The Value of Family

I recently returned from two family reunions. My family, minus brother David who had an emergency in his wife's family, gathered in Pennsylvania. Barb's family met in Grand Rapids, Michigan to celebrate the 25th anniversary of her sister and brother-in-law. It seems that I value these events more and more as I grow older. They seem far too short and not frequent enough for me.

It was our choice to move to Texas and away from extended family twenty-two years ago. I think our kids have turned out OK even though they haven't had the support system of family close by. We have depended on other adults to mentor our kids. Still I value the relationships we as family have with the uncles, aunts and cousins around the country. I especially cherish the time spent with my mom (age 89) and her brother, Don, (87). They are all that we have left of the previous generation.

One of the realities of the world we live is our mobility. We often tend to live apart from immediate family. We rely on the ease of travel to allow us to gather for holidays and to mark family celebrations. The reality is, we need personal contact to insure the continuation of family heritage and faith traditions. The internet does allow us to connect with friends and family around the country. I admit that I do stay in touch with extended family that way. We also try to talk on the phone on a regular basis. But none of those are a substitute for face-to-face, personal conversation.

Make sure that your extended family is a part of your children's life. Each of us has a story to tell. Make sure those you love have the opportunity to share theirs.

I've Seen That Look Before

I have been on the road for over a week so I am a little behind in my blogging. It's not that I haven't wanted to write, I have wanted to address one particular issue numerous times. The topic is Lindsay Lohan and her jail sentence.

Those who know me probably find this a bit strange, maybe even humorous. When it comes to Hollywood personalities, I plead total ignorance, but there is one image of Miss Lohan that I cannot get out of my head. It's the expression on her face when the judge announced the jail sentence.

I don't know Lindsay Lohan. I understand she was a good childhood actress who has made some poor choices in recent years. While I am not familiar with her, I do know the expression. I saw it countless times during my years as a school counselor. It usually came after a student was confronted with the evidence, and the reality that there would be consequences. Sometimes it was because we had discovered drugs in their locker, or maybe they had cheated on a test. The look was usually accompanied a shocked expression conveying, "This can't be happening to me." What followed was usually a rationalization for the behavior and a promise that if they are let off it won't happen again. Tears also flowed as part of the emotional outburst. Somewhere along the lines they hope they can arouse sympathy, maybe even some guilt.

Don't fall into the trap. What is the old expression? Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me. This was not a first offense for Miss Lohan. She has fooled us and the authorities numerous times. Shame on the system for not giving her a strong dose of reality once before. It is only when she is confronted with the reality of her addictive behavior that Lindsay Lohan has any chance at all of turning her life around.

All parents need to have their radar up to detect any at risk behavior. Such behavior needs to be confronted and dealt with. No amount of emotional drama should ever deter a parent from doing what they have to do to address the issue and stop the behavior.

If Lindsay Lohan is lacking for anything, it's for people in her life who will hold her accountable.

The Gap in College Planning

I had a conversation with the son of a good friend early last fall. I knew he was beginning his senior year. When I asked about his future plans his response surprised me. "I have a list of six or seven schools that sound good." I inquired as to which ones he had visited. "None so far, but we going to do that sometime soon and then I'll start applying." When I asked about how much help his school counselor had been his response troubled me. "Unless your in the top ten percent or a kids who's got issues, she doesn't even know who you are." I know from experience that my young friend was behind the eight ball. His grades are good and he's a great kid but he has no sense of vision.

I spent eleven years as a school counselor. I every fall I would teach a careers class, a required elective for all juniors. We started with an interest inventory and aptitude tests. We moved on to looking at career options that matched. Students would then search for schools that offered majors that fit their needs and academic level. Before they finished they had visited multiple schools and narrowed thing down to three to five schools. After that class I handed them off to my colleague who guided them through the rest of the process. The goals was that they came back for their senior year ready to fill-out the applications and apply for scholarships. Annually, most of our students went off to college, prepared. A few would opt for community colleges and trade schools, others would enlist in the military, but they all had a plan. What I discovered is that once kids had a vision and plan in place, they faced their studies with a new sense of purpose.

All of this came to mind when I read an article in USA Today one day last week. The article focused on urban schools, particularly in chicago. "... only 38% of the top-ranked students enrolled in a college with admissions criteria that matched their academic qualifications." The article referred to a study done by the University of Chicago. One fact that stood out. The Association of School Counselors recommends a student to counselor ratio of 250/1. The national average is 467/1, with some district it's 1000/1.

Parents need to be on top of this issue. They need to discuss future plans with their teens. Junior year needs to be the time for planning and visiting schools. By the time they enter their senior year they need to have a short list of three to five school to which they are going to apply. When it comes to scholarships, no stone should be left unturned. I would always tell kids, once you have a vision you should be doing something every day to make that a reality. The part-time jobs and books and magazines a teen reads can prepare them for the future. Even video games can help them learn. There are simulation programs on engneering and architecture, as well as ways to gain business experience.

Don't assume that the school your child attends is going to provide all the help they need.