve something?
Unfortunaterly we are raising up a generation of children who feel a sense of entitlement. We have teenagers who believe they are entitled to the newest cell phone, or other electronic gadgets. They feel they are entitled to have the latest in clothes. They are entitled to get their drivers license, as well as their own vehicle, once they turn sixteen.
I recall when one of our sons was in 6th grade. He really wanted an Apple computer. He was using an old Commodore computer, but Apple had the latest technology and that is what he used at school. I priced them but quickly determined they we could not afford one. He would not give up, and discovered that their was another brand that was comparable and ran Apple software. It was half the cost. We struck a deal. If he would earn half the money needed, we would pay the balance. It was summer and he found a couple of neighbors who needed someone to cut their lawns. It took him a couple of months, but in time he got his computer. Unfortunately he's had a certain disdain for lawn mowers since then, but that's another story.
What are we teaching our children when we provide them with so much? Are we reinforcing the concept that because of who they are and where they live they too deserve something?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Temper Tantrums
An article in the most recent issue of Time Magazine caught my attention. It reported on a study of 1,000 children who were evaluated from birth through age 32. The study found that those that had self control issues as youth had more health issues, less financial stability and more incidents of anti-social behavior as adults. The good news is that self control can be learned. The message is clear. Parents, teachers and school administrators need to take the lead in teaching kids self control. Every kid throws a temper tantrum at some point. It's up to the adults in their lives to send the message that it isn't acceptable, and will never lead to them getting their way. Unfortunately while teachers and school administrators can be good at this, it's parents that often cave in.
I can only remember our oldest son, Peter, having one serious temper tantrum. He was in pre-school, probably three or four, and Barb and I went to pick him up. The plan was to stop at a Walgreens and then head home for lunch. When we told our son the plan, he immediately associated Walgreen with a Toy-R-Us located in the same strip mall. "I want to go to Toys-R-Us," he announced. "We don't have time to go to Toys-R-Us," I responded. What followed was a full-scale temper tantrum. As Peter screamed and pounded the seat with his fists, I continued to explain that we did not have time for Toys-R-Us. I had to get back to the office for an appointment. One stop, home for lunch, and back to work. I think I must have drawn the "short straw" because Barb went into Walgreens and I stayed in the car with the "screaming kid." The tantrum aburptly stopped when we pulled in the drive at home. "Maybe we go to Toy-R-Us some other day," Peter proclaimed as he marched into the house.
I am sure there were other incidents after that, I just don't recall them. I do know they seldom occured once Peter entered kindergaraten. Probably because the message had been sent. You can carry on, but don't expect to always get your way.
Unfortunately the older the child, the more difficult it is to constrain the tantrum. One lesson I learned as a school counselor. If they happened at school, don't get the parents involved. In almost every case they would side with the kid and insist that you give in. The lesson had been delivered: If you carry on long enough you will get your way.
In the case of the current study, children who learned self control reported fewer problem with as adults than those who continued to be impulsive. Standing up to temper tantrums is worth the effort.
I can only remember our oldest son, Peter, having one serious temper tantrum. He was in pre-school, probably three or four, and Barb and I went to pick him up. The plan was to stop at a Walgreens and then head home for lunch. When we told our son the plan, he immediately associated Walgreen with a Toy-R-Us located in the same strip mall. "I want to go to Toys-R-Us," he announced. "We don't have time to go to Toys-R-Us," I responded. What followed was a full-scale temper tantrum. As Peter screamed and pounded the seat with his fists, I continued to explain that we did not have time for Toys-R-Us. I had to get back to the office for an appointment. One stop, home for lunch, and back to work. I think I must have drawn the "short straw" because Barb went into Walgreens and I stayed in the car with the "screaming kid." The tantrum aburptly stopped when we pulled in the drive at home. "Maybe we go to Toy-R-Us some other day," Peter proclaimed as he marched into the house.
I am sure there were other incidents after that, I just don't recall them. I do know they seldom occured once Peter entered kindergaraten. Probably because the message had been sent. You can carry on, but don't expect to always get your way.
Unfortunately the older the child, the more difficult it is to constrain the tantrum. One lesson I learned as a school counselor. If they happened at school, don't get the parents involved. In almost every case they would side with the kid and insist that you give in. The lesson had been delivered: If you carry on long enough you will get your way.
In the case of the current study, children who learned self control reported fewer problem with as adults than those who continued to be impulsive. Standing up to temper tantrums is worth the effort.
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