Relatives Will Leave, but Jesus Won't

An article that appeared in USA Today one day last week caught me eye. "Jesus takes a backseat to family." was the headline. The article reflected on a recent survey. The statement, "Christmas is a time to ..." was posed to over 2,000 folks. A higher percentage, 45% as opposed to 37%, stated spending time with family was their top priority.

Perhaps that is what I observed on December 26th. I walk for exercise, and that is what I was doing on a path near our house on the day after Christmas. It was a cool, but nice afternoon. Lots of folks were out. I greeted each one with a "Merry Christmas." From some I got a puzzled look, others responded with a smile. Very few returned the greeting. To be honest, most seemed to be pre-occupied, a few others distressed. Not much Christmas cheer, even from those who were accompanied by other people.

My guess is that most of those I met had spent Christmas Day with friends and family. A few might have even spent it in church. But did the Spirit of the Christ Child remain? It sure didn't seem so. Spending time with family is temporary. Having Christ in your life is forever. That is not the way we think or operate, however. We tend to seek those things that offer instant gratification.

Don't get me wrong. I value family time. Barb and I had our whole gang together for eight hours on Christmas Day. After everyone left I was soon craving for more. But the spirit of the Christ Child remained with me. I was reminded of that during my personal devotional time the next day, and again as I worshipped on the 2nd Day of Christmas.

Time with family is temporary, but time with Jesus is forever.

Parents, Not Teachers, to Blame for Poor Education

A brief article buried in the front section of yesterday's Dallas Morning News caught my attention. Poll: Parents to blame for school problems , the headline proclaimed. The article focused on a recent survey conducted by Stanford University. Only 35% of those surveyed faulted teachers, as opposed to 68% who believed parents deserve most of the blame. The survey was conducted in late September of this year and involved 1,001 adults nationwide who were surveyed by phone.

I am one who has always believed that the education of a child is primarily a parent's responsibility. As a Christian, I think the Bible makes it clear that is God's desire. Numerous times in the Old Testament, God reminds the Children of Israel of the need for parents to teach their children. (Deuteronomy 6:7 and Proverbs 22:6, as examples) The same theme is carried forth in the New Testament. (Ephesians 6:4 and 1 Timothy 3:4) One of my struggles during my years as a church educator was to convince parents that it was not mine or the church's primary job to provide religious training. We were there to assist them. That was a commitment they made at the time of their child's baptism.

Barb and I live in the City of Farmers Branch. As I write this our town is in the news because our mayor wants to form a seperate school district for our city. Currently most of the two-thirds of the children in our town who attend public school are in the Carrollton-Farmers Branch School District. Most to the remaining children, about a third, attend one of three large private schools within out city: Parish Episcopal School, Mary Immaculate Catholic School and Greenhill School. A small number of parents home school their children. Our mayor does not feel the CFBISD reflects our community. He also takes issue with the quality of education. If the Stanford study is correct, starting a new school district is not the answer. Getting parents involved is.

The decision on where a child goes for their education remains a parental one. The government, especially local politicians, should not interfere. Parental involvement, particularly when we're talking about religious, ethical and moral issues, is crucial. That is the way God intended it.

Kids and Cars: The Age Old Dilemma

It happened again last week. A group of Fort Worth teens were rushing to get back to their high school after an off-campus lunch break. Some witnesses said they were racing, but the drivers deny that. In reality that's not important. The unfortunate consequence is that one of the cars involved went out of control and had a horrific crash. A young man was killed. The victim was a passenger. His family described him as a good kid, who took his studies seriously. He was also a baseball player, who dreamed of playing college ball. His coach stated he had a good chance of being the starting 2nd baseman next spring.

A friend from our church was working nearby, and heard the crash. He was one of the first people on the scene: twisted metal and one young man who obviously was beyond help. It's an image that will forever be etched in his mind. We both shook our heads, "kids and cars," I stated. "But I was the same way when I was a kid," he replied. "I had my Camero. We went fast and took risks," he recalled. "Me too," I had to admit. My American Graffiti set was Eight Mile Road, in Detroit. It was a divided roadway. The suburb of East Detroit stood on one side and the City of Detroit was on the other. Races took place on the Detroit side. Known fact: The Detroit Police had bigger issues than enforcing the speed limits. The staging area was a drive-in, Dunkin' Burgers. Chevy 409's and 428 Plymouth Hemi's were both present, along with other hot cars.

Kids and cars: It's a dilemma for parents. Turning sixteen and getting your drivers license is viewed as a right-of-passage. Most parents face the prospect with mixed feelings: No more chauffeuring vs. handing the car keys to "our babies." Barb and I went through it three times. Our first "Kid car" was a 1980 Ford Granada. Our oldest son, Peter, labeled it the "Turbo Turd." It was an ugly brown with a tan roof to match. It was big, heavy and we felt our kids were safe surrounded by all the sheet metal. I don't recall any speeding tickets and only one minor fender bender.

There are a couple of things parents need to do. It obviously starts with providing proper training, followed up with some very clear rules and consequences. We also need to be observant. Who are the friends and associates of our teens that we don't feel comfortable with them riding with? As with the other teen issues, open honest communication is vital. The last step is probably equally important. Put them in a vehicle that is safe. Their image is not as important as their security.

Reflecting on Crisis

The most recent edition of Time Magazine arrived in my mailbox on Saturday emblazoned with the headline, What Really Happened 2000 - 2010. The time-frame issue offered reflection pieces on the major events that happened during the decade that will end December 31. It made for great reading, and I would highly recommend it. This current decade has been a time of tremendous change, consider the technological advances, just for starters. The way we view elections was altered due to the "Chad Debate" in 2000. Our country will forever be different because of the events of 9/11. We have endured contant war as we tried to fight terrorism in Iraq and then Afganistan. One of our countries most historic and iconic cities was almost totally destroyed by Hurricane Katrina and we have all been effected by the unstable economy. As a nation we have been in almost constant crisis.

Crisis are a reality. As a write this I have friends who are dealing with the ultimate crisis: the immenent death of a family member. Barbara Brunworth had a serious heart attack last Wednesday night. She has never regained consciousness. Test show serious brain damage. Her family faces the tough decision to take her off life support. Her husband, Jerry, was headmaster during most of my years at Lutheran High. Jerry was much more than a boss. When my wife, Barbara, went through cancer surgery it was Jerry Brunworth who sat with me and prayed. Barbara Brunworth's daughter, Liz, and her husband, Brad, were colleagues during my tenure at LHS. We remain close friends. As families, our lives have been connected in so many ways. I spent time with them on Friday. Despite the situation, they were confident and rational. There faith and hope in Christ were obvious. I know they will grieve, but ultimately they will be ok, because Barbara's eternal life is secure.

In John 16:33 Jesus tell us, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world." Crisis are a reality in this world. We are just the blink of an eye away from a tragedy. I still maintain, the strongest witness we can give as Christians is the way that we react to those crisis. In all things we must be people of hope. Now, before those difficult times strike, is the time to get yourself and your family prepared. The way to do that is to be in God's Word and to surround yourself with a community of faith. It's not a question of if, but rather when that tragedy is going to happen. Celebrate the present, but arm yourself for the future.

Why Marriage? Because God Ordained It.

The cover of the current Time Magazine caught my attention the second I removed it from the mailbox. "Who Needs Marriage?," the editors of the popular news magazine asked. As someone who has been married to the same woman for over forty-one years, I was intrigued. I discovered the feature article focuses on a Time/Pew Research Center poll that relects our nation's ideas, expectations and realities of contemporary marriage. One obvious conclusion is, "We're more flexible about how the family is defined." The number of single parents, and unmarried couples raising children are proof of that.

A more defining issue for me is the way we view marriage. Consider the comments from Andrew Cherlin, sociologist at Johns Hopkins University: "Getting married is a way to show family and friends that you have a successful personal life." The Time article uses the engagement of Prince William, and recent marriage of Chelsea Clinton as examples, of couples who relect that. It's a reality that educated individuals are waiting longer to marry. Having an established career and being financial stable are viewed as being important. Those with only a high school education or less are much more likely to not view marriage as a prerequisite to starting a family.

It was an unrelated letter to the editor that appeared in the same issue that I feel identifies the root problem when it comes to marriage and other social issues. The letter was a reaction to an interview with physicist Stephen Hawking in which he made the statement that, "physics does not allow for the existence of God." "As I see it, the only handicap Hawking has is his ability to recognize a personal God who created the universe." note the author of the letter. The common factor is God's Word. It's the Bible that credits God as the creator of all things and as the one who ordained the union between male and female. Marriage, as defined by scripture, has two purposes: Companionship, "It is not good for a man to be along," )Genesis 2:18) and Procreation: "Be fruitful and mulitiply."(Genesis 1:22).

