Dead Man Talk

I just finished a remarkable book titled Raising Cole. The author is Marc Pittman. His son, Cole Pittman was a football player for the University of Texas Longhorns. Cole was killed in an auto accident. The book is about the unique relationship the Marc Pittman had with his sons and how that relationship got him through the difficult grief process.

Marc Pittman has a very unique style of parenting. He was the product of a rough upbringing. A builder by trade, he loved the outdoors and had even, on a dare, wrestled a bear. His personality was shown in the unusual relationship he had with his sons, Cole and Chase. Two aspects of that relationships really impacted me.

One is the term "Love Wars." It involved verbally expressing, "I love you," to each other. The war part comes from the fact that each individual tries to prove they love the other more deeply. In other words, they try to go out of their way to express affection in radical ways. Not exactly what you would expect from a 300 lb. football player.

The other aspect of their relationship was "Dead man talk." It draws its meaning from the concept that dead men can't tell secrets. Marc Pittman and his son Cole shared everything. During long discussions they would talk about fears and regrets. It was also a time of confession. Marc Pittman sincerely believed he know everyone of Cole's secrets. The son felt comfortable sharing his thoughts because they we sealed with a vow of secrecy.

I really would encourage you to read the book Raising Cole. It's an outstanding story. In many ways it touched me like Ron Hall's book Same Kind of Different as Me. More importantly, I would encourage you to be honest with your kids. When you share your struggles and inner feeling with them, you give them the freedom to do the same. You are also building a relationship that will be capable of weathering all of life's storms.

Wanting to Rush The Finished Product

I still build model cars. I am a NASCAR fan so I usually buy kits that feature race cars that have some historical value or special meaning to me. OK, tell me I am still a kid at heart. In actuality it one way I pass the time while watching the races on TV each weekend.

Each kits starts with close to a hundred parts, many of the quite small. I am grateful for the instructions that take me step by step through the building process. I am often tempted to just look at the picture on the box and just proceed. Afterall, I've built models before. But I've learned to follow the directions and not skip steps. There is a reason behind every step and why they are placed in that order. To try to rush things, skips steps and do it myself, could ruin the project.

I thought of that this morning as I watch a small segmnt of Good Morning America. It featured a mom who is grooming her two year old daughter to be a beauty queen. I guess in this warpped, self obsorbed world, there are even have beauty contest for toddlers. I am sure this mom means well. As I recall they said she was a teacher by trade. But give me a break. I think she was looking at the picture of the finished project, what she wants her daughter to become, and skipping some steps along the way.

Previously I've written about the danger of living our dreams vicariously through our kids. I see this as another example. It's not a danger limited to the athletic field. The dream scould be of our child as a singer, actor or professional model. When we do that, we want to rush the process. Plan things out now, our way. The danger is that our broken dream becomes their nightmare and in the process we rob them of their childhood.

Give your kids a hug today, and then set them free to pursue their dreams. Don't force your broken dreams on them.

The Things I Learned at Disney World

I am just back from seven days at Disney World. Barb and I recently celebrated forty years of marriage. Trip was our way of celebrating with our kids and grandkids. Nine of us spent seven nights in a two bedroom condo. Speaking for myself, I think we came away loving each other more. Our oldest son Peter and his wife, Amy, have three little boys; Little being defined as under the age of six. Observing them in action for a week I must say I was impressed. They might be the ultimate tag team. Yes, grandma and I stayed back at the resort most evenings so the young people could go out and some fun.

I had not been to the Magic Kingdom before. One of the things that surprised me was the number of international travelers. During my first two days I met families from The UK, Scotland, The Netherlands, Peru, Costa Rica and Brazil. I stopped trying to keep track. One thing I concluded was that international families have a very different style of parenting. I witnessed more family discussion and saw much more unity among those from other cultures. Even the large youth groups, some numbers 50+, seemed well behaved and disciplined. Perhaps it is because the international travelers are from the higher economic class, only they could probably afford such a trip.

International families seemed to treat each other with respect. I saw a lot of serious conversation and listening, as opposed to many American parents who seemed to take the "my way or the highway," approach.

I did come away with a list of the three worst examples of parenting (yes I actually heard these);

1. "If you don't knock if off we'll go back to the hotel." (Yeah right, that's the reason we spent all that money to get into this park.)
2. "If you don't stop it, I'll break your arm!" (I think I will let Child Protective Services handle that one.)
3. "You are acting just like your father." (And you mom, remind me of a member of the gestapo.)

Please think about your parenting style before you go out in public. Our country needs to imporve our image.