On the Fifth Day of Christmas

OK, I will admit to a case of the Post-Christmas Blues this morning. After four days of celebrating our Lord's Birth surrounded by our kids and grandkids, the house is quiet this morning. It's back to just grandma and myself. I look forward to the holidays because I cherish the family time. It's natural for me to feel a let-down once it's past. So, how does one combat the Post-Christmas Blues?

I try to focus on the fact that Christmas is a season, rather than a single day event. One of the more popular Christmas Carols is The Twelve Days of Christmas. It's one of my favorites because it underscores a little known fact. Christmas is a twelve day season running from December 25th to January 6th. January 6th is Epiphany, the day most of the Christian world celebrates Christ's Birth. For that reason the decorations in and around our house stay up until that day.

In actuality, Christ's birth is an event that needs to be celebrated on a daily basis. December 25th is just an arbitrary date. The actual date of Christ's birth is not known, so technically we can celebrate it any day. The same for Christ's resurrection. What a neat privilege we have! Christ's birth gives us joy. Christ's resurrection gives us hope. We have a reason to celebrate every day.

That is part of the legacy we need to pass on to our children. The best way to do that is to live it. Live each day with a sense of joy and hope. When others, especially the members of our family, see that it becomes our witness to them. It's another way of passing on the heritage of faith.

What is Your Christmas Story?

What is your personal Christmas story? I am referring to a memory from a Christmas past, as opposed to the events surrounding our Savior's birth. From my perspective Jesus coming into the world as an infant born to a virgin is much more than a story. That's "The Christmas Miracle."

My mind is flooded with memories of Christmases pasts. One of my earliest memories happened when I was a child of probably four or five. I guess I had an angelic singing voice in those days, at least in the mind of my grandmother who had connections with the Sunday school superintendent. I was picked to sin a solo, the second verse of Away in the Manger, in the children's Christmas service at our church. My great grandmother had died earlier that year. As a motivation, my grandmother told me to sing loud so that Great Grandma Schild could hear me. I spent my entire time in the spotlight focused on the church balcony searching for my great grandmother's face. I guess I assumed since she was in heaven she had to be watching from someplace above.

I remember Christmas concerts at our church, St. James Lutheran Church in Grosse Pointe, Michigan. Our choir director, Carl Munzel, was a stern disciplinarian. I sang in the children's choir. We spent months preparing our three pieces. It was always three, the Trinitarian number. I recall one concert taking my place in the second row only to look out and see Miss Ketry, my 5th grade teacher, sitting in the front row. What was she doing there? I went to a public school. Such a mean-spirited tormentor of children had no business in any church, especially mine. I guess somewhere along the line I acquired a concept of the Gospel to go with my youthful legalism. Miss Ketry needed to hear the Good News just like I did.

I have so many memories of Christmas from my youth. Church and family were always in the middle of it. Those are the stories that I have shared with our children. Now they enjoy telling stories about our family's celebration of our Lord's Nativity. Many of the ornaments on our tree have individual stories behind them. Many represent significant events in our lives, others are gifts from friends. Some were lovingly made by our kids as pre-schoolers. Each year one of the first things our children look for is the Magi. In the manger scene under our tree the Magi don't arrive until Epiphany. Each year they take a different route to get there, moving closer each day. At this moment they are journeying across the mantel. Oh, and Jesus is hidden too. He appears between Mary and Joseph on Christmas Eve.

I am sure your family has traditions as well. You will probably create some new memories this Christmas, but take time to share memories of Christmases past too. That's your heritage of faith, the legacy you need to pass on to the next generation. We have a Savior. He came in the form of a baby, The Son of God who came into the world to save us from our sins. That's much more than a story. It's our Christmas miracle.

Self Serving Coaches

As a family we are college football fans. We've been TCU Horn Frog season ticket holders for years. This has been a fun season. It's been a great season for a number of teams. Four major college teams, in addition to TCU, remain undefeated.

One of those teams is the Cincinnati Bearcats but they are in an unusual position. They have lost their head coach. The University of Cincinnati players dedicated themselves to a goal. They worked hard and their commitment paid off. The reward is a trip to a BCS Bowl where they will play the Florida Gators. They will do so without their coach, Brian Kelly. Coach Kelly resigned to accept the head coaching position at Notre Dame. Kelly described it as his "dream job." We should not be surprised that Coach Kelly deserted his player to pursue his dream. Unfortunately he is typical of many adults who work with kids. I use the word "Kids" because that is what college athletes are. They are student athletes. In this case, the kids had their hearts broken. Many walked out of their final meeting with Coach Kelly angry. They knew what a traitor looked like when they saw one. They had committed themselves to a cause and they thought their coach had too. Instead a better offer came along and he left them "high and dry."

We should not be surprised. In his book Hurt: Inside the World of Today's Teenagers, Chap Clark writes about the heartaches caused by self-serving adults. "Whether it is a coach, school teacher, a parent, music teacher, or a Sunday school counselor, midadolescents (high school teens) intuitively believe that nearly every adult they have encountered has been subtly out to get something from them." Such adults could be a little league coach obsessed with winning at all cost or a teacher whose only goal is to help students pass the standardize test so their job remains secure.

So, what is a parent to do in order to insulate their child from a self-serving adults? It starts early. They need to get to know every adult who is in a position of influence over their child. It's important that all of those individuals share similar values and perspectives. Sure, when it comes to people like school teachers, it really is a matter of the luck of the draw. But in other cases parents do have control. Parents can dictate the role that coaches, church youth counselors and scout leaders play in the lives of their kids. If they love their kids, they will surround them with adults who share that sentiment.

Most importantly, it must start with you. The needs and the development of your child must be your #1 priority.

Do Tiger Woods and His Wife Know Jesus?

It has been a week since we first heard of Tiger Woods' accident. It's a story that doesn't seem to go away. I will admit some initial fasination. I have never been a Tiger Woods fan, probably for the same reason I don't cheer for the Yankees and Jimmie Johnson. I have always had a heart for the underdog and a certain disdain for those who seem to win all the time. It's never been anything against Tiger personally. As more details came out my question became, Do Tiger and his wife, Elin, know Jesus?

I have to give Tiger credit for taking the sole responsibility for his actions. He is also saying all the right things, "I have let my family down and regret those transgressions with all my heart." He further states that he has, "not been true to his values." The word, "transgressions" sounds like a confession to me. That indicates to me that he has "come clean" with those who love him and who he has let down. Tiger is right when he states this should be a private matter.

Confession and absolution should always be a private matter. It's should be between the sinner and the person they have hurt and offended. For a Christian that goes beyond our earthly relationships to our Heavenly Father who also has been grieved and offended by our actions. Such confession adds a whole new demension. God is always more forgiving to the repentant sinner than friends and family. God not only fogives but He forgets. This side of heaven those transgressions will always be on our minds, casting a certain shadow over a relationship.

There is another aspect here. God's love is unconditional and his desire is that we love the same way. That's why the story of the Forgiving Father (Luke 15:11-32) is my favorite parable. The Father in the story was always waiting for the sons return. When it happened, he didn't ask questions. He just forgave and then celebrated. If Tiger and his wife are going to get through this with their marriage intact, unconditional love will have to be present. It sounds to me like Tiger has confessed with a repentant heart. Now it's time for forgiving, healing and eventually celebrating. Without Christ in their lives, that will never be fully complete.

There is no better model of God's Grace and Forgiveness than the Christian family. The primary responsibility in making that happen lies with mom and dad. Everybody makes mistakes. Teenager, because of their nature, are probably more prone to transgression than others. Our kids are always are kids, however. No sin should ever become a permanent barrier. Hold them accountable and wait for the confession. Sometimes that takes years but when it comes... forgive.

Social Networking

Our cyber society seems to have created a whole new set of issues. Many parents have brought up the topic of cyber bulling, using the internet or cell phone to post inappropriate or intimidating comments about others. I have also heard complaints about kids who run up high charges for texting.

I have a Facebook account myself. It's a great way to stay in touch with friends and family, but it's hard not to be concerned about some of the pictures posted by young friends. Some border on being provocative, even suggestive.

It seems to me that a lot of the problems could be solved just by parental supervision. Parents need to constantly moniter what is posted and what is being discussed. We had a social network when I was growing up. I remember evenings when there were as many as a dozen kids gathered on, or around, our front porch. Was the conversation always appropriate? No way, and neither was the behavior at times. But my parents were always within ear shot. Sometimes my mom's face would appear in the door and all it took was her look. Other times my dad would open the door and let us know our conversation was inappropriate. That was quickly followed with an apology. There were other nights my parents joined us. Nobody complained or left. It was an accepted fact that it was their house.

Secondly, there needs to be guidelines. If there's a problem that could mean restrictions. Maybe that means limiting the time on the internet, or controling the number of texts allowed per week. Sure, it might be met with resistence but parents need to remember who is in charge.

Lastly, there needs to be conversation. I know a lot of parents who respond to their kids text with another text. Why not ask for a phone call? It is a cell phone! Why not ask them to call instead of sending a text. That opens the door for a conversation. The tone of voice could also alert us to a potential problem. Parents need to look for other opportunities to have a conversation with their kids as well.

The cyber world we live in is a reality. It is what it is. We can't change it and go back to a simpler time. We can, however, control the influence it has on our lives.

Mistakes are Good

Another national publication has focused on the issue of over-protective parents, aka helicopter parents. The cover story of this week's Time Magazine is The Case Against Over-Parenting.