If the institution of marriage is to survive as God intended, it is our responsibility to defend and promote it as such. Our children need to be taught that marriage is part of God's plan. We need to remind those around us that God's plan for marriage is that it be the union of one male and one female. The only way that happens is if our kids are in God's Word, and that they see the same in us.

Paying for What Should Come Naturally

A commercial that started playing on one of the radio stations I listen to last week caught my attention. It is for a service that parents can use to monitor their teens social networks activity. The radio spot features a mom who found out her son was depressed and considering taking his own life via the service. As the commercial begins an announcer informs the listener that it is based on a real life experience. My immediate response was that while this is a great service, why would a parent who is doing their job need it?

I could have provided them with plenty of real life experiences. During my years of working with teens I often found myself sitting down with parents to discuss information I had obtained about their teen. Sometimes it involved thoughts of suicide, other times it was evidence of their involvement in drugs or alcohol. Most of the time their reaction fell into one of two groups: Shock - "They are what?", or Denial - "No way, not my child. Both responses led me to believe they probably were clueless.

Here is a word of advice: As the parent of a contemporary teen nothing should surprise or shock you. Most teens, even good kids, will make some poor choices along the line. Even if they make good choices, they will be exposed to other kids who don't. As a result, we need to constantly monitor their behavior and be involved in their lives. That means having regular one-on-one time with them, and taking our turn in hosting them and their friends in our home. It also means monitoring their social network activity. Become part of their Facebook community and on a regular basis check their cell phone. Watch for those changes in behavior that indicate something is up.

The other step parents should be taking is to surround their teens with a support system of significant adults. Those individuals should share your value system. Coaches, church youth counselors and other adults who work with your teens all can provide another set of eyes and ears. Get to know them and make them aware that you appreciate them and value their concern for your child. In doing so, you are initiating a relationship that allows them to approach you should a concern arise.

Again, why waste money on something you should naturally be doing yourself.

Kids and Caffeine

I passed by a local Starbucks one evening last week and noticed the teenagers present far outnumbered the adults. At first glance I thought it was pretty cool. Afterall, they were clustered in small groups and seemed to be working on school work together. But as I considered it further something bothered me. They all were drinking caffeinated drinks. Those of you who know me are probably thinking, "Physician heal thyself." I will admit that if you catch me before noon you will probably observe me with a cup of coffee in hand. No caffeine after noon, however. I know what it does to me sleep pattern.

That is my concern for today's teens who seem to have a predilection toward coffee and energy drinks. From my perspective, this is due in no small part to sleep deprivation. The average teenagers get about two hours less sleep a day than their body requires. Experts state that teens, because they are still growing and developing, need about nine and a half hour sleep a night. Studies tell us the average teen gets only about seven and a half hours sleep.

Sleep deprivation is a huge problem. We hear alot about teens drinking alcohol and then driving, but little about the acidents caused by drowsy driving. The reality is lack of sleep not only effects teens ability to drive, but also classroom performance. If you are around teens much you can probably guess another consequence, irritability.

As a parent you might consider helping your teen to discover ways to organize their life better so they get more sleep and rely less on caffeine to keep them going.

Why I Like the Texas Rangers

I am a baseball fan. I grew up in Detroit watching the Tigers. They are still my home team, but I followed The Cubs during my days in Chicago and now I enjoy watching the Rangers play. I guess I am drawn to baseball because it's a family game. You can enjoy quality time together, actually carry on a conversation. You can't do that at a basketball or football game. The action is too intense, unless it's half-time. Baseball also has more traditions than do any other sports.

I must confess the current Rangers have me hooked, and it's not because they are going to the World Series. They might be the ultimate "feel good" story. They also are an example of unconditional love.

Most people are familar with Josh Hamilton's story. If you aren't, read his book. In short he was the #1 Draft Choice who was signed for millions. He ended up injured and during that time he fell in with the wrong crowd. As a result he became a drug addict. He did hit bottom, but God rescued him (Josh's words) and he turned his life around. He found his way to the Rangers and now is their MVP. He did fall off the wagon once in spring, 2009. At the press conference where he shared the story of his relapse, he happened to see several of his team-mates standing in the back. At first he was scared, thinking they had lost trust in him, but then he realized from their expressions that they were there to support him. They, like all of us, had made mistakes too. Forgiveness was a given.

Ron Washington, the manager, has is own story to tell. Ron is from New Orleans. He grew up a tough kid. New Orleans tends to do that to you. His home was destroyed by Katrina, but he is slowly rebuilding it in the off-season. Before this season started Ron confessed that he had tested positive for cocaine during last season. This time it was Team President, Nolan Ryan, and General Manager, Jon Daniels, who had dispensed the forgiveness. That's quite a statement. In a day when the press is quick to condemn and call a person's head, the team leadership gave Washington a second chance. So did his players, who to the man, stood up with Washington as he shared his story.

The Rangers are a team that cover each other's backs. They love and support each other in a way few teams do. Not a bad example for a family. Unconditional love allows you to play the game fearlessly, knowing you will be forgiven for mistakes.

Teens and Alcohol: Where are The Parent?

An article on the front page of Sunday's Dallas Morning News caught my eye. The piece was titled,"Battling Underage Drinking gets an Older Look." A follow-up article on Monday also dealt with the issue of parents, and other adults, facilitating or ignoring teen drinking. Alcohol, much more so than drugs, was an issue during my years as a high school counselor. The athletic department had an in-season zero tolerance policy. Out of season it meant a four game suspension, minimum, even if you were just in the presence of. We also intervened when we became aware of incidents involving other members of the student body. As a private school we probably had more leverage and parental support than do public institutions. Many parents also signed a pledge that there would be no alcohol present if they hosted teens in their home. Those safe home were duly noted in the school directory.

As I have shared in the past, I made some poor choices during my high school years. I wasn't a bad kid, just one who let my peers make decisions for me. The one thing I did not do during those years was consume alcohol. There was a reason. My parents would have known almost immediately. At least one of them was up to greet me when I came home. It's hard to slip by mom and dad when you are tipsy, or even smell of alcohol.

Just an observation, but I suspect many parents are not as present in their kids lives today. I am sure there are still some families where the parents leave on the light for their kids, and even wait for them to walk in. But I am afraid there are too many more parents who are too caught up in their own self-absorbed lifestyle to even care about what their kids are doing and who they are with.

My parents had three rules. We need to know where you are. We need to know who you are with. We need to know what you are doing. They also required me to check in via phone. That was no easy task in the days before cell phones. Those are still great rules.

It doesn't hurt to wait up for them occasionally too. Even if you come in after them, check on them. You can usually tell when you open the door to a room where someone is resting, if that person is sleeping off a drunk.

Unfortunately we live in a society where we can't depend on other adults to watch out for our kids. That is still formost our responsibility.

The Right to Monitor

I drive the speed limit. Sixty means sixty. Thiry is thirty. You get the picture. It always amazes me the number of people I observed driving over the legal limit. Sunday morning is the exception. My wife and I drive to church on Interstate 635. Most people who drive that route on weekend know the police are out on Sundays, so they drive the speed limit. It's interesting to watch those who are speeding. They breeze past and pretty soon the brake lights come on. Why? They see a policeman beside the road with a radar gun. Sometimes they avoid a ticket, other times they get nabbed by the law.

There is a reason fewer people are driving over the speed limit on weekends. It's the threat of getting busted. For speeders: the presence of a police car is a great deterent.

I think there is a lesson here for the parent of teenagers. Cell phone and internet issues are a major complaint these days. We worry about what they are saying to each other. We are concerned about sexting and bullying.

Simple solution, tell them you will ask for their phone from time to time to check it. Like the police at the side of the road, the threat of presence will keep them in line. If they complain, remind them whose phone it is... hint if your name is on the bill it's your phone.

Even if you trust your kids, it's not a bad idea to check that phone every so often. The first couple of times you might even warn them. "Just a heads up, but I plan on checking your cell phone tomorrow." In doing so, you've given them the opportunity to eliminate anything personal, but you've also conveyed you are not afraid to do it. Let them know, "Next time I might not warn you," to keep them on their toes.

Let them know too, that you, like the police, are just concerned about their safety. It has nothing to do with trusting them. When you send them out the door each morning you are already doing that.

