Is Setting Boundaries Worth the Hassle?

"It's just not worth the hassle, anymore," a parent recently commented to me. They were talking about an attempt to set dating boundaries for their daughter, a high school sophmore.

Yes, setting down rules can be a hassle, but it's very much worth the effort. While there might be resistance, most teens really inwardly appreciate having boundaries. It helps them know what they can do without getting in trouble. It also gives them an out when pressured by peers. Yes, "My parents don't allow me to go there." does work. Teens also realize that boundaries help them develop self discipline. Boundaries are another way of letting them know you care.

Some recent studies prove that boundaries make a huge difference. An article published recently in the journal for the American Academy for Pediatrics, provided some examples:

Teens who had a set bed time of 10:00 PM not only got more sleep but were less likely to get depressed or consider suicide.

Teen drivers whose parents set and enforced rules were less likely to get speeding tickets, drink and drive or use their cell phones behind the wheel.

Parents who put restriction on the amount of time their teens spent on the internet or playing video games saw their students grades improve.

The challenge is for parents to communicate any boundaries in a caring, rather than a controlling, manner. Some tips:

> Any rules deserve an explanation.

> Consequences should be appropriate and clearly defined.

> Keep the lines of communication open. Be willing to discuss any rules.

> Let your teens know that you are monitoring their behavior.

> Make sure you live by the same rules. Yes, that mean no speeding tickets and not using your cell phone while driving as well.

Teen Suicide

I spent Wednesday night with a group of parents at University Baptist Church in Fort Worth. A member of their youth group had taken his life on Monday morning. Knowing my background as a school counselor and youth advocate, my friend had asked me to help the parents process what had taken place. A team of trained grief counselors from the Fort Worth ISD were meeting with the teens at the same time. Many of those present had a personal relationship with Nathan, the young man. One mom reported that she and her daughter had given Nathan a ride home from a youth event on Sunday night. It was hard to comprehend how the happy young man they had known could just twelve hours later kill himself.

Teen suicide is not a new issue. I was serving a church in Cape Girardeau, Missouri in the early seventies. We experienced three teen suicides in a short period of time. The community responded by establishing a crisis phone line. I had the privilege of serving on the initial board. During my tenure at Lutheran High Dallas, suicide was an ongoing concern. I was involved in numerous interventions and fortunately never had a student take their own life.

I don't think we will ever truly understand the "why" behind teen suicide. I do know that lack of a pre-frontal cortex in the teenage brain, can result in teens often acting in irrational ways. Think about the numbers times you have mentally asked, "What were they thinking?" We also know from experience that teens can ride an emotional rollercoaster, being silly one minute and in tears the next. If there is one comfort it comes from know we have a Savior who undestands, even when we don't.

As a parent, the thought of losing a child or grand child goes beyond my comprehension. The question is, how can I prevent my child from taking their own life?

It starts with creating an atmosphere of openness when it comes to sharing emotions. When we talk about our fears and feelings, we give our teens permission to talk about theirs. That especially comes to the feeling of love. We can never express it enough. Because of their nature we can't always expect our teens to recipricate. Getting teens to open up about what they are feeling prevents them from internalizing them.

Secondly, keep your radar on when it comes to detecting changes in routine or friendships. Some of those could be natural transitions but any change becomes a stress point. Don't hesitate to ask questions.

Finally, make sure your teen has a support system. They need to be surrounded by adults who not only care about them but share your value system. In times of crisis, such individual might be the ones your teens turn to.

We can never totally eliminate teen sucides but we can build in safe guards to lessen the risk with our kids.

Super Opportunity

One year when our daughter Katie was in high school she asked if she could host a Super Bowl party for some of her friends. We said OK: our philosophy always was if we had the kids at our house we knew what was going on. In this case the guests were all female and my wife planned the food accordingly. I arranged my agenda so as to avoid the family room.

The volume coming from that area of the house caused me to wonder how the girls could focus the game. When I peeked in I discovered they weren't. They were playing board games, laughing and talking. It was apparent they didn't have any idea what was happening in the game. I went back to my reading, with the game playing in the background when I suddenly became aware that the girls had become silent. Curious that perhaps a player had been seriously injured, I went to check on the girls. They were focused on the TV... watching the commercials. They had no interest at all in the game and probably didn't even know the score. They just wanted to watch the ads.

I must admit that when I it comes to the NFL, I am a casual observer. I am a NASCAR fan and the racing season conflicts with football. I also have a disdain for a certain owner of the local NFL team. I must admit that I do start watching once the playoffs start, mainly because you have to know what the local heroes have done, or could have done, to carry on a conversation with most people. Yes, I will watch the Super Bowl, but then so will most Americans.

If your family is going to sit down and watch the game together, why not seize the opportunity to discuss the commercials. You might even use a numeric judging system. "I would rate that one a 6.5 on a ten point scale." The commericals also could open the door for you to talk about the messages the commericals are sending. You might end up discussing values and the impact that the media has on our culture.

Tim Tebow gives us another issue to discuss. Focus on the Family has purchased commercial time to air a thirty-second spot featuring the Florida State Quarterback and his mom. The commercial delivers a very blatant pro-life message. It also has created quite a controversy. This morning's USA Today sport section features a pair of editorials presenting both sides of the issue. What an opportunity to discuss the issue with your teen!

Your Teen's Role Models

The Grammy Awards were on TV last night. There was a time when I enjoyed watching the Grammy Awards. Last night I tried to avoid it. I found a good book and sat by the fire. Sometime over the last decade contemporary music left me behind. My interest in The Grammy Awards waned when Rap was given it's own category.

I hear people talk about the lifestyles of the current rich and famous. The images I see of Lady Gaga are disturbing. I don't know much about her but I am not sure I would want my daughter seeing her as a role model. I understand Stevie Nicks sang a duet with Taylor Swift. Stevie was part of Fleetwood Mac, a group I still enjoy listening to but I have never considered them role models. I guess the every generation has it's share of negative role models, as well as a few of those who are positive.

I believe it's essential that parents pay attention to who their kids view as role models. Take time to talk about what they saying and doing. Help them process what they are seeing and hearing. Ask questions such as: How do you feel about what they said? or "What do you think about what they are wearing?" When it comes to music, check out the lyrics and discuss with your teen the message a song is sending. Instead of complaining about the culture your teen lives in, become familiar with it. You can't ignore it because it's a reality.