Some of this over-protectiveness is out of concern for their child's safety and welfare. It is an evil world and we hear daily of children who have been victimized. The Time article also focuses on another root cause for parents to be over-protective. They can't handle their kids failure.



We've heard stories of parents who take it to the extreme when their child fails to make the team or cheerleading squad. I've had college admissions folks tell me that a required skill is the ability to distinguish which admissions essays have been written by someone other than the student applicant. It runs much deeper than this, however.



The Time article reports on one Kansas elementary school that has issued a "no rescue" policy. It was instituted after the principal noticed a table in the office covered with lunch boxes and notebooks brought in my parents whose child had left them behind. "The tipping point," the prinicipal noted, "was when a mom rushed in with a necklace meant to complete her daughters coordinated outfit.

Lessons from NASCAR

I am a NASACR fan. Some, including members of my own family, think I am obsessed with it. I do have my share of NASCAR apparel, including a somewhat colorful racing jacket. I also have large collection of 1/24 scale cars and a race scanner I take to the track. I have an autographed picture of my favorite driver, Bobby Labonte, hanging in my office. I have the link to his website listed as a favorite on my computer. I also know his vital statistics, his family history and the name of his wife, that would be Donna, and kids, that would be Robbie and Madison.

I guess my love for NASCAR, and racing in general, goes back to growing up in The Motor City, Detroit. I have always enjoyed watching races but when they built a new track only 45 minutes from my house, it was just too convenient. When I attended my first race, I was hooked. There is no adrenalin rush like watching, and hearing, forty-three stock cars take the green flag.

Some things I like about NASCAR: The parking is free and they let you carry in your own coolers with food and drinks. More, importantly, I like the family values. The NASACR Circuit really is a city on wheels. The drivers and their families travel together and stay clustered together in their motor homes at the track. Before the race you can see the families hanging out together. They support each other and remain friends away from the track.

There is also a spiritual side to NASCAR. What other major sports begins each race with an invocation (prayer), before the singing of the National Anthem. This isn't just a token "nod to God" either. The Gospel is almost always presented. Raceway Ministries meets the spiritual needs of the NASCAR family as they cross the country. Chapel services are held each Sunday and many of the race teams include Bible study as part of their weekly schedule.

So why am I including this information on my blog? NASCAR was in town last weekend and I had the opportunity to take my son, Peter, and two oldest grandsons, Andrew and Caleb, to the track for the first time. We had an awesome night watching the Truck Series. I am sure we will be going back many more times. I think they have caught my passion. Even two year old, Jonathan, will line up his cars and then announce, "Gentleman, Start Your Engines."

I only pray that I am even more passionate about sharing my faith in Jesus Christ, with the boys. It's great to have a sport where my interest and my faith are connected.

Helicopter Parents

A column in today's Dallas Morning News, Parents, Park Your Helicopters," caught my eye. I have always enjoyed reading Steve Blow's thoughts. Today was great example.

Steve reflected on a visit with a friend who is an educator. The person used the term Helicopter parents, a reference to those who feel an intense need to be overly protective of their children. Such individual feel a need to swoop in anytime their child is in trouble and intervene on their behalf. Being concerned about your child is one thing, having the desire to step in everytime they are in trouble is another. The later is just not healthy.

During a workshop I was doing on Sunday, one dad shared an experience from his work. He is in a position where he is involved in interviewing recent college graduates who are applying for jobs. He noted that it is not uncommon to have a parent accompany them on the interview. That is being a "Helicoptor Parent!"

I truly believe that we raise our kids to let them go. Our goal is for them to be successful, self supporting adults. The best way to do that is to set them free to set their own goals and make their own decisions. It means transitioning to the role of consultant, rather than manager as our children develop.

Church and Family

I am reading a very insightful book titled Think Orange. The author is Reggie Joiner. The concept behind the book is that the color orange is the result of the blending of the colors red and yellow. The result is a bold new color and dynamic change. Reggie Joiner notes that both the church and familis are at a crossroads. In his words, "The church is losing its influence and the home is losing its heart."

I could not agree more. I also know that the two institutions, church and family, share a common goal; that is pointing people to Jesus. Churches that lose that focus will ulitimately die. Families that lose that focus are on the road to eventual ruin as well. Church and family must blend together.

The sad reality is that for many families church remains just another activity. God did not intend for the family to be that way. In fact, his intent was that the family, not the church, be the primary vehicle for passing on the heritage of faith. When Martin Luther wrote the Small Catechism, he intended that parents, not the church, use it to instruct their children.

We invest a lot of time and energy into making sure our children's future is secure. We save and invest so that they will receive a good education and their financial future is secure. But what about their eternal future? Unlike all the matierial things we give out kids, personal relationship with Jesus Christ, can never be stolen and won't ever break or wear out.

The Balloon Boy

Everyone else is talking about the Balloon Boy in Colorado Springs, I guess it's my turn.

In my recently released book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents Do To Screw-Up Their Kids, I identify living our dreams vicariously through out kids as one mistake parents make. That is not the case here, however. From my perspective this is a case of a parent living their personal dreams at the expense of their kids.

The dad in this case, Richard Heene, is like a character from a Disney movie. He views himself as a innovator and explorer. He enjoys edgy adventures, like storm chasing. There is nothing wrong with that. We need those kind of people so that the envelope is constantly being pushed in terms of technology. The problem here is that his kids have become the victims in his quest for adventure.

Unfortunarely this happens more often than we think. The problem is it takes a major public folly to move it to the forefront. When a parents personal passion impacts the life of their kids, that's a problem. It might be a career decision, accepting a position in another state because it advances out career even though it disrupts the family. Or perhaps it's a passion for a sport like golf; The time spent on the course takes away from quality family time. I am not saying there is something wrong with playing golf or changing jobs. What needs to be considered is; How does my decision impact those I love?

I bet Richard Heene wishes he had considered how his decision would impact his family before he launched his dream balloon.

College Students and Their Faith

I have listened to a number of parents express concern about the worship habits and faith of their college age children. This is nothing new. I recall my own college days. I went to a school where a majority of the students were preparing for some kind of full-time ministry but Sunday church attendance was usually less than 50%. That didn't mean religion wasn't a hot topic. I remember many late-night discussion. We took many classes on theology but I probably got more out of the dorm room debates. `

Parents need to remember that one's faith is always a work in progress. People move through faith stages, just like they do cognitive and social stages. Most teenagers are in the Synthetic-Conventional Stage. For the most part they have inherited the faith of their parents. They are usually the products of some kind of religious instruction that has enlightened them in the basic tenets of that faith tradition. Knowledge does not equal faith, however. During the young adult years most people develop an Individual-Reflective Faith. They often step away from the religious traditions of their childhood. In the process they might consider, and even try other faith perspectives. Yes, there is always the risk that they will lose their faith. Scary, you bet!

So, what is a Christian parent to do?

Be a spiritual sojourner yourself. It's not enough just to attend worship on a regular basis. People, especially your kids, should see you in God's Word regularly. Bible study, both within a group and personal setting are both vital. You need to be honest about your own spiritual struggles. The strongest witness you can give your kids is by allowing them to see how you handle crisis. If you remain strong in your faith during the tough times, you are providing them with an excellent model.

At all times, faith is a very personal thing.

Adult Mentors

The world today's children grow up in is vastly different from the one that nurtured my generation. I grew up in a neighborhood where my grandparents lived just blocks away. Five additional aunts and uncles also lived with a mile of our house. I can add friends at church, including my confirmation sponsor who I still see every time I am home and go to church with my mom. The bottom line is, In addition to my parents there were numerous significant adults in my life. Since we live in Texas and our roots are up north, our own kids never had the benefit of having grandparents and other relatives close by. Who are the significant adults in the lives of your kids?

An article in yesterday's Dallas Morning News focused on the impact mentors are having on low income students in the City of Irving, Texas. Local churches are partnering with neighboring schools to provide adult mentors who work one-on-one with students. While the emphasis is on academic help, the adult mentors provide much more. Mentors provide personal support and serve as role models.

The impact of adult mentors is a proven fact. A study by the University of Illinois-Chicago, focused on urban youth. Students who worked with a mentor were more successful in school and also were less likely to become involved in violent behavior. Such student had a higher self esteem and were more likely to attend college.

Mentors are not just for youth who live in low income communities. All kids need significant adults, other than their parents, involved in their lives. Teachers, coaches and church youth leaders all can make excellent mentors. Most mentoring relationships develop naturally over a period of time. Teens are drawn to adults who not only share an interest but who show a personal concern for them. While you can't hand pick your child's mentor, you can monitor the relationships they have with other adults. It's important that the other significant adults in their lives share similar values to yours and also have the best interest of your child at heart.

Mentors do make a difference.

Never Too Late

I recently spent ten days on the road including some invaluable time in Detroit visiting my eighty-seven year old mom. While this wasn't a tour promoting my new book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents do to Screw-Up Their Kids, I didn't hesitate to talk about the project with anyone who would listen.



When I gave my business card to one young man he commented that it was too late for him and wife. When I inquired about the age of his daughter he said she was thirteen. I tried to assure him that in spite of what he saw, "the final die had not been cast." It's never to late too make mid-course directions in an attempt to change a relationship. I contrast that man with another middle-age individual I spoke with. He had recently reconciled with this daughter who is now in her mid-twenties. She had recently come back into his life after almost five years of seperation. She had apologized for making such poor choices in her teen and college years and for all the grief she had caused him and his wife.