Raising Our Kids to Let Them Go

Barb and I had the honor of attending a farewell celebration for our son, Mark, on Sunday. Mark has concluded his ministry with LINC North Texas. For the last seven years he has been an urban missionary. He has worked out of New Hope Community Church in East Dallas. I think even Mark was surprised at the number of community people who attended. A couple of the kids who were part of the after school program spoke of how Mark had impacted their lives. Mark has accepted a new position as a church planter with Waters Edge Lutheran Church in Frisco. He and our other son, Peter, will both be ordained in January, 2011.

It's easy to be proud of all three of our kids. Our daughter, Katie, is also in full-time ministry as a worship director, but both my wife and I acknowledge that it is more a gift from God than anything we have done. One thing we agree on is that we've raised our kids to let them go. We've sent all three of them off to college and given them the opportunity to pursue their dreams.

In the case of Mark we can point to two specific turning points in his life. In both it involved putting him in God's hands. Mark wanted to study in Europe in the second semester of his sophmore year. He was scheduled to leave in January, 2002, just months after 9/11. We took a deep breath and let him go. Many prayers of thanks were lifted up when he was finally back on US soil. Those four months changed Mark. It was during that time that he learned to communicate with, and appreciate, different culture. It was great preparation for urban ministry. The second leap-of-faith was supporting his decision to move in the building at New Hope. There was no apartment. He moved a bed into the church library, but in relocating in that community he proved his commitment to the people. Yes, it was scary. In those days crime was rampant in that area of east Dallas. There were break-ins and there was vandalism, but Mark stayed for a year. By that time he had established his root in that community. He built a ministry on those relationships.

My message to all parents is to love your kids while you have them, but ultimately you have to raise them to let them go. That means giving them the freedom to try and to fail. It also requires placing them in God's hands.

It's Testing Season Again

The month of October marks the first full month of fall and the beginning of the baseball playoffs. October also brings the beginning of the college testing season. The first date for the SAT Reasoning Test (Formerly known as the Scholastic Apptitude Test) is October 9 and the ACT, American College Test follows a couple of weeks later. Each test is offered multiple times and various sights, always on Saturdays.

I am familar with the test and the testing process, having spent time as a high school counselor. I must admit I had a certain amount of disdain when it came to the test because I saw the pressure it put on certain students. In reality, the standardized college addmission tests are a necessity. They give colleges and universities a way to evaluate all students. Fortunately, most schools have also learned that doing well on a standardized test does not guarantee a student will be successful in college. For that reason schools look at a variety of factors: High school courses taken and the grades achieved, extracurricular activities, letters of recommendation, potential for leadership and the entrance essay.

If the SAT and ACT are a reality, what can parents be doing to help their students do well and succeed?

1. Encourage your teen to take the test early in the cycle. If they don't get the score they desire they can take the test again. Most school will always take the higher score.

2. Encourage them to take both. The SAT and ACT are very different. One is a reasoning test, the other is an apptitude test.

3. Don't add pressure by telling them you are counting on them scoring high enough to get into a particular school, even if it is your alma mater. There are lots of great schools out there and even communiy college is a great option for many students.

4. Make sure they are prepared. Teens need to be well rested and in a good frame of mind when then enter the testing facility.

5. Realize the college is not for everyone. Some students are better suited for trade schools or the military. Others might move right into the job market and do quite well.

6. Be a consultant and not a manager. You can offer advice on the college admissions process, but ultimately it's their decision and their life.

Why Do Older Teens Shun the Church Youth Group?

My background is church youth ministry. I spent twenty-five years ministering to kids and their families at four different churches. I still stay in touch with youth ministry folks. Youth ministry has changed a lot over the years. Telephone trees have given way to texting and on-line chats. DVD's shown on big screens have replaced the old 16 mm projectors. Yes, I really did have a class in college where they taught us how to properly thread a projector and maintain a record turntable.

While the ministry is very different, one problem has remained. I still hear my young colleagues complain about the fall-off in participation among olders teens. "We spend two years training leaders only to have us desert us when we need them," one area DCE complained.

The assumption has always been that when teens turn sixteen and begin to drive they have more freedom. The freedom allows more options and often church youth group moves down the list of priorities. We have also blamed the increased academic and athletic demands as a possible cause.

I would like to focus on the issue to needs. High school juniors and seniors have very different needs than younger teens. During the last two years of high school teens begin to focus on the future. They begin to make plans on college and career. Many pick-up part-time jobs in order to not to just gain extra cash but work experience. They also are entering a new stage in their faith development. Young teens still have a synthetic faith, clinging to the beliefs they learned in Sunday school and confirmation class. Older teens are moving into a time of individual - reflective faith. They are molding and shaping their beliefs into a relationship with God that is more personal.

Parents, pastors and youth ministry professionals need to be aware of these changing needs and adjust their expectations and

To Burn or Not burn the Quran?

I was saddened, but not surprised, that the media focused on Florida pastor, Terry Jones, last week. In case you missed it, he is the man who threatened to burn copies of the Quran on the anniversary of 9/11.

As I have previously shared, I learned a lot about tolerance from my dad. The reason my parents were able to live in the same neighborhood in Detroit for over forty years was because my dad built bridges and not walls. Dad tried to be friends with all people. He greeted everyone with a "Hi" and was willing to talk to anyone about anything. He didn't talk about it much, but I know his motivation was to treat people like Jesus would. Jesus loved people where they were at and gently guided them to where he wanted them to be. The only thing that Jesus could not tolerate was hypocrisy. I don't see that in Muslims, Hindus or any other of the world's religions.

Don't get me wrong. I still believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that he died for my sins and those of the whole world. He is the only hope for the world. He is Our Savior.

I work part-time for a hospital chaplancy service. As I make my round I encounter individuals of all different faiths. What I have discovered is that when someone tells me that they are a Jew, Muslim or Hindu, they expect me to turn my back and flee. Instead, I listen. I asked them about their faith and source of hope. Sometimes they ask about my faith, but most times they don't. Either way, I am conveying love. In some small way I am building a bridge, rather than a wall.

I grieve the fact that most of the world hates us. When I see people burn the American Flag it troubles me. I can, however, understand why. We don't practice our faith. When we hate, or show no respect for those whose belief system is different than our, we are building walls, not bridges.

As parents, we are in an important position. When we model our faith through our tolerance, we are encouraging our kids to do the same. Maybe we can be people of hope.

If Teens Have Weak a Faith, Who is to Fault?

Last week a CNN report caught my attention, along with that of many youth ministry professionals. The report focused on the research on teens and their faith by Kenda Creasy Dean. Dean is minister and also a professor of theology at Princeton University. For her study she interview over three thousand teens. Her conclusion was that many teens have faith that is only a facade. Their faith, according to Dean, is mutant Christianity. It is the product of a church whose primary goal is to boost people's self esteem, the author concludes.

This is not a new problem. Mainline Christianity has been in decline for years. One of the first people of catch my attention was John Westerhoff in his book, Will Our Children Have Faith. Westerhoff challenged the church to find ways to pass on the heritage of faith from one generation to the next. Thirty years later most mainline churches fall into two groups: 1) Those that want to preserve tradition and protect the faith. They live in the past. 2) Those that seek to stroke the egos of self serving adults. They live in the present. Neither meets the needs of contemporary teenagers.

I attend a church that I think offers hope, as well as a model. This struck me again yesterday as I sat in the middle of our activity center, following the education hour. Over twelve volunteer teachers had just completed their assignments. Twenty or more adults, of all ages, stood around talking with the teens. You will find a similar environment on Tuesday nights during Teen Community Bible Study. Again, there are lots of adults to volunteer their time. What is happening in a very intentional, but yet informal way, is adults are sharing their faith and their stories. The focus is on the future and meeting the spiritual needs of the next generation.

That is how faith traditions are maintained. We all have faith stories to tell. Those stories need to be shared with youth. In doing so we encourage them to write their own stories. In the process we are providing them waith a glimpse of what is to come.

Christianity needs to be less about me and my needs and more about sharing the faith with others.

Passing on the Heritage

I spent yesterday in Fort Worth watching my youngest grandson, Jonathan. His two older brothers have already started the school year, but his pre-school doesn't start until next week. My son and his wife both had to work, so I was honored to babysit. We will be back over there on Saturday to celebrate Jonathan's third birthday, and then stay to watch the TCU game on ESPN - Go Frogs. Barb and I are blessed because all of our kids still live in the DFW area. We gather regularly for family celebrations. We attend Texas Ranger baseball and TCU football games together. I have season tickets at Texas Motor Speedway for the purpose of sharing my NASCAR passion with my grandsons.

I grew up on the eastside of Detroit in a neighborhood where my grandparents and aunts and uncles all lived within walking distance. We moved to Texas twenty-two years ago and in the process moved a thousand miles away from my family. Grandparents were voices on the phone and aunts and uncles were the people we saw at family reunions. No regrets... it can be a reality in our mobile society.

