Suicide Threats: Take Them Seriously

The high school in Coppell, Texas experienced the death of two students last week.  One of those deaths received a lot of press coverage, but the other was barely mentioned. A star football player drowned while cliff-jumping with some friends.  The other student was found dead of a self-inflicted gun shot wound in a local park.  The football player was honored by both teams during last Friday nights game.  The media even covered his funeral.  I have not even seen an obituary for the other young man.  I guess I should not be surprised.  Teen suicide is the killer we don't like to think about.

I took suicide seriously during my years as a high school counselor.  At the first mention of a threat to do harm to one's self, I got parents involved.  My colleagues were also on high alert to watch for the warning signs.  I talked with students about the issue and made sure they knew what to look for.  Often the intervention took place because a peer alerted me.  Macabre drawing and self-mutilation were warning signs.  Even if the student denied it, or blew it off as "I was just joking around," We took it seriously. 

What are the warning signs?  Here a couple of things to look for:

A disinterest in previously favorite activities:  If a student is involved in an extra-curricular activity and suddenly gives it up, that could be an indicator. 

Withdrawal from friends and family: Young people who are contemplating suicide will often withdraw.  If they show no interest in hanging out with friends and start spending extended time alone, it's time to ask questions.

Neglecting personal appearance and hygiene: Most teens are very conscious of their appearance.  If that changes it could be an indication that they are giving up on life.

Change in Sleep Patterns: If they tend to sleep during the day and stay up at night, it's time to check things out.  Get them to their doctor and find out what's going on. 

Substance Abuse: Drugs and alcohol can lead to a downward spiral. 

For more information I would recommend checking out the following website: http://www.teensuicide.us/articles2.html

The Grossest Place on Earth

I am embarrassed because I could not remember his first name.  Unfortunately his last name, and the very descriptive and vulgar nickname that became attached to it, are etched in my memory.  I recently dusted off the yearbook from my freshmen year in high school and discovered his first name was Randy.  The problem was Randy was physically different, and that difference was plainly evident behind the closed doors of the boys locker room.  A couple of the football player, who just happened to be in the same gym class, picked up on Randy's distinctive characteristics. They bestowed the nickname and it stuck.  That's probably the reason Randy's picture only appears with our 9th grade class.  He didn't return for his sophomore year.  I only wish now that I had said something to Randy, encouraged him in some way.  To this day I wish I could say, "I am sorry."  While I didn't make up the nickname or even referred to him that way, I did laugh at the antics of the bullies.

That experience, and my years as a basketball coach, confirm it; The middle and high school boy's locker room might be the grossest place on earth.  Another reality; The loudest and smuttiest males usually hold court.  Many of their classmates become the audience.  Unfortunately there often one or two individuals become the victims.

I though of Randy this week when I heard the news report of another boy who was the victim of locker room bullying.  In this case the boy took his own life.  His classmates knew what was happening.  The teacher/coach was aware of it.  Several parents were even conscious of what was going on.  And nobody did anything.

It's easy to write off locker room humor as a tradition.  Surviving it could be viewed as a right of passage, but there are victims who are permanently scarred.  For that reason I feel a need to offer some suggestions for parents who have boys in middle and high school.  It's really important for dads to take the lead on this issue.

Don't ignore the subject: Talk to your son about the issue of locker room behavior.  Reflect on your experience when you were in school and share what you saw and heard.

Confront the issue: Discuss what can be done when locker room bullying starts.  Remind them that the one thing they can do is not reinforce the negative behavior.  If bullies don't have an audience they usually quit.

Become an advocate: Encourage your son to become and advocate on behalf of the victim.  Make the coach or teacher aware of what is going on.  Let victim know you care about them.

Model appropriate behavior: As an adult, you need to be a role model.  Watch your comments about other people.  If there is nothing positive to say about someone, it's probably best to say nothing. 

Locker rooms smell enough without adding to their grossness through the language that is used

The TCU Quarterback and a Lesson From Dad

Sometimes it's tough being a dad.  Parents who think it gets easier once the kids leave the nest have a lot to learn.  Stan Pachall learned that again this week.  Stan's son, Casey, is the starting quarterback at Texas Christian University (TCU).  As a TCU season ticket holder, I have become familiar with Casey and his "Texas gunslinger persona."  Earlier this year Casey was disciplined by his coach after failing a random drug test.  Early this past Thursday morning Casey drove through a stop sign in front of a police car.  He subsequently failed a breathalyzer test and was arrested.  While Casey was in trouble with the law, he was in ever deeper "hot water" with dad. 

Many parents would have rushed to their child's aid, bailed them out and then ushered them home to that protective environment.  But Stan Pachall is not such a parent.  He's probably learned from his experience as a Texas State Trooper.  Stan and his wife let Casey sit in his cell until the afternoon.  After Casey's release, Stan made a brief statement to reporters.  "He's got a lot of responsibility riding on his shoulders, so he needs to be responsible for himself.  Now we're going to start that journey and see where it leads."

Instead of taking him home to that protective environment, they dropped him off on campus.  If you question that action just think about this: He's the starting quarterback on one of the top football teams in the country and now he has to face his peers knowing he screwed up and let them down.  Part of the responsibility that Stan Pachall was talking about is facing your peers, knowing they were counting on you.  Would Casey have experienced that while isolated in his parent's home?

Fifteenth ranked TCU will play Iowa State today.  Casey has been suspended by coach Gary Patterson, but he will still be on the sidelines.  I know some people are upset at this, but in my mind it is all part of teaching him responsibility.  He has to face his teammates knowing he let them down.  If the team loses, he has to accept part of the blame.  If they win, it proves he's not irreplaceable.  Would he have the same experience if he watched the game on TV at home?

We still don't know what Casey Pachall's future is  at TCU, but I do know this: When it comes to being disciplined I think I would rather face my football coach, than a dad who is determined to teach his son to be accountable for his actions. 

Stan Pachall has given all parents an example of how to teach kids to be more responsible.