There are two lessons here:



Today is the day to begin to work on the relationship we have with our kids. It should begin with open communication. We need to say, "I love you," more. When we express that feeling, we need to back it up by telling them how much and why we care about them. We also need to be honest when their behavior hurts or concerns us. That doesn't mean threatening them with punishment. There also is no room for anger when we talk about it. A simple "I message" is best. "When you __________ it makes me feel ___________ because ____________." Your message might be, "When you got a ticket for speeding I got scared because I don't want you to get hurt in an accident."



The second lesson is the importance of unconditional love. No matter what our kids do, they are still our kids. Over the course of human history people have done all kinds of cruel things to each other. All of those things are offensive to the God who created us. In spite of that, God still loves us. When you are frustrated with your teenager, read Luke 15:11-24 and marvel at the love of that father. That's God's expectation for us.



Like in our relationship with God, it's never too late to turn things around.

Embracing Conflict

I spent yesterday morning with a group of middle school students discussing how best to deal with conflicts. Even though they were in the last few hours of a twenty-four hour lock-in, the kids were engaged. Maybe it was the fact that I followed a shaving cream fight but I also think it had something to do with the topic. Conflicts are a reality. If two people spend any time together, there will be conflicts. The Bible is only four chapters old when Cain kills his brother Abel as the result of a conflict.

I think the reason kids have a problem dealing with conflicts is because we as a society have a problem with it. Most parents are not good role models when it comes to handling conflict. The options are usually to flee or to fight. When we flee a conflict we are ignoring it, hoping it will go away. When we fight it we are confronting it, working out the differences. Unfortunately most of us continue to flee until things get so bad that we have to fight. By then, it's often to late to salvage the relationship because of all the accumulated baggage.

I encouraged my young friends yesterday to embrace conflict. We need to see conflicts as a growth point. It is also an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and others. In conflicts we tend to focus on our needs. When we embrace conflict we listen to the needs of others and seek to blend those with our needs to find a solution that satisfies both parties.

Discipline Not Punishment

In my recently released book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents Do To Screw-Up Their Kids, I dedicate one of the early chapters to the difference between punishment and discipline. I discovered this weekend I am not the first person who has written about the issue. One of my favorite Christian authors is Walter Wangerin Jr. Walt has a way of telling a story but more than that he relates God's grace to real life in a dynamic fashion. There is a personal connection for me in that Walt's younger brother was my freshman dorm counselor in college and their dad was one of my professors. When our son Mark was at Valparaiso University, Walt became his favorite professor. Wangerin relates three steps to discipline: 1) Anticipate the sin, 2) In the very instant of the sin, shine the light on it, 3) Heal the hurt. Wangerin uses the example of Peter's denial and Jesus' restoration.

The author of Hebrews addresses the topic in Hebrews 12. He writes that we are to, "endure hardship as discipline." God disciplines us in the same was a father disciplines his son, notes the author. Through discipline, God shapes and molds us into what He wants us to be. It can be painful, but in the end productive. Punishment only seeks to stop a behavior. Discipline uses the sin, as a teachable moment. Consider the following example:

Suppose you give your middle school daughter permission to spend Saturday afternoon at the home of some friends from school. In the middle of the afternoon you get a phone call from the security office at a local mall. It seems that your daughter and her friends have been caught shoplifting. The girls had decided they were bored so they hitched a ride to the mall. On arrival at the mall, you learn that your daughter was only an accessory and did not actually take anything, but she was there. She is released to you with only a reprimand from the authorities. How you respond when you get home is vital if you want this to be a learning experience. Punishment would mean sending your daughter to her room and grounding her for the next four weekend. You might also add, "And don't even think about going back to the mall until you are old enough to drive yourself. Mission Accomplished: The behavior will stop... at least temporarily. Discipline requires sitting down and discussing what took place and the potential implications. Walk you daughter through the decisions that led to her being there. Talk about what she could have done differently. Help your daughter understand the possible consequences. There's a good chance the other girls are going to talk about the incident at school on Monday. What is that going to do to her reputation? What will her teachers and coaches think when they hear about it? Lastly, discuss what kinds of structure you are going to put in place to assure that it doesn't happen again. Yes, there still might be some punishment but even there you might negotiate that with them. You might be surprised to learn sometimes kids are harder on themselves than we are on them.

Discipline is an important aspect of parenting. It's playing a role in helping them become what God intended them to be.

Parental Expectations

We are at the beginning of another school year. For parents and students both, this provides the opportunity for a fresh start, and perhaps new and higher expectations. For many parents this is also a time for transitions. No right of passage is more significant than the one from high school to college. I visited with three families experiencing such a transition at church yesterday. It brought back memories of the long ride home after dropping off our kids in their first college dorms.

I recently came across some data released by the Iowa based testing company ACT that I think parents of college freshmen need to keep in mind when setting their expectations. Across the board ACT tests scores have remained at the same level over the last few years. Maximum score on the ACT test is 36 and the average test score in all four subject areas tested ranges from 20.6 (English) to 21.4 (Reading). "We've got a lot of work to do," noted ACT President, Cynthia Schmeiser. For example, 40% of students were unable to use the correct adverb or adjective form in a sentence. 30% were unable to evaluate the contribution that significant details make to a text as a whole.

Based on those test results, maintaining a "C" average as a college freshmen might be the best we can hope for, in many cases. My experience as a parent and also high school counselor, also tells me that freshmen year is more a matter of survival. Typically a student's college GPA will go up as they move through the college years. Part of this is due to students learning how to manage their lives and part to being able to focs on classes that really apply to them and their career goals.

The beginning of a school year is a great time to sit down with your student and discuss their expectation for the future with them. What kind of vision have they cast for themselves. What current objectives have they set that will help them reach their long-term goals. Grades, whether they be in high school or college, are only a part of that the big pictures. Unrealistic expectations could not only lead to disappointment but can hurt a relationship.

Teen Sexting

With the beginning of a new school year the issue of sexting and the posting of suggestive photos on the internet is back in the news. Two local DFW school districts have specifically band texting and the general use of cell phones during the school day. Administrators for other districts have expressed concern over the material posted on student's web pages. During my years as a school counselor I regularly had to deal with this issue. Sometimes it was a parent who brought it to my attention. Other times it was one of my colleagues, some of whom out of a sincere concern for kids monitored the internet social network. Rarely did kids "blow the whistle" on their peers.

Typically the incident unfolded this way. Any adult would walk into my office and place an envelope or file folder on my desk. "Have you seen this?" they would ask. A glance at the material helped me to understand their concern. Ninety percent of the time it was a female student in some kind of a suggestive pose. My mental response was usually, "what were they thinking." My next step was always to contact the parent of the student and request that they stop by. I knew better than to approach the topic without them viewing the evidence. "My "sweet" daughter would never do anything like that." With the actual photo in front of them it was difficult for them to dispute the issue. At that point I would usually hand the evidence over to them and let them deal with it. I knew I wasn't done with it, however. In the ensuing days I would usually get the cold shoulder from the teen. Only on rare occasions did they really express what they were thinking, "You've got no right to control what I do in private."

We do have a responsibility to protect kids. Oft times the enemy is themselves. Truth is, they just don't think things through. The tempting photos they post for their friends to see sends a message to the opposite sex. Unfortunately that audience could include some perverted adults. Teenagers are vulnerable enough without increasing it by posting suggestive pictures of themselves.

As a parent, you are responsible for monitoring you teenagers internet and cell phone activity. That can be done by regularly asking them to show you what's there. Is it a violation of their privacy? Yes, but you are the parent and adult. In most cases you are paying the bills or have bought the computer they are using. Ultimately, it is your responsibility. If they object, take away the privilege or cancel the service. The reality is our kids are at risk.

Road Rage and Suppressed Anger

An incident of road rage made the news in the DFW area over the weekend. Unfortunately we've become accustomed to these occurences. Usually they happen on urban freeways or at an intersection in the ghetto. This one, however, took place in the drive-thru lane at a Chick-Fil-a Restuarant in affluent Southlake. A couple were attempting to leave the pick-up window when their path was blocked by a $200,000 Bentley. Tempers flared and the two men in the Bentley assaulted the women in the passengers seat. My guess is the police will have no problem tracking down the thugs. Even in Southlake there are not a lot of Bentleys.



Road rage is a symptom of a greater problem. As a society, we do not know how to handle conflict. Suppressed anger eventually will lead to an irrational act.


Let's consider the iceburg. We only see the tip. Eighty to ninety percent of the iceburg lies beneath the surface. In the case of the Titanic, it was the portion of the iceburg below the surface that sank the ship. So it with with our anger. The suppressed anger below the surface results in the irrational behavior we eventually see.

We recently spent a week at Disney World with our three pre-school age grandsons. We expected to have some moment of tension. You can't have nine people together for a full week and not have conflicts. Yes, the little boys did throw some tantrums. We could deal with those. Children are not equipped to deal with their emotions in an appropriate way. Adults on the other hand should be so equipped.

One of the appropriate ways is to deal with small conflicts as they occur. When small conflicts are allowed to build below the surface we risk having them come out in an inappropriate manner. My guess is that the two gentlemen in the Bentley were carrying a lot of emotional baggage in their personal trunks.