Extended family play an important role when it comes to passing on family heritage. I recall the one Christmas when we were home visiting family. Katie was in middle school and had a class assignment to interview someone who had experienced history. We suggested my grandmother, who at that point was approaching a century of life's experiences. One question Katie asked was, "What was the most important invention during your life time?" She expected to hear television or maybe the telephone, but grandma's response was, "Electricity." What followed were stories about what life was like when people depended on oil lamps, and food was kept chilled in a real icebox. Katie came away with a different perspective that she still reflects on.

It's important that all children have the opportunity to interact with those of previous generations. Not every family is fortunate enough to grandparents within convenient driving distance. That is where church family and neighbors can play an important role. We all have stories to tell. Many of those stories involve life experiences, but others are lessons in faith and discipleship. It's vital that our kids stay grounded by hearing those stories.

Community Service vs. Grounding

Sixteen year old Kirstin Rausch of Southlake, Texas made the news last week. Actually she made it twice. The first time was in a paid newspaper ad placed by her parents, announcing thirty hours of free babysitting. The second time was the rest of the story. It seems the Kirstin had violated the family curfew. Her parents response was to require her to do thirty hours of community service.



Kirstin is not your typical delinquent. To begin with she's a member of her school's National Honor Society. Her school, by the way, is Southlake Carroll High School which is annually rated one of the top schools in the State of Texas, if not in the whole country. Friends and neighbors describe her as smart, friendly and mature for her age. Kirstin's offense did not involve being out on the street after hours. Rather, she had friends over after her parents had gone to bed. There was no mention of alcohol or drugs, rather it appears this was kids celebrating the rights of summer.



Rather than grounding her, or punish her in some other way, Kirstin's parents required her to do community service. If there was one troubling aspect, it's that babysitting was a last resort. The community organizations the Rauschs contacted could not come up with a project for a teenager who had violated curfew. As a result, she now is spending her free time watching neighborhood kids for free.



I have never understood why parents using grounding as punishment. My question is: who is being punished here? Who wants to be stuck in the house with a irritable teenager. I have always encouraged parents to discipline their children, rather than punish them. Punishment might temporarily stop a behavior but disciplines could produce lasting results. Discipline also requires a relationship between parent and child. It turns a bad decision into a learning experience, which is exactly what I think happened with Kirsten.

My Quest

For this entry I am departing from my usual entries. No advice for parents. Today I need your help and encouragement. I have started a personal quest and I need those of you who know me and follow my blog to pray for me and also hold me accountable. Let me give you some background.

As I shared recently, I went on a mission trip with my daughter Katie. We spent four days in Booneville, Arkansas. On the last night we joined other members of our team for a worship service at one of the local churches. During the message the young pastor challenged those present. His text was Ezekiel 22:19,

"I looked for a man among men who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found none."

He noted that Booneville is a city under attack. Unemployment is high and 40% of the people live below the povertry line. Many of the people are turning to drugs, especially meth, and alcohol. He asked for those of us on the mission team to stand in prayer at the downtown inter-section the next morning before we left the town. Katie and I did do that, by the way.

The leader of the team had asked me to lead the devotions for our group that evening. No problem, except it was one of those moments when I put my mouth in gear before engaging my brain. I not only challenged the families in our group to pray for the City of Booneville but to follow it up by standing in the gap and praying for their local community when they got home. OK so far, but I then told them I was going to that by doing a prayer walk through my city, Farmers Branch, Texas. Yes, I planned to walk every residential street in our community over the next two years. I immediately knew I was in trouble, because my daughter was present and she is one who will hold me to my word. I also knew the challenge. Farmers Branch is a city of over 25,000 residents. That's a lot of square miles.

When I returned home I started my quest. It was easy at first. I even printed some small business cards that I shared with people as I walked. Unfortunately I began this task when Dallas is in the midst of a string of 100 degree plus days. Satan did creep in, and I began to question my sanity.

I have been pausing to read the Psalms at various times as I walk. This morning as I came across a verse that I think will become the theme for this quest.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain."

Psalm 127:1

As I read the verse I was surrounded by beautiful homes, with finely manicured lawns, but all of that means nothing if God is not present there. That is my plea. That somehow God will claim the town I live in and that his will is accomplished in and through it.

So, I ask for your prayers and support. Continue to challenge me to keep my commitment. I am not asking you to do the same thing, although that would be pretty cool. Just think of the difference we could make.

Kids Fly Free

Three Florida kids made the news yesterday when they managed to get aboard a Southwest Airlines flight and fly by themselves to Nashville without their parent's knowledge. Bridget Brown, age fifteen, invited her thirteen year old friend, Bobby Nolan, to go along. Her eleven year brother also travel with them. Bridget purchased the tickets using $700 in cash she had earned babysitting. Once in Music City, reality set in and the kids phoned home. The girl's grandmother paid for their tickets to return home.

Both Southwest Airlines and the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) are taking some heat for allowing the kids on the plane in the first place. Southwest states their policy allows kids twelve and over to fly alone. Other airlines have similar rules. The brother was allowed to fly with them since his two companions were over twelve. The TSA said the kids were allowed through security because then had boarding passes. Children under sixteen are not required to have an ID since they are not old enough to have a drivers license.

My first question when I heard the story was, where were the parents? One reality in a world where parents work is kids are left home unsupervised. It becomes especially acute during the summer when kids have unstructured time. A bigger question is how a fifteen year old can have access to $700 in discretionary funds. Granted, Bridget had earned the money babysitting, but what was she doing with that kind of money stashed in her room? Again, where were the parents? What happened to the days when mom and dad said, "let's open a savings account and keep the money safe."

Working parents do face a dilemma during the summer months. How do I balance my professional schedule with my parental responsibility. It become even more of a challenge when the kids are become teens. They not only are no longer candidates for a day care program, but possess the opinion that they can manage on their own. Still, we are the adults and they are the kids. Carrying through on our responsibility is defintely easier with the technology of cell phones. It seems to me that discretionary time requires the need for guidelines. When you sit down and do that, make sure your kids understand they can't leave the state without your permission.

Mission Trip

I spent much of past week on a mission trip with my daughter, Katie. It was a family trip sponsored by the church where she is on staff. The event was sponsored by Youthworks. We joined families from a small towns in Nebraska and Missouri for four days in the Mountains of northwest Arkansas. Part of our team worked fixing up local homes and doing clean-up. Katie and I spent our mornings at a senior center and then worked at the local Boys Club in the afternoon.

The small town we were in is economically depressed, like much of ruarl America. We were told that 40% of the people lived below povertry level and that 70% of school kids qualified for free lunches. The contrast between the senior citizens and the young children was stiking. The seniors for the most part were happy and contented. They were just looking for companionship and someone who would listen to their stories. On first glance the kids appeared to be normal, active 5 - 10 year olds. As I got to know them I discovered a lot of hidden anger and frustration.

I learned some valuable lessons during the week:

It was a real joy to see families on our team working together. Some of the kids who were part of the team were similar in age to kids we were ministering too. They pitched in and worked along side their parents. Hanging out with the families 24/7 provided the opportunity to see how these parents related to their children. For the most part they modeled servanthood, patience and love. I will give them credit. While many families vacationed in the mountains or at Disney World, they worked side-by-side in rural America. I would encourage all families to try to make such trips part of their future plans.

Secondly, family dysfunction does not know economic boundaries. During my career working with middle and upper class families I have crossed paths with many dysfunctional families. I usually attributed the dysfunction to the hectic lifestyle and materialistic society we live in. In this case, poverty and the economic reality only exacerbated the situation. These families did not have the resources or experience to deal with it.

Lastly, love is the ultimate antidote. It was overwhelming to see the response once the kids discovered that I genuinely cared and loved them. One-on-one they would respond. I can't recall a time when I have received as many hugs as I did last week.

As I reflect on the experience, I wish it were possible to get those two groups together. The young could learn so much from the senior citizens. In the end only love and relationship really matter. What a powerful lesson for a community. What a awesome responsibility for all parents.

The Value of Family

I recently returned from two family reunions. My family, minus brother David who had an emergency in his wife's family, gathered in Pennsylvania. Barb's family met in Grand Rapids, Michigan to celebrate the 25th anniversary of her sister and brother-in-law. It seems that I value these events more and more as I grow older. They seem far too short and not frequent enough for me.

It was our choice to move to Texas and away from extended family twenty-two years ago. I think our kids have turned out OK even though they haven't had the support system of family close by. We have depended on other adults to mentor our kids. Still I value the relationships we as family have with the uncles, aunts and cousins around the country. I especially cherish the time spent with my mom (age 89) and her brother, Don, (87). They are all that we have left of the previous generation.