So, what does this mean to us as parents? We need to be models of how to appropriately deal with conflict. In the relationship with our teens, we are the ones who are probably better equipped to deal with our emotions. Secondly, we can use news stores such as the current one, to talk about the issue of anger and the appropriate ways to deal with it, with our teenagers.

Josh Hamilton and Life Lessons

Another lesson from the world of baseball: On Saturday Texas Ranger, Josh Hamilton, met with the media and admitted that he had "fallen off the wagon" and gone on a drinking binge during the off season. For those not familiar with his story, Josh was one of the top prospects in baseball until drugs and alcohol side-tracked his career. Since turning his life around in 2005, he's become a strong spokesman for Jesus Christ, giving credit to The Lord for the changes in his life. You can check out his testimony on www.iamsecond.com.

As a life-long sinner, I can identify with Josh. The one difference is that to my knowledge my sins have never been posted on youtube. We all stumble. We also all live under grace. Sins confessed, are sins forgiven. "A broken and contrite heart O Lord, you will not dispise." (Psalm 51:17)

What impressed me most about Josh Hamilton's response was that he immediately took ownership of his misdeed. When he awoke the morning after his binge he immediately called Ranger General Manager, John Daniels, the office of Major League Baseball, and his personal friend and his accountability partner, Ranger Coach Johnny Narron. He also apparently confided in a couple of his teammate. That means these men kept it private and kept a vow of confidentiality for at least six months.

There are some lessons here for parents. Number one is the power of addiction and the need to discuss that with our kids. There is also a powerful lesson here in terms of forgiveness. Nobody is pointing a finger at Josh. Everyone is willing to put the incident behind them and move on. There is across the board support. Josh Hamilton is still a friend and teammate. When our kids fall short of our expectation, and yes break our hearts, they are still our kids. God still loves them and so should we.

Instant Gratification: Lessons Learned from Baseball

I am a baseball fan. My favorite team still is the Detroit Tigers but living in the DFW area, I root for the Rangers except when they are playing my team. Yesterday was the supposed trade deadline. I tracked the various deals all day long. Both the Tigers and the Rangers were in the news. The Tigers because they pulled the trigger on a big deal, the Rangers because they didn't. The team from Detroit traded two prospective pitchers to Seattle for a veteran pitcher, Jerrod Washburn. The Rangers are acknowledged to have one of the best farm systems in baseball. They have a number of great pitching prospects but they refused to trade any of them just to get one veteran who might help them win this year. I was hoping the Tigers remembered 1987. If you are a fan you know the name John Smoltz. He's a great pitcher, probably Hall of Fame material. That year the Tigers traded him for Doyle Alexander. The Tigers won their division but lost in the playoff. Doyle Alexander left and John Smoltz made history.

There is a pressure in baseball to win now. I know the Rangers felt pressure over the last couple of days to do that. The question is, do we mortgage the future to have a chance at being successful right now? The human inclination is to want immediate success. Why wait when you can have something now?

I think much of our current economic situation is the result of a desire for instant gratification. Why wait for something when we can have it now? I'll just put it on my credit card. That way I can enjoy it while I am paying it off. Our nation's consumer debt is sky high because of this line of thinking. We are also raising a generation of consumers, our kids, who expect to have the latest and the best right now.

This is an issue that needs to be discussed between you and your children. If they are old enough to ask for things, they are old enough to understand the word "no." Once you've accomplished that with them you need to sit down and explain the how and why behind the answer. There is much to be gained from learning to wait. Plan prudently and then wait on the Lord.

Dead Man Talk

I just finished a remarkable book titled Raising Cole. The author is Marc Pittman. His son, Cole Pittman was a football player for the University of Texas Longhorns. Cole was killed in an auto accident. The book is about the unique relationship the Marc Pittman had with his sons and how that relationship got him through the difficult grief process.

Marc Pittman has a very unique style of parenting. He was the product of a rough upbringing. A builder by trade, he loved the outdoors and had even, on a dare, wrestled a bear. His personality was shown in the unusual relationship he had with his sons, Cole and Chase. Two aspects of that relationships really impacted me.

One is the term "Love Wars." It involved verbally expressing, "I love you," to each other. The war part comes from the fact that each individual tries to prove they love the other more deeply. In other words, they try to go out of their way to express affection in radical ways. Not exactly what you would expect from a 300 lb. football player.

The other aspect of their relationship was "Dead man talk." It draws its meaning from the concept that dead men can't tell secrets. Marc Pittman and his son Cole shared everything. During long discussions they would talk about fears and regrets. It was also a time of confession. Marc Pittman sincerely believed he know everyone of Cole's secrets. The son felt comfortable sharing his thoughts because they we sealed with a vow of secrecy.

I really would encourage you to read the book Raising Cole. It's an outstanding story. In many ways it touched me like Ron Hall's book Same Kind of Different as Me. More importantly, I would encourage you to be honest with your kids. When you share your struggles and inner feeling with them, you give them the freedom to do the same. You are also building a relationship that will be capable of weathering all of life's storms.

Wanting to Rush The Finished Product

I still build model cars. I am a NASCAR fan so I usually buy kits that feature race cars that have some historical value or special meaning to me. OK, tell me I am still a kid at heart. In actuality it one way I pass the time while watching the races on TV each weekend.

Each kits starts with close to a hundred parts, many of the quite small. I am grateful for the instructions that take me step by step through the building process. I am often tempted to just look at the picture on the box and just proceed. Afterall, I've built models before. But I've learned to follow the directions and not skip steps. There is a reason behind every step and why they are placed in that order. To try to rush things, skips steps and do it myself, could ruin the project.

I thought of that this morning as I watch a small segmnt of Good Morning America. It featured a mom who is grooming her two year old daughter to be a beauty queen. I guess in this warpped, self obsorbed world, there are even have beauty contest for toddlers. I am sure this mom means well. As I recall they said she was a teacher by trade. But give me a break. I think she was looking at the picture of the finished project, what she wants her daughter to become, and skipping some steps along the way.

Previously I've written about the danger of living our dreams vicariously through our kids. I see this as another example. It's not a danger limited to the athletic field. The dream scould be of our child as a singer, actor or professional model. When we do that, we want to rush the process. Plan things out now, our way. The danger is that our broken dream becomes their nightmare and in the process we rob them of their childhood.

Give your kids a hug today, and then set them free to pursue their dreams. Don't force your broken dreams on them.

The Things I Learned at Disney World

I am just back from seven days at Disney World. Barb and I recently celebrated forty years of marriage. Trip was our way of celebrating with our kids and grandkids. Nine of us spent seven nights in a two bedroom condo. Speaking for myself, I think we came away loving each other more. Our oldest son Peter and his wife, Amy, have three little boys; Little being defined as under the age of six. Observing them in action for a week I must say I was impressed. They might be the ultimate tag team. Yes, grandma and I stayed back at the resort most evenings so the young people could go out and some fun.

I had not been to the Magic Kingdom before. One of the things that surprised me was the number of international travelers. During my first two days I met families from The UK, Scotland, The Netherlands, Peru, Costa Rica and Brazil. I stopped trying to keep track. One thing I concluded was that international families have a very different style of parenting. I witnessed more family discussion and saw much more unity among those from other cultures. Even the large youth groups, some numbers 50+, seemed well behaved and disciplined. Perhaps it is because the international travelers are from the higher economic class, only they could probably afford such a trip.

International families seemed to treat each other with respect. I saw a lot of serious conversation and listening, as opposed to many American parents who seemed to take the "my way or the highway," approach.

I did come away with a list of the three worst examples of parenting (yes I actually heard these);

1. "If you don't knock if off we'll go back to the hotel." (Yeah right, that's the reason we spent all that money to get into this park.)
2. "If you don't stop it, I'll break your arm!" (I think I will let Child Protective Services handle that one.)
3. "You are acting just like your father." (And you mom, remind me of a member of the gestapo.)

Please think about your parenting style before you go out in public. Our country needs to imporve our image.

Raising Happy Kids

A brief article under the heading You Should Know in the most recent issue of Suburban Parent, a Dallas-Fort Worth free publication, caught my eye. "TV Watching Linked to Unhappiness?" the article asked. The single paragraph referred to a recent study at the University of Maryland. My interest was captured. I have long maintained that too much TV has a negative impact. In my opinion one downside is the belief that television leads us to expect all of life's problems to be solved in a thirty, sixty or ninty minutes format, depending on the severity of the issue.

I did a quick search on Google and found the study itself. A brief summary was also published on sciencedaily.com in November, 2008. It turns out this is a long-term study, going back thirty years. Two professors from the university gathered data on 30,000 adults. That makes for a pretty impressive and valid study. They examined the activity patterns of happy and unhappy people between 1975 and 2006. The authors discovered that happy people were more socially active, attended more religious services, voted more often and read more newspapers. In contrast, unhappy people watched significantly more television in their spare time and read less. Watching televsion does produce short-term satisfaction but can become addictive.

So what does this mean to today's parents. I believe it reinforces the need to provide our kids with a balanced lifestyle. Our children should experience a variety of experiences on a regular basis. They should be encourage to participate in sports and other leisure activities. They should also be socially active, interacting with a variety of individual, including some adults who will have a positive influence. Church activities, including youth group, are also important.

Television, videos and gaming are a part of our culture. It's up to us to dictate the amount of influence they have. Remember, we are the adults and they are the kids. If we don't want the media to control them, we have to exercise control over their lifestyle. By the way, leading a healthy lifestyle yourself will help you live a happier life too. You will also be setting a good example.

Encouraging Self Indulgence

I have seen the pink stretch lemo with the words "Party Girls" inscribed boldly on the side at various times when driving around North Dallas. My first thought was usually, "Way to go," as I envisioned some young moms taking a deserved break from their family responsibilities. Or perhaps it was a group of single gals celebrating a special occasion. From my high school counselor experience I know lemo companies do a big business during prom season but no high school jock would be caught dead in a pink lemo. It has to be a girl thing!

When I saw the picture of the pink lemo on the front page of the Dallas Morning News Metro section yesterday I was intrigued. Before my eyes could drift up to the headline, they were captured by the image of a group of six year olds dancing in party dresses. "The Big Business of Birthdays," the banner boldly proclaimed. The print below the pictured noted that Avery's party at a Frisco Spa had set her parents back $399. That did not include the lemo ride to and from. My next thought was, "What's wrong with this picture?" but pershaps it should be, "What's wrong with a culture that needs to over indulge our kids?"

I knew that bounce houses had long ago replaced "pin the tail on the donkey" but a stretch lemo and spa trip for a pre-adolescent was a new one of me. I guess I live in a sheltered world. When our grandson celebrated his fifth birthday my son and his wife invited us to join other family members for a bowling party. Andrew has become quite an accomplished bowler on the Wii. He didn't do badly on a real lane. I could accept that. But $500+ for a lemo and spa party seems a bit overboard. I guess the need for six year olds to have a make-up session and pedicure escapes me.

One of the reasons the rest of the world looks on the United States with such disdain is our reputation for over-indulgence. Based on the article, I would say the trend will continue. Arminta Jacobson, the director of the Center for Parent Education at the University of North Texas, call the rising expectations of child partygoers the "snowball effect." I see it more as our "competive nature." Which parent can out-do all the others at providing an extravagant experience for their child and friends.

I really encourage all parents to stop and count the cost before they plan such an event for their child. I am not talking about the dollar value attached to such parties but rather the long-term trend. If it's going to cost $500 for a birthday party for a six year old, what is it going to cost for their senior prom? What kind of expectations are we establishing here?

On the other extreme we have friends at church with twin daughters. The girls recently celebrated their birthday with a party. Instead of gifts from themselves they wanted their guests to bring school supplies that could be donated to an urban mission in Dallas. How cool is that?

A Baseball Prodigy

I found the cover photo of last week's Sports Illustrated a little disturbing. It wasn't Kobe Bryant, Albert Pujols or some other recognizable superstar but rather a sixteen year old baseball prodigy. "Baseballs Chosen One," the headline proclaimed. Baseball scouts are drooling over a high school sophomore who slugs five hundred foot home runs and fires the ball at ninty-six miles per hour. His name is Bryce Harper and he lives in Las Vegas. He is so far above other high school players in his area that he now flys around the country playing for various all star teams. There is talk of him taking the GED so that can graduate early and be eligible for the major league draft. Noted agent, Scott Boras, is already advising his parents.

I am not Scott Boras but I do have some advise. Slow Down, mom and dad. I point to two other high school phenoms; David Clyde and Todd Van Poppel. Both made the jump right from high school to the major leagues. Both had abbreviated careers. Sure there have been some successes. Robin Yount and Ivan Rodriguez come to mind. Rodriguez is even a natural catcher like Harper.

The article portrays Bryce Harper as a kid who has his act together. In one picture in the magazine the scripture reference "Luke 1:37" adorns one taped wrist, the words, "Play for Him" is on the other. He supposedly participates in a Bible study every morning. Good for him. He still is only sixteen years old. While he has athletic ability far beyond the age, he has the brain and maturity of a teenager. His value system is still developing and his life management skills are very much a work in progress. To surround him with people who will manage his life is doing him a disservice. To deny him the opportunity to grow up experiencing his high school years could sow the seeds of resentment somewhere down the line. In short, Bryce needs to just be allowed to grow up. If he's that good the money will always be there.

An interesting contrast was a brief article in this mornings Dallas Morning News. "Paschal (high school) Star Takes Dad's Advice," was the heading. The story was about Brian Milner and his son Hoby. Brian was high school prodigy who turned down a scholarship to Arizona State to sign with the Blue Jays. He was out of the game five years later with only nine profession at bats. Last month, thirty one years later, he finally graduated from college. Now Hoby has "eye popping" statistics. Hoby plans to attend the University of Texas on a baseball scholarship. "If anything happens, I'll have my degree," he states.

That says it all.

A Note to Misty, Amber and Tiffany's Mom

I have a message for Misty, Amber and Tiffany's mom. Chill!!!



I caught my first glimpse of her as I slowly drove through a school zone yesterday. I glanced into my rearview mirror to see her riding my rear bumper, cell phone in her right hand and tigthly gripping the steering wheel with her left. I could see a small soccer ball swaying from her mirror. Before we had exited the school zone she had swerved into the right lane and accelerated ahead of me. She must have found a break in the traffice because the next thing I noticed was she cut across the center lane bound for the left one, which appeared to be clear. I caught up with her at the next stop light. She was one car ahead of me in the left lane. The names of her three daughters were displayed proudly in the back window of her Ford Explorer: Misty-Patriots, Amber-Hotshots, Tiffany-Hornets. She was a soccer mom and she was on a mission.

The pattern continued. It's about eight miles up Josey Lane from where I first met Misty, Amber and Tiffany's mom to where I turned right and headed for a hospital visit. I was her shadow almost the entire route. She would speed away from every green light. I could see glimpses of her darting in and out of lanes up ahead. Meanwhile, I was plodding along at the posted speed limit. At most lights I coasted up just in time to see her pull away. At one light, I don't know if it was me or the person in the left lane that she was frustrated with. I had timed it right and reached the intersection just as the light turned green. I coasted by her, as she was hung up behind a slow-moving grey Lexus. "Imagine that, a driver in the far left lane who actually drives the speed limit," I am sure she thought. I watched her swing in behind me, accelerated past and then cut across my lane to get back to the left. Sure enough, she was waiting for me as I coasted up to the next light.

I think I could even identify her when she isn't behind the wheel. She would be the mom in the bleachers at the soccer game complaining about the incompetent referees. She would be the mom in the parking lot tapping her shoe while the coach debriefed the team after the game. "Come on, let's get on with it. I have other places to be, you know." As a coach myself, she would expect her to be the mom who would call me hours after the game asking why her precious daughter, with so much natural talent, wasn't seeing more time on the field.

I guess what troubled me most was the "fish" symbol on the rear bumper of her SUV and the decal identifying the church she was affiliated with. I guess that church hasn't taught the part of the Bible on spiritual gifts, especially patience.

I know I am wrong for pre-judging the woman. Maybe she is a nice person and I was just catching her at a bad time. I guess the lesson here is the responsibility we all carry when we wear the sign of the cross, or in this case the fish. We identify ourselves as being members of God's Kingdom. We represent Christ in all we do. It's easy to get caught up in the pressures of this world and forget that. It can especially be that way for contemporary parents, many of whom are balancing full-time jobs and surviving this economy, in addition to their parenting responsibilities. Maybe we all need to just chill once in a while and think about who we are as Children of God.

Saying Goodbye

I am in the process of saying goodbye to a couple of good friends.

Tim Perkins as been the associate pastor at our church for five years. Tim took a leave of absence late last year and then revealed in January that he is an alcoholic. That has taken its toll on him and his family. He feels the being led by God to step away from full-time ministry right now. I will miss seeing him, his wife Amber and their beautiful three kids on a regular basis.

Then there is Phil Gooden and his family. Phil has played acustic guitar in our praise band for a couple of years. Good guy and great friend. He lost his job last year but he found a new one almost immediately. The problem is it's in Milwaukee. He's been commuting since but now that school is out, the family is pulling up stakes. Next Sunday will be his last one with us.

Saying goodbye is nothing new to me. Barb and I have served four churches in three different states, prior to her taking the position at Crown of Life in Colleyville. I also spent eleven great years at Lutheran High of Dallas before losing my position in a staff down-sizing. Bottom line is I maybe have gotten too good at saying goodbye. At times it seems like life is a parade, with people just marching past. If anything, I have learned to love and appreciate them while I have them.

While our kids will always be our kids, our earthly situations might change. At times it will seem like they are just passing through our lives too. Learn to appreciate each stage of life for what it is... a gift from God. Our earthly relationships and circumstances might change but our God is always the same. Maybe that is where we need to be investing more of our time. Make Him your companion on your evening walks, your silent bed partner when you lie down at night and that trusted friend you have coffee with in the morning.

Flyover Fellowship

I was at church last night for praise team practice. I left before 9:00 PM and got home at 10:30 PM. Normally the trip takes less than half an hour. I spent over an hour parked on the flyover ramp from highway 114 to I-635. A bad accident had shutdown the highway. I called my wife and alerted her to the situation, so she took a different route. She was relaxing at home when I got there.

Yesterday was a long day. I had spent eight hours doing my hospital chaplain visits. For some reason they were more mentally taxing than normal. On my way home I had stopped by Home Depot to pick up forty square feet of sod to finish off a project in our front yard. Loading and unloading that was a chore. By nine o clock was was exhausted. Being stuck on a freeway was not where I wanted to be.