One of the realities of the world we live is our mobility. We often tend to live apart from immediate family. We rely on the ease of travel to allow us to gather for holidays and to mark family celebrations. The reality is, we need personal contact to insure the continuation of family heritage and faith traditions. The internet does allow us to connect with friends and family around the country. I admit that I do stay in touch with extended family that way. We also try to talk on the phone on a regular basis. But none of those are a substitute for face-to-face, personal conversation.

Make sure that your extended family is a part of your children's life. Each of us has a story to tell. Make sure those you love have the opportunity to share theirs.

I've Seen That Look Before

I have been on the road for over a week so I am a little behind in my blogging. It's not that I haven't wanted to write, I have wanted to address one particular issue numerous times. The topic is Lindsay Lohan and her jail sentence.

Those who know me probably find this a bit strange, maybe even humorous. When it comes to Hollywood personalities, I plead total ignorance, but there is one image of Miss Lohan that I cannot get out of my head. It's the expression on her face when the judge announced the jail sentence.

I don't know Lindsay Lohan. I understand she was a good childhood actress who has made some poor choices in recent years. While I am not familiar with her, I do know the expression. I saw it countless times during my years as a school counselor. It usually came after a student was confronted with the evidence, and the reality that there would be consequences. Sometimes it was because we had discovered drugs in their locker, or maybe they had cheated on a test. The look was usually accompanied a shocked expression conveying, "This can't be happening to me." What followed was usually a rationalization for the behavior and a promise that if they are let off it won't happen again. Tears also flowed as part of the emotional outburst. Somewhere along the lines they hope they can arouse sympathy, maybe even some guilt.

Don't fall into the trap. What is the old expression? Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me. This was not a first offense for Miss Lohan. She has fooled us and the authorities numerous times. Shame on the system for not giving her a strong dose of reality once before. It is only when she is confronted with the reality of her addictive behavior that Lindsay Lohan has any chance at all of turning her life around.

All parents need to have their radar up to detect any at risk behavior. Such behavior needs to be confronted and dealt with. No amount of emotional drama should ever deter a parent from doing what they have to do to address the issue and stop the behavior.

If Lindsay Lohan is lacking for anything, it's for people in her life who will hold her accountable.

The Gap in College Planning

I had a conversation with the son of a good friend early last fall. I knew he was beginning his senior year. When I asked about his future plans his response surprised me. "I have a list of six or seven schools that sound good." I inquired as to which ones he had visited. "None so far, but we going to do that sometime soon and then I'll start applying." When I asked about how much help his school counselor had been his response troubled me. "Unless your in the top ten percent or a kids who's got issues, she doesn't even know who you are." I know from experience that my young friend was behind the eight ball. His grades are good and he's a great kid but he has no sense of vision.

I spent eleven years as a school counselor. I every fall I would teach a careers class, a required elective for all juniors. We started with an interest inventory and aptitude tests. We moved on to looking at career options that matched. Students would then search for schools that offered majors that fit their needs and academic level. Before they finished they had visited multiple schools and narrowed thing down to three to five schools. After that class I handed them off to my colleague who guided them through the rest of the process. The goals was that they came back for their senior year ready to fill-out the applications and apply for scholarships. Annually, most of our students went off to college, prepared. A few would opt for community colleges and trade schools, others would enlist in the military, but they all had a plan. What I discovered is that once kids had a vision and plan in place, they faced their studies with a new sense of purpose.

All of this came to mind when I read an article in USA Today one day last week. The article focused on urban schools, particularly in chicago. "... only 38% of the top-ranked students enrolled in a college with admissions criteria that matched their academic qualifications." The article referred to a study done by the University of Chicago. One fact that stood out. The Association of School Counselors recommends a student to counselor ratio of 250/1. The national average is 467/1, with some district it's 1000/1.

Parents need to be on top of this issue. They need to discuss future plans with their teens. Junior year needs to be the time for planning and visiting schools. By the time they enter their senior year they need to have a short list of three to five school to which they are going to apply. When it comes to scholarships, no stone should be left unturned. I would always tell kids, once you have a vision you should be doing something every day to make that a reality. The part-time jobs and books and magazines a teen reads can prepare them for the future. Even video games can help them learn. There are simulation programs on engneering and architecture, as well as ways to gain business experience.

Don't assume that the school your child attends is going to provide all the help they need.

Entitlement

I saw it countless times during my years as a high school counselor. A student would turn sixteen and get their drivers license. Shortly thereafter they would be driving to school in a new or "gently used" car or suv that fit their image. A few weeks later I would see that same vehicle in the school parking lot with one or more damaged fenders or bumpers. A month or so later I would be at a school function and hear the student's parents complaining about how their car insurance had gone "through the roof because of a ticket their child had received."

The above is but one example of entitlement. A teenager turns sixteen and they feel they are entitled to a drivers license. Then they are entitled to a car of their own, one that fits their image. The reality is, not all sixteen year olds should be driving a motor vehicle. A drivers license is not something you are "entitled" to. It's a privilege that should be earned.

Barb and I have gone through it. All three of our kids went through driving school, and got their licenses. We had two "kid cars" over the years. The first one was a brown Ford Granada that the kids called the "Turbo Turd." As I recall it had about 75,000 miles when we bought it and lasted until well past 150,000. Aside from a minor fender bender, I don't recall any other incidents, or tickets. Our kids were allowed to drive because we felt they were mature enough and could handle the responsibility.

Entitlement is a real issue today, not just with teens but with adults too. We feel we are owed something just because of who we are. In the case of any sixteen year old who longs for that license and first car: That should be mom and dad's decision based on their son's/daughter's level of maturity. Unfortunately the same child who wins the table over the $1.00 candy bar in the store check-out line often wins the battle in the car showroom too.

The Blame Game

Golf's U. S. Open was played this past weekend at the Pebble Beach Golf Links in California. While neither of them won, much of the focus was on the world's two top professional golfers; Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. Both men putted poorly during the first round on Thursday and their scores reflected it. Their reactions to the their on-course stuggles provide an example of the difference between the two men. Tiger blamed the greens, stating they were "awful." Phil used the world "awful" in reaction to his round as well, but it was in reference to the way he putted.

From my perspective Tiger Woods represents much of what is wrong with our culture. When things don't work out we want to blame others. When we find ourselves in trouble our first response is to look for someone else on whom we can place the blame on.

I saw it time and again during my years as a school counselor. When a student got in trouble, it was always someone elses fault. It was rare when they immediately assumed responsibility for their actions. The teachers were against them. The school had to many "stupid" rules. Their friends were doing the same thing and didn't get caught. Unfortunately parents often fell into the same trap. Attempts to discipline their child was met with resistence because it wasn't their fault.

All of us need to take ownership for our own actions. When we screw-up we need to admit it, and not blame others. As a parent, you need to get all the facts before jumping to a conclusion when your kids are accused of something. It's time to turn things around and stop the "American Blame Game."

Who Are We Doing This For?

I recently got an e-mail from a friend who is an early childhood administrator. She expressed her indignation over the celebration of kindergarten graduations. She had inherited a situation where it was a formal event with the kids wearing caps and gowns. Any attempt to change the tradition was met with resistance by, you guessed it, the parents. Granted, completing kindgarten is a bit of a "right of passage" but I think it's lost some of its significance due to the fact that so many schools offer full-day kindergarten. With the emphasis on early-childhood education, a lot of formal learning has already taken place. Unlike other transitions, grade school to middle school and middle school to high school for example, most kindergarteners will continue their education on the same campus.

I could not help but think about the tradition of youth confirmation. I am a Lutheran and one of the traditions of our denominations is confirmation. Most churches confirm young people sometime during their middle school years, usually 8th grade. Every study that's ever been done on the issue of youth confirmation has shown that it is the worst possible time for young people to be making such a statement of faith. Instruction, yes. Allowing them to receive the Lord's Supper, yes. Confession of faith, maybe. Few middle school students lack the maturity. But almost every attempt to alter the tradition has been met with resistence, not from clergy and church educators but from parents. Youth confirmation is a tradition. They went through it. Their parents had a party for them and they want to provide the same for their kids. That is the bottom line - it's an opportunity to host a party. No matter that the timing is wrong. Nobody is going to "rain on their parade."

It causes me to ask the question: Who are we doing this for? Is the celebration for the kids or for the parents? If it's for the parents, then perhaps it's doing more harm than good.