I could have spent the time listening to the radio, or one of the Garrison Keillor tapes I carry in the car. Instead I shut off the engine and stepped out of my car. Soon I found others around me doing the same thing. In a short while there were six or eight of us conversing. I can't say as I got to know any of them intimately but we did have some great conversation. I mentioned to a couple of them that I was on my way home from church. They were curious about the band I sang in. I guess they found it strange that a grandfather, who wears a flattop, enjoys singing contemporary Christian music.

My wife had shared a devotion on frontyard evangelism prior to our practice. The point being that if we spend time in our frontyards, rather than the back, we have more opportunities to meet our neighbors and share our faith stories with them. I guess I took it to heart. Instead of frontyard evangelism I had some flyover fellowship.

So, where is this going and how does it apply to parenting? My question to you, how do you handle life's incoveniences? When forced to wait in traffic or when stuck in a waiting room while your doctor runs behind schedule, how do you react? It becomes even more important when our children are part of the experience. The way we handle the "speed bumps" of life sends a message to them. It helps prepare them for the twists and turns they will have to face.

What to do With Bullies?

I am not a big fan of talk radio. I prefer to listen to news radio when I am at home, music when I am in the car. Oh yes, baseball is still best on the radio. But last Thursday I got into the car and there was a talk show. My favorite news station shifts to that format mid-day. Before I could change stations I recognized the topic. The discussion was on bullies in school. I was hooked because it's a topic I am familiar with and have strong feelings about. Our youngest son was the victim of bullies throughout his schooling. As a school counselor I also had to deal with both the victims and the bullies themselves. We instituted a peer mediation program at our school to help those who wanted help in dealing with bullies.

Most to the callers seemed to buy into the, "I teach me kid to defend themselves," camp. Such individuals would not only support their child if they chose to retaliate, but would be disappointed if they did not. Some of the predominately male callers even envoked the, "We're Texans and we always defend ourselves and our dignity." I was not suprised because I think most parents would respond the same way.

Let me continue by saying that bullying is a huge problem in our schools. Statistics indicate that three quarters of all kids report being bullied at one time or another. Being the victim is not fun and can lead to serious issues. Besides being scared and embarrassed, some kids even become physically sick. Others carry the long-term damage to their self esteem.

Responding to the bully with anger and brute force is exactly the wrong thing to do. When a student retaliates they give the bully exactly what they want. Bullies want the satisfaction of knowing they have control and power. Even if the situation escalates and the victim wins the confrontation the bully is the victor because they've gotten the response they wanted. They won't stop their behavior. They'll just look for another victim to control.

So how do we prepare of kids to deal with bullies? It starts by helping them feel good about themselves. We also need to discuss the issue with them before it happens so that they are prepared. Here are four steps you can discuss with your child.

1. Avoid those who have a reputation for being a bully. Bullies are never good friends, even on a casual level.

2. Get a buddy. Have a least one good friend that you know you can count on in all situations. It helps if they share similar values and interests. Discuss the issue of bullying with them before it happens.

3. If confronted by a bully communicate with them that you know what they are trying to do and that you don't intend to play their game. In other words stand up to them in a non-confrontational way.

4. If the bullying continues, seek adult help. A favorite teacher or the school counselor might be a good advocate. Teach your child that it's ok to admit that there is a problem and that you need help in dealing with it.

This is a topic you need to address with your child. We want them to become part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Rights of Passage

It is the time of year when many parents are celebrating the rights of passage in the lives of their children. Confirmation, graduation and spring weddings are such events. We recently celebrated such an occasion in our family. Our daughter, Katie, received her masters degree from Dallas Baptist University. She aspires to be a contemporary worship leader. DBU is one of the few schools in the country is a program in worship leadership.

We had quite a celebration. All our children are grown but we still rejoice in their accomplishments. We took lots of pictures. Her Uncle Bill flew in from Baltimore for the event. We hosted a party for her and her friends. For a parent there is no greater joy than watching your kids grow up and be successful.

At such times it easy to forget about all the struggles in between. When she was younger we referred to her as "Princess Terror," does that tell you something about her childhood.

A word of advice to all parents: enjoy the moment. Each stage of life has its joys, just as it has its frustrations. We often want to fast-forward our kids and see the finish product. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. Besides, think of all the fun we would miss out on. So, take each day for what it is... a gift from God.

Bristol Palin and Abstinence

Bristol Palin, the daughter of the Governor of Alaska and former VP Candidate, Sarah Palin, is back in the news again. Last summer her out-of-wedlock pregnancy made national news. Since the election she has given birth to a baby boy and broken her engagement to the child's father. Last week the attention was on her public stand promoting abstinence.

I find her honesty and personal stand refreshing. First-off she did not compound the problem by entering into a marriage relationship she was uncomfortable with. Secondly, she has taken responsibility for her actions and seems to have learned from the experience.

There is a lesson to be learned here for all parents. We need to be mindful of the maturity level of our teens and their inability to act rationally on their emotions. The latest research on the adolescent brain indicates that the pre-frontal context, the portion of the brain that connects feeling and emotions with the long-term memory, is underdeveloped. The pre-frontal cortex really functions as the executive portion of the brain, helping individuals make decisions based on past experience and long-term goals. This helps explain a teenager's impulsive nature. God, in his infinite wisdom, has given teens the ability to be sexually active, along with the feelings to go with it but they are not mentally prepared to make good decisions. Bristol Palin is living proof of that.

This raises the stakes for parents of teenagers. It is our responsibility to help them be ready to make wholesome choices and be ready to forgive them when they don't. One way is to educate them. The other is to monitor their behavior and make sure they are surrounded by a support system of both peers and other adults.

Instead of criticism, Bristol Palin needs to be forgiven. I suspect her parents have already don that. She also deserves our praise and respect. She learned the importance of teen abstinence the hard way. Now she is speaking out about it and that is something we should all support.

Teen Drivers

I heard a news report yesterday concerning a recent study done by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety. The conclusion was that teenagers behave differently behind the wheel when they know their parents are watching, as opposed to when they are unsupervised. My initial response was, Duh! What's new.

During my years as a high school counselor I often encountered parents who had a distorted image of their child. When informed of an inappropriate behavior the response was often, "My son/daughter would never do that." My thought was usually, "Yes, not while you are watching."
Our behavior is determined by our personal ethics. A great definition for ethics is: How we behave when no one is looking. I think that definitely applies here.

A bigger issue for me is: How do parents behave when they know their teens are watching them? It does no good to tell your child not to abuse alcohol if they regularly see you with a drink in your hand when at home. What do we expect when we make it a habit of driving ten miles over the speed limit when they are sitting in the car with us?

Parents are a role models for teens, whether they want to be or not.

The Swine Flu Scare

So, how are we to respond to the Swine Flu scare. Is it a genuine pandemic or the result of the media over-reacting. Here is the Dallas-Fort Worth community we see both poles being acted out. The Fort Worth ISD has cancelled classes district-wide until mid-May. May Fest, an annual outdoor art festival, has been cancelled. The Dallas ISD on the other hand has closed one school and things seemed to be pretty much going on as normal on the east side of the Metroplex.

I noticed little difference yesterday as I made my rounds as a hospital chaplain. Most the facilities had signs requesting that those who were sick (cough, fever, etc.), should refrain from visiting patients. When I asked if there was anything I especially needed to be doing I was told, "no." The general response from the medical professionals seemed to be, "business as usual." One even noted that we should be more concerned about MRSA staph infection. I visited three families yesterday who had loved ones in ICU with the it. From my perspective the Swine Flu is just another strain of "the flu." MRSA is serious stuff.

So, how do we respond when our children ask? I would try to be reassuring, don't panic or over-react. Try to maintain your normal routine as much as possible. Use this opportunity to talk about the need to wash and sanitize your hands several times a day. It's also an excellent time to talk about our sinful nature. The infection and viruses that plague us are all a result of our sin and the fact that our bodies are imperfect. God's and His unconditional love are the only perfect things. We can count on that. God has got us through difficult times before and if this is indeed becomes a pandemic, He will get us through it as well.

The Importance of Youth Ministry

I sing with one of the praise team at our church. We had a Sunday off yesterday. I got to sit in the pew and participate in the worship led by our youth praise team. The group has led worship for youth events but it was their debut in front of the congregation. Thirteen teens were part of the experience yesterday. They had a great sound and were very well received by the worshippers. There was even applause when they finished their last song. The adults present seemed to appreciate the youthful enthusiasm. Many folks went forward and expressed both their support.

Our church has a comprehensive and dynamic youth ministry. We've invested millions in The Edge, our student ministry center, but facilities don't mean a thing unless you have the staff and volunteers to support it. We have been blessed with both. I am especially impressed with the number of adults who volunteer to be part of the ministry. They span the ages and include folks who serve as counselors, Teen CBS small group leaders, musicians who work with the youth praise team and countless others.

In my soon to be released book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the 7 Things Parents do to Screw-Up Their Kids, I identify not developing a support system as one of the mistakes parents make. Parents need to surround their teens with adults who share their value system and have the well-being of all teens, including their own, on their hearts. When it comes to our church's youth ministry, I especially appreciate the middle age adults, many with grown or college age children who are involved. Who better to mentor young people than those who have experienced life?

You Know There are Lutheans in a Hotel When...

I spent three days last week at the Lutheran Education Association National Director of Christian Education Conference here in Dallas. That meant a lot of Lutherans in one hotel. I came away with some observation regarding Lutheran Culture and was motivated to develop the following: The Top Ten Ways You Know Lutherans Are Staying in a Hotel.

10. Beer truck idling in the parking lot.
9. "Wellkommen" on the hotel marquee.
8. Guest keep referring to the lobby as "the narthex."
7. Those LWML ladies at the concierge desks.
6. $4.99 potluck dinner in hotel restaurant.
5. Sighting of C. F. W. Walther look-a-like.
4. Tract Rack located next to registration counter.
3. Room numbers correspond to favorite hymns found in Lutheran Service Book.
2. Luther's Small Catechism found next to Gideon Bible in every room.
1. When you greet the hotel staff they respond, "And also with you."

Living Your Dreams Through Your Kids

I had to nod in agreement as I read the editorial, The Kids Aren't Alright, in this week's Sports Illustrated. The author is Mark Hyman who wrote the book Until It Hurts: America's Obsession With Youth Sports and How it Harms Our Kids. Hyman writes of a ten year old female tennis player who saw a doctor for an aching shoulder. The mother noted that her daughter was a rapidly climbing junior tennis player. "To reach the family's goals, she had two weeks to reach number 5." When the doctor diagnosed a stress fracture that would require six month of rest, the mother flew into a rage. The mother felt her child could be treated wtih therapy while she continued to play.

In my soon to be released book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents do to Screw-Up Their Kids, I identify living your dreams vicariously through your kids as one of the common mistakes parents make. It's one that I can identify with. Fortunately I learned my lesson. When our son, Peter, was a high school junior he was receiving feelers from colleges because of his skills as a basketball player. My head was in the clouds until he informed me he wasn't interested. He wanted to go to college to get an education, not play basketball.

Our daughter was into gymnastics at the time of the Olympic Dream Team. Shannon Miller was her idol. Katie was moving up through the levels when she was in eighth grade. Two night before the first meet of the season she sprained her ankle in practice. We were disappointed but listened to the doctor who said no gym for three months. That ended the season. She quit gymnastics after that and began to take her music more seriously. She ended up at TCU on a music scholarship. Funny how God works things out.

What parent doesn't want their kid to succeed? The problem comes when we push them too hard. Often that's because we see our dreams being fulfilled through them. Perhaps, they can accomplish thing we didn't. In my case I was barely a bench player in basketball. I learned the game by sitting next to the coach. Peter, on the other hand, had star potential. He was an All District Player his senior year. But by that time he had made his point. Basketball was recreation, something he did, and still does, to stay in shape.

When it comes to your kids and their extra-curricular activities you need to ask the question, who is this for? It should always be about them, their interests and their God-given talents.

Let The Kids Explore

I got back this afternoon from a family outing to Houston. My sons, Peter and Mark, and grandson, Andrew and Caleb, attended the first two Chicago Cubs games of season. Great time and lots of male bonding. The only downer was the Cubs split the two game, losing the second in extra innings.

Yesterday we took our grandsons to the Children's Museum in Houston. Three adult and two kids sounded like pretty good odds. Somehow we lost track of Caleb at least three times. He is an extremely active and curious three year old. He also knows little fear; not a good combination when you are in a building filled with things for kids to explore. Maybe it's a guy thing but we never panicked. I guess we figured he would be safe, as long as he didn't leave the building.

It brought back memories of times with his dad. When Peter was a toddler I would take him to the shopping mall and let him explore. I always stayed at least ten steps behind and just let him wander. It was always interesting to see the reaction of adults when they saw this little boys walking all by himself, straying toward anything that looked interesting.

There is a real benefit in putting young children in an environment where they can explore and then turning them loose. I attribute some of Peter's independent nature and inherent curiosity on those early experiences. I see the same attribute in our other children, Mark and Katie as well. I would encourage you to seek out those placed where can play and explore on their own. A city park or playground might offer such opportunities, and most of those are free. Park your self on a bench and let them go, always under your watchful eye of course.

Book Update

When I retired from my position as school counselor at Lutheran High School of Dallas one of my goals was to publish a book on my experience working with teenagers and their parents. My desire was to share insights based on my observations. No parents wants to negatively affect the life of their child but all parents make mistakes along the way. Many of those mistakes are made out of ignorance. Over the years I had identified seven common mistakes. Those mistakes provided the basis for the project.

It's been a long road but the manuscript has finally been submitted. I made the decision early on to publish the book myself. I wanted control over the project. My desire was to confront the issues and in the process help parents do a better job. Self publishing allows me to do that, although it does mean shouldering the cost of producing the book myself.

Parenting Without Guilt: How to Avoid the Seven Things Parents do to Screw-Up Their Kids has now been submitted a publisher. I am working with Outskirt Press, a division of Amazon.com. They also partner with Barnes and Noble providing a retail presence.

While the publisher will be helping me market the book, I am relying on friends and former colleagues to spread the word as well. Folks who have read the manuscript tell me they found it insightful and practical. A companion Bible study can be used for small group or personal study.

A lot of folks have supported and encouaged me along the way but a special word of thanks goes to my editor Mindy Walz. Watch for more updates on the production process and anticipate the release of the book later this spring.

Rights of Passage

Tomorrow is the first day of April. We're are heading into an exciting season for many families. I am referring to the rights of passage that go with this time of year, particularly graduations. Such events can provide parents with a variety of contrasting emotions. This year, I can again identify. Our daughter, Katie, is completing her masters program and graduating from Dallas Baptist University.

It's important for all of us to keep things in perspective. Each right of passage is another step and another opportunity. It's easy to get caught up in the past. Rights of passage also mean change. Change always brings stress with it. Change also means growth and that is where the focus needs to be. I know from experience that there is no great joy than watching your kids grow up and be successful on their own.

When it comes to rights of passage the focus needs to be on them, and not on us. Hopefully they have plans and dreams. In that case they are excited. Their focus is on what is ahead. We need to do the same. It is our responsibility to listen and then support them in reaching for their goals. Every individual deserves the right to pursue their own dream. If their future is cloudy, we need to offer our support in helping them clarify their plans.

Secondly, we need to savor the moment. Rights of passage tend to be "Kodak Moments." We want to freeze the picture and just enjoy the experience. Relax and enjoy these days for what they are.

Lastly, continue to pray for your kids. Pray passionately that God will bless their dreams and visions. Pray that they will have the opportunity to use the special gifts God has given them. Pray for their safety as well but pray for their faith development as well. If they continue to walk with the Lord, God will bless them.

It's Still About Relationships

I am headed to a meeting with the DFW area DCE's today. I easily the oldest member of the group. It's kinda fun being the elder statesman. Youth ministry has changed a lot since I started almost forty years ago. We used 16 mm projectors instead of DVD players. No, I don't miss having to thread the film. My first office computer was when I started at Holy Cross in Dallas twenty years ago. I used it for word processing, no hard drive just room for two floppy disks. Ministry was very different even then. There was no texting or Facebook. I never dreamed you would be able to set up a chat room and talk with kids on line. I am still amazed that I carry around a cell phone in my pocket. That was something only for "super heroes."

Yes, youth ministry has changed but two things have not. Being a teenager is still a challenge, perhaps now more that ever. It's also still about establishing a relationship with kids. It is only through a relationship that you have any hope of impacting the lives of kids. The teen years are a criticial time in faith development. Teens need adults who can be mentors and role models. Love must be unconditional. Being able to listen and offer guidance is key

Not providing spiritual roots is one mistake that parents make in raising their kids. Even church-going parents can fall short when it comes to spiritual development. The problem comes when we view religious education the same way we do algebra and history. Teach the material, take a test and get a passing grade. Spiritual development is ongoing. It's also relational, it's about our relationship with Jesus Christ. That is better caught than taught. That's where providing a loving, caring environment is vital. Youth ministry takes a team of adults who not only care for kids and interact with them. They also must share our values and faith perspective.

It's easy to get caught up in looking at the size of the youth group or the dynamic reputation of the youth leader. Having the most modern, kid-friendly facilities is not going to create an environment where kids are nurtured in their faith. That only happens through relationships. Get to know the youth ministry staff at your church, not just the professional staff but the voluneteers as well. They are important people in the life of your teenager.

Spring Break

"It's spring break, so I am sure attendance will be down this morning," my wife commented on our way to church yesterday. I dropped her off at our church in Colleyville and headed to Fort Worth where I was scheduled to speak to an adult Bible class. "I am sure our attendance will be off this morning," my friend remarked when he greeted me at his church. "It is spring break," he noted.

In both cases they were right. But then, I remember how I looked forward to spring break when I was working at Lutheran High of Dallas. The kids looked forward to it too. It was difficult to get them to focus on the days prior to. Many of them would be off to Colorado to ski or Florida to bask in the sun. Trips to Europe were also popular. I am ok with taking a spring break. God rested on the 7th day, remember. Although I don't think he flew to Cancun to relax.

I would hope that Spring break is a time of family renewal. The tendency for many adults is one of two extremes: to either refuel the personal tank by doing nothing or to fill the time with endless activities and come home needing rest.

I would hope the time away allows for a more relaxed atmosphere where the walls come down, allowing open and honest communication. Try to schedule some time for that. Meals are a good time, especially if you are eating out because there is no responsibility to prepare the meal and serve it. Look for other opportunities as well, like when you're waiting in the line at Disney World, or traveling in the car.

Make worship a part of your vacation as well. It's a great time to let the kids lead. Allow them to plan the family devotions, perhaps using Scripture verses that are important to them. It gives them the opportunity to talk about what they like and don't like about their normal worship experience and for you to focus on what true worship is.

Spring breaks are great, just don't take a break from God.