Obese Kids are at Risk but Not Just for the Reason You Think

I can't go shopping without running into them. They, in this case, are parents with obese kids. It's usually mom who is pushing the cart, often filled with junk foods, while the kids trail behind munching on chips or a candy bar. I can only shake my head and try to hold my tongue. Don't they see the same statistics that I do. Obese kids are more at risk for health problems. Obesity leads to heart and blood pressure problem, not to mention the risk of diabetes.

Now there is another reason to address the issue of childhood obesity. Chubby kids are bullied more. Researchers at the University of Michigan analyzed incidents of bullying involving 821 kids ages 8 - 11. Over-weight kids were bullied more than their normal weight peers. About one third of the children in our country are obese but over two-thirds of those who were bullied had weight issues.

Obese kids also experience more depression, anxiety and lonliness that do their peers. This issue becomes more grave when kids enter into the teen years. Middle school kids can be especially cruel when it comes to the treatment of peers who are overweight.

The time to address childhood obesity is now. Obese kids are not only at risk when it comes to physical health but emotional health as well.

Lack of Eye Contact is My #1 Concern About Today's Teens

Back in March of this year I had the opportunity to be part of a panel discussion. The occasion was the Fiftieth Anniversary of Director of Christian Education (DCE) ministry in the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. I spent the first twenty-five years of my ministry as a parish DCE focusing on youth ministry, which I guess qualifies me as a pioneer in the eyes of my peers.

One of the first questions to the panel was; What is the biggest change in ministry since my early years? I must admit that I had often considered that as I watch today's youth ministry professionals sort through the wealth of resources available. I was handed a Concordia Publishing House catalog on my day of graduation. The expectation was all I needed could be found there. Our church body had a team of four professional in St. Louis who produced resources that were supposedly up to date and doctrinally pure. Of the two major publishers today, Youth Specialties was just getting started and Group Publishing was just a dream in Thom Schultz's mind. The only media was 16 mm films that came on big reels and had to be ordered via mail, usually at a hefty price.

I have recently had to re-think my answer. I still believe the abundance of resources available today is the greatest change but probably the biggest challange comes from the way today's teens communicate.

I have recieved a lot of feedback from a comment I posted on my Facebook page last week. I referenced the latest findings that report the average teenagers sends fifty or more text messages each day. I had the opportunity to spend last Friday at Dallas Lutheran School and many of my former colleagues wanted to share their comments and opinions on the topic. All found the trend disturbing. One noted that she had observed two high school students in the hallway standing six feet apart but still using their cell phones to communicate.

I must admit that I do find texting convenient. "Meeting Still on?" "B there in 10 min." But I also recognize the value of face to face conversation. There are so many more ways to communiate than just written words. I value eye contact. I want to observe body language. Even the tone of voice and cadence can tell me so much.

If you share my concern, I would encourage you to talk it through with your teenager. Maybe you need to establish some ground rules in terms of texting within your family. There is still a need for one-on-one discussion within the home.

Parents Never Stop Teaching

I recently returned from spending a few days in Michigan with my mom. She celebrated her 89th birthday while I was there. Mom has an apartment in a retirement community. She does pretty well for her age but has reached the point where she does depend a lot on others. Much of the responsibility falls on my brother who lives fifteen minutes from her but when I am there I find myself in the position of parenting my mom. She did have her "to do" list and we spent one whole day running errands. I discovered one evening that mom is still capable of teaching me a few things when it comes to faith.

My dad has been dead over five years but I know she still misses him. She confessed one time that she still cries at night when she gets in bed. But mom is a person who lives with the hope of eternal life. I was reminded of that on my first night there. I was relaxing in bed with a book when I heard her singing loud and clear in the next room. "Abide with me, fast falls the even-tide. The darkness deepens, Lord with me abide." I put my book aside and listened. How could such a quiverring voice convey such strength and conviction. Suddenly I was the one with tears in my eyes. "Hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes. Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies. Heaven's morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee. In life, in death, O Lord abide with me."

Suddenly I was the child again and my mother was singing me a lullaby. Her message was loud and clear. She is a person of faith in Jesus Christ. She lives in the hope of a joyful reunion in heaven. What a legacy she is passing on!

We will always be parents to our kids. Our role and influence might change, but our duty, as conveyors of the faith, is unchanging. How will you communicate today the hope that you personally have in Jesus? How will your child see Jesus and the hope he brings, in your life?

Is Your Child the Bully?

Bullies have parents too. While no parent wants to think of their child as being a bully, the reality is the potential is always present. Bullying has received a lot of attention lately. In the process, some myths regarding bullies have been debunked. One example: Bullies are loners. In actuality bullies often are surround by friends. Bullies need an audience and support system. Bullies know how to manipulate, so over time their peers may become unknowing accomplices. Another myth is that bullies have low self esteem. In reality the exact opposite could be true. Kids with an elevated self esteem can use bullying as a way to reinforce and insulate their self image.

So what are some warning signs:

Abuse of Power: Power is a convenient tool. We can use physical or verbal power to gain control over other people. In the process we can get them to do what we want them to do for us. Parents can prevent their children from falling into the "power trap" by not allowing themselves to be manipulated. They also should be good role models when it comes to abuse of power. Spanking and other physical uses of power might work with infants and toddlers but they might teach older children that they can use force to get their peers to do what they want them to do for them.

Anger: All human emotions are gifts from God. As such, anger is a part of being human. It's what we do with our anger that makes it wrong. When we use anger as a way to gain control of a situation it can have a negative long-term effect. When our children have fits of anger we may feel a need to give in. If we see anger in our teens we need to confront it, because it's proably not going to go away. The conversation won't be productive when they are aggitated. The time to talk about their anger is when they are calm.

Teasing: Ok, teasing has always been a part of being a family. We all might gently tease at times. Persistent teasing is not healthy. It can belittling. It also can give us control over another person. A good rule for a family is to respect the words, "stop that." When an individual requests that a particular word or action come to an end, we need to abide by that request. When we continue the action we are putting ourselves in a position of control over them.

We all tend to think of our own kids as being the victim. We want to protect them in all circumstance. When it comes to bullying we need to make sure we have all the information before jumping to conclusions. That especially must be the case if we see some of the warning signs ourselves.

A Need for Ethics in Texting

We live in a rapidly changing world. Think about it, how many conveniences that we take for granted did not even exist twenty years ago. Cell phones and home computers, led to laptops and i-phones. On-line shopping and texting did not even exist. In the case of the Millenial Generation, all these changes have taken place during their lifetime.



As a result, one issue our society has to deal with is a lack of ethics when it comes to the use of some of the technologies. So how do we help our teens learn the proper etiquette when it comes to the use of their cell phone? Here are some suggestions:



Establish some boundaries. Use of the cell phone for both texting and conversations should be off limits at certain times. Obviously that should include during churches services and similar public events but also should include meal times, including when eating out in a restaurant.



Designate a No Texting Zone. When our kids were teens I found that time together in the car was a great time to have conversation. I often used the time between school and home to talk about what was going on in my world and theirs. Maybe you want to make your car or one room in the house, the family room for example, a no texting zone. That way to guarantee you have a place where you can have uninterrupted conversation.



Talk about the issues. Let them know that you are aware of the issue of cyber bullying and the safety hazard that goes with texting while driving. Encourage them to be open and honest when they feel threatened by cyber bullies.



Encourage them to call you, rather than just texting you when their plans change. This gives you the opportunity to ask questions and get a sense of their mood. It's a lot more difficult to be deceptive when you have to verbalize it, than when you are just typing in a message.



Model good cyber ethics yourself. The same rules should apply to you as to your teens. Remember, they are watching you.

Holy Week, 2010

Like most Christian churches, we celebrated Palm Sunday yesterday. I found the worship especially inspiring. Part of that was the fact that the pews were full but the music was also really inspiring.

One of the most meaningful parts of the day happened after the worship services. The 5th and 6th grade youth group hosted a Journey to the Cross experience. Participants took a prayer walk, visiting ten stations, following Christ from the Upper Room to the Cross and then reflecting on His Easter Victory. While the experience was inspiring, what impressed me the most was the leadership of the kids. While I am sure the adult leaders planned the event and supervised the set up, the kids were the up-front leaders. From registration to tour guides, the kids were running the event. They not only directed the families through the experience but made sure that a reverant atmosphere was maintained. They were especially sensitive to the need for privacy and personal time. It was obvious they had a respect for and appreciation of what Christ had done for them.

I reflected back on my own up-bringing. Attendance at Lenten services was a requirement in our family. I was one of the few children in attendance, usually sitting with my grandmother while my parents were up-front with the choir. I remember the solemnness; the darkened sanctuary, the pastor in a black cassock instead of a white robe and somber hymns.