America Less Christian

A survey released yesterday declares that America is less Christian than it was twenty years ago. Seventy-five percent of Americans now call themselves Christian, as opposed to eighty-six percent in 1990. The data was compiled as part of the American Religous Identification Survey from Trinity College in Connecticut. Christian is not losing influence to other faiths, Muslim, Jewish, Mormon etc. Rather, religion overall is on the decline. Denominations are taking a major hit, with all mainline groups showing a loss in membership.

William Donohue, president of the Catholic League, has an interesting comment. "The three most dreaded words are thou shalt not." People are not athiests, he continued. "They just don't want to be told what to do with their lives."

Comments from two young women that I heard interviewed reinforced Mr. Donohue's statement. One stated, "I don't see anything in religion that benefits me."

I am extremely troubled but not surprised by this trend. In our self absorbed, society that looks for instant gratification, the intangible elements of hope and security beyond this world are a hard sell.

I can tesify that it does make a difference, however. I spend eight to ten hours each week working as a hospital chaplain. I service long-term acute care facilities, meaning many of the people I see are rough shape. Some are in their last days. There is a marked difference between those who are people of faith face that time, as opposed to those outside the faith. Each time I am called into one of those situations I remark the same thing, "Where would I be without Jesus?"

I still maintain the greatest testimony a Christian can give is how they react in time of crisis. Which leads me to my parenting point. We are in a crisis at this time. The current economic situation in our country is scary, and I don't think it is going to end soon. The strongest witness you can give to others, including your own kids, is to face the future with confidence. It's a time to share how our faith is more important than the physical things of this world. All the stuff of this world will pass away but our relationship with Jesus Christ goes beyond this world.

If we believe that, we need to live that. In the process I think we will be making a statement and passing on the heritage of faith to the next generation.

Reflections on the 63rd Anniversary of My Natal Day

Today is my birthday. No, I don't feel like sixty-three. Question of the day is, How did I get here so quickly.

God has a way of helping me keep things in perspective. My devotions this morning had me in 2 Corinthians 4, that's the Jars of Clay chapter. The verse I decided to focus on was verse 16.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though we outwardly are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." (2 Corinthians 4:16 NIV)

I must admit that when I am with other people my age it's easy to feel like I am on the set of Cocoon. How quickly we can focus on our aches and pains. Like many others my age I have a laundry list of health concerns: blood sugar, blood pressure, cholestrol, prostate, acid reflex, etc. I never thought I would reach the point where I would need one of those little pill boxes to keep everything straight. I am there.

Actually, I am not in bad shape for the shape I am in. I walk two miles most days. I watch my diet and am trying, seriously this time, to lose twenty pounds. I have become very good at learning to relax.

I have learned to appreciate those relationship that really matter. I am looking forward to having our family, kids and grandkids, together tomorrow to celebrate. In our changing world, those are the things that really matter.

The one aspect of my life that seems to be on the up-swing is my relationship with God. I still don't understand God's love and grace but I have learned to lavish myself in it. How Great is Our God!!! That's the one thing that matters now and in eternity.

My Little Girl is Twenty-five

Our daughter turns twenty-five today. She's living under our roof right now so, last night before I retired I requested that she not get me up at 3:00 AM like she did twenty-five years ago.

I am not sure there is any significance in her turning twenty-five. She's about to finish graduate school and set out on a career as a worship leader. She is a gifted singer/songwriter and plays multiple instruments. Yes, I am proud of her but then I am proud of her two older brothers as well.

My message to parents today is, it's worth it. There is no greater joy than watching your kids grow up. If we are there to help them cast a vision for themselves and then support them in that effort, they will probably turn out ok. The important thing is that we give them the foundation to build that life on. That comes through imparting values and providing them with spiritual roots.

Secondly, enjoy this time. Our kids grow up way too fast.

Happy Birthday, Katie. Thanks for the memories and God's blessings on the future.

It Only Toasts on One Side

We had a minor fire in our kitchen last Friday. I was toasting a bagel and smelled smoke. The source was the toaster. Sure enough there was a little flame deep inside. I quickly force the lever up, releasing my now well toasted bagel and then waited until the flame went out. It couldn't have been to big a deal the smoke detector didn't even go off.

I didn't discover the damage until yesterday morning. This time it was cinnamon bread and it was only toasted on one side. You guessed it! The little fire had destroyed the heating element in the middle of the toaster. It still works fine but only toasts one side at a time.

I mentioned it to Barb who reminded me that she had bought the toaster second hand so not much would be lost if we had to replace it. I decided this morning I can live with a little inconvenience. A broken toaster is just a little pinch. I can add it to the other little pinches in life, like Dallas traffic jams and telemarketers. In the total scope of things it's all pretty insignificant. I am extremely blessed, even in these "difficult economic times." I have a comfortable house, a loving family and a God who has insured my eternal salvation.

That would be my good word to you today. When life gives you those little pinches consider them in the total scope of things. I think we spend too much time getting "bent out of shape" over things that quite frankly don't matter in the long-term. As parents we need to be especially aware of this because the way we handle life's pinches serves as a model to our kids. Maybe this will open the door to a heart-to-heart discussion with them on what really matters. Being loved by God is far more important than having my bread toasted on both sides.

Red Light Cameras

Red lights cameras have become the source of controversy in the Dallas-Fort Worth area recently. Some communities are under pressure from residents to remove them. Personally I appreciate them. When it comes to the law, I tend to be very black & white. If the light is red, you stop. If it's green you go. If it's yellow you need to prepare to stop. Seems simple. I just checked the Texas Department of Public Safety Code and it's still explained that way. So, what's the issue.

I think the same issue we have with speed limit laws. I regularly drive on I 635, the beltway around Dallas. The speed limit is 60 mph. That's what I drive, when conditions permit. I also ride in one of the center lanes, to avoid the traffic exiting and entering. Boy do I annoy people by doing that. Few other people are driving that speed. Most people seem to abide by the urban myth that the police won't bother with you if you stay within 10 mph of the posted limit.

I've done informal polls on this. When I ask people why they regularly exceed the speed limit the usual responses include, "The law is stupid." or "The roads were designed for fasters speeds." Then there is the typical, "Everybody else is driving faster. I don't want to cause as accident by getting in their way."

Here's the deal. Red means stop. 60 mph means 60 mph. What message are we sending to our kids when our actions say otherwise?

During my years as a school counselor I regularly had listen as parents rationalized their child's actions. Take the issue of cheating. The school policy was clear. Copying answers from another student was wrong. That included copying all or a portion of a homework assignment. The consequences if caught was usually a zero on that assignment. Enter mom or dad; "They were up late visiting their sick grandmother in the hospital." or "They didn't understand that problem so they were asking for help." Yes, there was the typical, "They told me everyone else cheats and they don't want to fall behind."

Our actions as parents send a message to our kids. When we look for ways to skirt the law are we giving our kids permission to do the same?

Compassion

I am sure you've had the experience where a certain word or thought gets stuck in your brain. That's what happened to me last week. On Tuesday morning during my personal devotion time I focused on Psalm 51:1. The word that kept replaying was compassion. "According to your great compassion, blot out my transgressions." I marveled at God's great compassion when it comes to dealing with my sinful nature.

I have always considered myself a compassionate person. I sincerely feel I have the spiritual gift of compassion. But I still have a long way to go and that day compassion was definitely on my mind.

The next morning I found myself at DFW Airport carrying out my duty as a volunteer ambassador. I was at my usual post at Gate C-12 when I noticed a well-dressed Japanese man staring at the departure moniter with a confused look. I approached him with my usual, "May I help you." His smiling response was "Little English." I reached for his boarding pass, which he had placed in his passport. He was trying to connect to a flight to Tokyo. That meant he would be departing from International Terminal D. In this case it was gate D-30 and I printed that information on his boarding pass.

To get to his gate required riding the Skylink, a train connecting the terminals. I knew he would need assistance finding his way. So I gestured for him to follow me and headed for the escalator. As we ascended I turned to see a smiling face.

We soon arrived at the station and I pointed to the sign that read "Terminal D & E." As the train approached a woman standing next to us asked, "Is he going to Tokyo?" When I responded,"Yes." she replied, "I'll take care of him." The doors opened and he stepped unto the train. At that point he turned and bowed in the traditional oriental fashion and then spoke in very clear English, "Compassion."

What was God trying to tell me? The word had been stuck in my head and now a total stranger had caused me to focus on it even more. The message became clearer when I arrived at my church for my scheduled Wednesday men's Bible study. Each week we do a textual study of the lessons for the next Sunday. Our pastors are currently doing a series on Psalms. This week the focus was to be on psalm 145:8-9. "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." There was that word again! When we turned to the espistle lesson from Colossians 3, it was there again. "Cloth yourself with compassion..." Where was this leading me?

Each day I step into the closet. It is filled with clothes. Some are dress clothes, others more casual. There are jeans and dress slack, work shirts and dress shirts. I have a choice when it comes to my appearance. I chose what I am going to put on that day and in the process determine the image I wish to project. It's the same way with my attitude. I can choose to cloth myself with compassion, in the same way I can chose kindness, humility and other spiritual gifts.

As a parent, you need to do the same thing when it comes to our relationship with our children. We need to be mindful that we are the adults in the parent-child relationship. If the relationship is to be fruitful and positive, it must begin with us. So cloth yourself with compassion this day, and remember patience is a spiritual gift as well. That one is vital too when dealing with teenagers.