It's important to pass on the tradition of Lent to our children. A proper observance of Lent prepares us for the joyful celebration of Easter. This is Holy Week. It's time to make sure our hearts and the hearts of our children are ready to celebrate the most significant day in all Christendom. If Christ had not been raised from the dead our faith would be in vain.

Substance Abuse and Second Chances

I am a baseball fan. I grew up in Detroit and maintain my allegiance to the Tigers but I also follow our local team, The Texas Rangers. Like the rest of the sports world I was stunned by the news that Rangers' manager, Ron Washington, had admitted to the use of cocaine during last baseball season. Ilike Ron. He's a players manager and he's done a good job putting the team in a position where they can be successful.



While I was disturbed at Ron Washington's disclosure, I was even more troubled by the response of many in the local media. Most local sportscasters called for his resignation. "How could the Rangers put an individual who had exhibited such indescretions in a position of authority of a group of young men," many reasoned. They pointed to the presence of Josh Hamilton, a recovering addict himself, in the club house. Baseball mangers must be held of a high standard, they rationalized.

I encountered the issue of substance abuse numerous times as I worked with teenagers. This was especially the case during the eleven years I worked in a high school counseling office. I always felt blessed to be at a school that allowed students a second chance. While there were definite consequences, first offenders were encouraged to get help. We also monitored their behavior and classroom performance. The involvement of parents in the process was crucial. I also had an undestanding with the school administrators so that if I intervened prior to their involvement, there would be no consequences and no questions asked.

I recognize that fact that Ron Washington is not a teenager, he is in fact 57 years old. He is also in a position of authority, but I concur with Ranger management. Team President, Nolan Ryan, and General Manager, Jon Daniels, both stated they treated the manger the same way they would treat any employee. Their number one concern was for the individual and getting them the help they needed. Based on that, Ron Washington was allowed to continue in his job while getting the counseling he needed.

There is a lesson here for parents. Any at risk behavior must be taken seriously but we should be slow to judge and quick to offer help and support. Consequences yes. Condemnation no.
1) Confront the issue. 2) Get them help they need. 3) Monitor their future behavior.

Does the Plumber Need a College Degree?

As I thumbed through the newspaper this morning I was reminded that it's getting down to crunch time for many high school students. One article focused on the fact that college is not for everyone. Another pointed out the role that apprenticeships may play in helping those not headed to college.

Having spent eleven years in a high school counseling office I remember the stress that came with this time of year. Seniors were approaching decision time in terms of which school to attend and junior were developing their list of schools they needed to visit. Then their was the angst that came from parents whose seniors had decided college was not for them.

I was at a school where a high percentage of our graduates went on to college. When the parents of perspective students visited on campus they did not ask if our graduates went to college, rather they wanted to know what kinds of colleges and universities welcomed our students.
Even then it bothered me that some parents saw college as a panacea. If we can just get them that college degree they will have the ticket to a successful career and life.

Don't get me wrong. A college education has tremendous benefit. Barb and I have three college graduates. All three had a positive college experience. They have all used that education to pursue careers and have achieved a degree of success, but I would never have force any of them to go to college. College is not for everyone.

It's really vital that kids cast a vision as to where they would like to be. During my years in a high school setting we used a variety of instruments and tools to help kids identify their interest and talents and then research career possibilities that matched. I recall a heated discussion with a dad whose son wanted to be a mechanic. Two older siblings had gone off to college and he was planning the same for #3. The kid was a natural with car engines. He bailed me out one afternoon when my vehicle wouldn't start. He also told me what I should report to my mechanic. He was on target too.

We need mechanics and electricians and plumbers, just like we need doctors, teachers and engineers. If I have a broken pipe, I could care less if the plumber they send out has a college education. I just want someone who can fix the problem.

Talk with your teens about their plans and dreams. Help them to focus on what they want to become, then bless them and set them free to pursue that dream. College might help them reach that goal but maybe trade school or the armed services would be more beneficial.

Doing the Right Thing: Promoting Sexual Abstinence

The news radio station that I listen to has a feature they call The Other Side of the News. It features unique, quirky, kinds of stories you would not normally hear, like the guy who created a picture of President Lincoln made entirely out of pennies. I found a story one day last week more than a little disturbing. It seems that a bridal couple somewhere in the northeast U.S. had their wedding reception interrupted when the pregnant bride's water broke. The bride encouraged the guests to "party-on" while she and her new husband went off the the hospital. Labor was induced and a healthy baby delivered. The bridal party later joined the new parents to continue the celebration.

One comment by the new husband-dad really troubled me. "We just wanted to do the right thing," he rationalized. In his mind their being married insured that the child would not be born out-of-wedlock. My reaction was, the right things would be to wait until after marriage to have intercourse in the first place. I know that is not the popular opinion these days but it is still the way God intended it to be.

It was ironic that I heard the story on the same day that the results of a new study on marriage was released. The report, issued by the National Center for Health Statistics, concluded that couples to live together before marriage and those that don't both have the same chance of a successful marriage. The report noted that two-thirds of couples now live together prior to being married. I think it's pretty safe to assume that those living together are sexually active.

All this points to the importance of communicating God's plan to our teens. It is never too early to talk about the issue. A friend commented to me last week that his ten year old daughter was showing signs of puberty. He wondered aloud whether he and his wife needed to raise the issue of sex and the feelings that accompany puberty. I convinced him it was. If protecting her virginity was a high priority, it was vital to draw the line in the sand as soon as possible. It's not the popular opinion but it is, and always will be, God's will.

Why is it so Tough to Forgive?

I sensed that a lot of people were uncomfortable in our church last Sunday. The text for the message was from Luke 6: the part that begins, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you." The typical response to such a request is, "After what they've done for me, you want me to do what?"

During the education hour I had the opportunity to take the opposite side. Our church uses Group Publishing's Faithweaver curriculum. When we split into discussion groups someone was supposed to take the opposite point of view. That was no problem. I could think of countless reasons I should not forgive those who have hurt me or even just threatened my turf. That covers a lot of ground from those who cut me off on the highway, to those who at one time personally attacked me in a church congregational meeting. How unthinkable that they want me removed from my ministry.

The answer is "yes" to all of the above. Wait, make that a resounding "yes."

Consider my favorite parable: The Forgiving Father (Luke 15:11-32). In the story the father takes back the wayward son, no questions asked. The kid had blown half the family inheritance and embarrassed the family name. No, "How could you do this to us?" or "Where have you been?"

We have a model in our Heavenly Father who welcomes us home in the same way. When we approach with repentant hearts He just forgives, no questions asked.

While it might be difficult to forgive those "nameless so and so's" who cut us off on the highway, it should not be that challenging to forgive our own offspring. Unfortunately that isn't always the case. Our kids mistakes cost us money and damage our reputation. Still, the reality is our kids will always be our kids. That means loving them when they let us down in the same way we do when they make us proud.

That's the kind of Heavenly Father we have and that's the kind of earthly parent he wants us to be.

Is Setting Boundaries Worth the Hassle?

"It's just not worth the hassle, anymore," a parent recently commented to me. They were talking about an attempt to set dating boundaries for their daughter, a high school sophmore.

Yes, setting down rules can be a hassle, but it's very much worth the effort. While there might be resistance, most teens really inwardly appreciate having boundaries. It helps them know what they can do without getting in trouble. It also gives them an out when pressured by peers. Yes, "My parents don't allow me to go there." does work. Teens also realize that boundaries help them develop self discipline. Boundaries are another way of letting them know you care.

Some recent studies prove that boundaries make a huge difference. An article published recently in the journal for the American Academy for Pediatrics, provided some examples:

Teens who had a set bed time of 10:00 PM not only got more sleep but were less likely to get depressed or consider suicide.

Teen drivers whose parents set and enforced rules were less likely to get speeding tickets, drink and drive or use their cell phones behind the wheel.

Parents who put restriction on the amount of time their teens spent on the internet or playing video games saw their students grades improve.

The challenge is for parents to communicate any boundaries in a caring, rather than a controlling, manner. Some tips:

> Any rules deserve an explanation.

> Consequences should be appropriate and clearly defined.

> Keep the lines of communication open. Be willing to discuss any rules.

> Let your teens know that you are monitoring their behavior.

> Make sure you live by the same rules. Yes, that mean no speeding tickets and not using your cell phone while driving as well.

Teen Suicide

I spent Wednesday night with a group of parents at University Baptist Church in Fort Worth. A member of their youth group had taken his life on Monday morning. Knowing my background as a school counselor and youth advocate, my friend had asked me to help the parents process what had taken place. A team of trained grief counselors from the Fort Worth ISD were meeting with the teens at the same time. Many of those present had a personal relationship with Nathan, the young man. One mom reported that she and her daughter had given Nathan a ride home from a youth event on Sunday night. It was hard to comprehend how the happy young man they had known could just twelve hours later kill himself.

Teen suicide is not a new issue. I was serving a church in Cape Girardeau, Missouri in the early seventies. We experienced three teen suicides in a short period of time. The community responded by establishing a crisis phone line. I had the privilege of serving on the initial board. During my tenure at Lutheran High Dallas, suicide was an ongoing concern. I was involved in numerous interventions and fortunately never had a student take their own life.

I don't think we will ever truly understand the "why" behind teen suicide. I do know that lack of a pre-frontal cortex in the teenage brain, can result in teens often acting in irrational ways. Think about the numbers times you have mentally asked, "What were they thinking?" We also know from experience that teens can ride an emotional rollercoaster, being silly one minute and in tears the next. If there is one comfort it comes from know we have a Savior who undestands, even when we don't.

As a parent, the thought of losing a child or grand child goes beyond my comprehension. The question is, how can I prevent my child from taking their own life?

It starts with creating an atmosphere of openness when it comes to sharing emotions. When we talk about our fears and feelings, we give our teens permission to talk about theirs. That especially comes to the feeling of love. We can never express it enough. Because of their nature we can't always expect our teens to recipricate. Getting teens to open up about what they are feeling prevents them from internalizing them.

Secondly, keep your radar on when it comes to detecting changes in routine or friendships. Some of those could be natural transitions but any change becomes a stress point. Don't hesitate to ask questions.

Finally, make sure your teen has a support system. They need to be surrounded by adults who not only care about them but share your value system. In times of crisis, such individual might be the ones your teens turn to.

We can never totally eliminate teen sucides but we can build in safe guards to lessen the risk with our kids.

Super Opportunity

One year when our daughter Katie was in high school she asked if she could host a Super Bowl party for some of her friends. We said OK: our philosophy always was if we had the kids at our house we knew what was going on. In this case the guests were all female and my wife planned the food accordingly. I arranged my agenda so as to avoid the family room.

The volume coming from that area of the house caused me to wonder how the girls could focus the game. When I peeked in I discovered they weren't. They were playing board games, laughing and talking. It was apparent they didn't have any idea what was happening in the game. I went back to my reading, with the game playing in the background when I suddenly became aware that the girls had become silent. Curious that perhaps a player had been seriously injured, I went to check on the girls. They were focused on the TV... watching the commercials. They had no interest at all in the game and probably didn't even know the score. They just wanted to watch the ads.

I must admit that when I it comes to the NFL, I am a casual observer. I am a NASCAR fan and the racing season conflicts with football. I also have a disdain for a certain owner of the local NFL team. I must admit that I do start watching once the playoffs start, mainly because you have to know what the local heroes have done, or could have done, to carry on a conversation with most people. Yes, I will watch the Super Bowl, but then so will most Americans.

If your family is going to sit down and watch the game together, why not seize the opportunity to discuss the commercials. You might even use a numeric judging system. "I would rate that one a 6.5 on a ten point scale." The commericals also could open the door for you to talk about the messages the commericals are sending. You might end up discussing values and the impact that the media has on our culture.

Tim Tebow gives us another issue to discuss. Focus on the Family has purchased commercial time to air a thirty-second spot featuring the Florida State Quarterback and his mom. The commercial delivers a very blatant pro-life message. It also has created quite a controversy. This morning's USA Today sport section features a pair of editorials presenting both sides of the issue. What an opportunity to discuss the issue with your teen!

Your Teen's Role Models

The Grammy Awards were on TV last night. There was a time when I enjoyed watching the Grammy Awards. Last night I tried to avoid it. I found a good book and sat by the fire. Sometime over the last decade contemporary music left me behind. My interest in The Grammy Awards waned when Rap was given it's own category.

I hear people talk about the lifestyles of the current rich and famous. The images I see of Lady Gaga are disturbing. I don't know much about her but I am not sure I would want my daughter seeing her as a role model. I understand Stevie Nicks sang a duet with Taylor Swift. Stevie was part of Fleetwood Mac, a group I still enjoy listening to but I have never considered them role models. I guess the every generation has it's share of negative role models, as well as a few of those who are positive.

I believe it's essential that parents pay attention to who their kids view as role models. Take time to talk about what they saying and doing. Help them process what they are seeing and hearing. Ask questions such as: How do you feel about what they said? or "What do you think about what they are wearing?" When it comes to music, check out the lyrics and discuss with your teen the message a song is sending. Instead of complaining about the culture your teen lives in, become familiar with it. You can't ignore it because it's a reality.

Putting Aside Our Agenda Might Become Hairy

If you live in the DFW area you are probably familar with the story of Taylor Pugh. Taylor has been in the news lately because according to the Mesquite School District his hair is too long. Taylor was not allowed to attend class with his friends, but instead received one-one instruction in private. What made this story so disturbing to me was Taylor's age. He's four years old.

I caught on early to the fact that this was his parent's agenda. Mom was the spokesperson. In fact we never really heard from Taylor himself. Length of hair was the agenda and mom would not budge. When the school district offered a compromise, hair ok as long as it was braided, she stated that doing so caused his head to hurt.

Jacquielynn Floyd offer a different perspective to the Taylor Pugh saga in this morning's Dallas Morning News. She tracked down a former hair martyr named Heath Peables. Heath was a Texas sixth grader in the 70's when his parents took a similar stand. "I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to fit it." he stated in a recent interview.

Therein lies the reality for most pre-school and elementary age kids. They just want to fit it, to find their place in the classroom. The sad case is that too many times a parent's agenda becomes the child's and in the process the child is the victim.

Somewhere along the line we need to convey our thoughts and opinions to our children but in almost all cases they need to be allowed to develop thier own agendas. That probably won't happen until the teen years. Up until then their primary agenda is just being a kid and fitting in.

By the way, Taylor is back with his friends, his hair in cornrow braids.

Reflections on MLK Day

I grew up on the eastside of Detroit in the fifties and sixties. Motown was a very segregated city in those days. I lived an all-white neighborhood and went to a public school where I was surrounded by kids like me. There were "colored people," that's what they were called in those days, living in Detroit but they had their area of town and we had ours.

Something significant happened in my life in 1962. The Board of Education bought all the houses in our neighborhood in order to expand elementary school and convert it into a high school. It was a known fact that the new high school would be one of the first to be fully integrated. Most of our neighbor chose to flee to new homes in the suburbs. My parents made the decision to move further into the city. Over the next several years the neighborhood where our family lived went through several transitions. The riot of 1967 marked the beginning of change. Blacks had made their statement and the city was never the same. My parents lived in that same house until 2004 when they moved to an apartment in a retirement community. Dad died within six months.

My dad never talked much about Dr. King, but I believe they shared a common believe. We all need to learn how to just get along together. People, regardless of color, need to live in peace. I think the reason my folks were able to live in the same home in the city for over forty years was because my dad always viewed his neighbors as his friends. He greeted all people with a friendly hello. As a result those who lived around him tried to watch out for him and mom. Their snow was shovel and their house protected.

So, while the rest of the world reflects on Dr. King, I will reflect on my dad and the heritage he passed on to me. All people are part of God's creation. All people need to be loved. All people need Jesus. "Why can't we all just get along?"

What kind of heritage are you passing on to your children? What do your actions say about your attitude toward those who are different than you?

The Gift of Texting

I was a substitute teacher in a middle school yesterday. At the end of the day one of my assigned tasks was to return cell phone to students. In that school student are required to hand over their phones at the beginning of the school day so that they are not tempted to be using them during the school day. Almost all schools have a similar cell phone policy. While it was a minor inconvenience, it caused me to consider what a gift modern technology is.

When I was in high school I always carried a pocket full of dimes. That is what it took to use a pay phone to call home. I got in trouble with my parents during my junior year and after that I was required to check in any time my plans changed or I was going to be delayed getting home. I could have never imagined when there would come a day when I would carry a phone in my pocket.

I am relatively new to the world of texting. I got a new cell phone in November and added two features to my plan. I now have a blue tooth so I can talk hands-free while driving and I have unlimited texting. I soon discovered that most of my texting is to our kids. We have three adult children. Texting is a great way to check in with them without disrupting their routine.

What a gift texting is to parents! It's a way to stay in touch with our kids when they are out of sight. I know not all parents are as "techno-savy" but in my opinion it's worth paying for unlimited texting and to put forth the effort to learn how. Oh by the way, please avoid the temptation to text your child during the school day, lest you get them in trouble.

And the #1 message we should be sending. "Luv Ya! GB" (that's God Bless).