Never Too Late

I recently spent ten days on the road including some invaluable time in Detroit visiting my eighty-seven year old mom. While this wasn't a tour promoting my new book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents do to Screw-Up Their Kids, I didn't hesitate to talk about the project with anyone who would listen.



When I gave my business card to one young man he commented that it was too late for him and wife. When I inquired about the age of his daughter he said she was thirteen. I tried to assure him that in spite of what he saw, "the final die had not been cast." It's never to late too make mid-course directions in an attempt to change a relationship. I contrast that man with another middle-age individual I spoke with. He had recently reconciled with this daughter who is now in her mid-twenties. She had recently come back into his life after almost five years of seperation. She had apologized for making such poor choices in her teen and college years and for all the grief she had caused him and his wife.



There are two lessons here:



Today is the day to begin to work on the relationship we have with our kids. It should begin with open communication. We need to say, "I love you," more. When we express that feeling, we need to back it up by telling them how much and why we care about them. We also need to be honest when their behavior hurts or concerns us. That doesn't mean threatening them with punishment. There also is no room for anger when we talk about it. A simple "I message" is best. "When you __________ it makes me feel ___________ because ____________." Your message might be, "When you got a ticket for speeding I got scared because I don't want you to get hurt in an accident."



The second lesson is the importance of unconditional love. No matter what our kids do, they are still our kids. Over the course of human history people have done all kinds of cruel things to each other. All of those things are offensive to the God who created us. In spite of that, God still loves us. When you are frustrated with your teenager, read Luke 15:11-24 and marvel at the love of that father. That's God's expectation for us.



Like in our relationship with God, it's never too late to turn things around.

Embracing Conflict

I spent yesterday morning with a group of middle school students discussing how best to deal with conflicts. Even though they were in the last few hours of a twenty-four hour lock-in, the kids were engaged. Maybe it was the fact that I followed a shaving cream fight but I also think it had something to do with the topic. Conflicts are a reality. If two people spend any time together, there will be conflicts. The Bible is only four chapters old when Cain kills his brother Abel as the result of a conflict.

I think the reason kids have a problem dealing with conflicts is because we as a society have a problem with it. Most parents are not good role models when it comes to handling conflict. The options are usually to flee or to fight. When we flee a conflict we are ignoring it, hoping it will go away. When we fight it we are confronting it, working out the differences. Unfortunately most of us continue to flee until things get so bad that we have to fight. By then, it's often to late to salvage the relationship because of all the accumulated baggage.

I encouraged my young friends yesterday to embrace conflict. We need to see conflicts as a growth point. It is also an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and others. In conflicts we tend to focus on our needs. When we embrace conflict we listen to the needs of others and seek to blend those with our needs to find a solution that satisfies both parties.

Discipline Not Punishment

In my recently released book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents Do To Screw-Up Their Kids, I dedicate one of the early chapters to the difference between punishment and discipline. I discovered this weekend I am not the first person who has written about the issue. One of my favorite Christian authors is Walter Wangerin Jr. Walt has a way of telling a story but more than that he relates God's grace to real life in a dynamic fashion. There is a personal connection for me in that Walt's younger brother was my freshman dorm counselor in college and their dad was one of my professors. When our son Mark was at Valparaiso University, Walt became his favorite professor. Wangerin relates three steps to discipline: 1) Anticipate the sin, 2) In the very instant of the sin, shine the light on it, 3) Heal the hurt. Wangerin uses the example of Peter's denial and Jesus' restoration.

The author of Hebrews addresses the topic in Hebrews 12. He writes that we are to, "endure hardship as discipline." God disciplines us in the same was a father disciplines his son, notes the author. Through discipline, God shapes and molds us into what He wants us to be. It can be painful, but in the end productive. Punishment only seeks to stop a behavior. Discipline uses the sin, as a teachable moment. Consider the following example:

Suppose you give your middle school daughter permission to spend Saturday afternoon at the home of some friends from school. In the middle of the afternoon you get a phone call from the security office at a local mall. It seems that your daughter and her friends have been caught shoplifting. The girls had decided they were bored so they hitched a ride to the mall. On arrival at the mall, you learn that your daughter was only an accessory and did not actually take anything, but she was there. She is released to you with only a reprimand from the authorities. How you respond when you get home is vital if you want this to be a learning experience. Punishment would mean sending your daughter to her room and grounding her for the next four weekend. You might also add, "And don't even think about going back to the mall until you are old enough to drive yourself. Mission Accomplished: The behavior will stop... at least temporarily. Discipline requires sitting down and discussing what took place and the potential implications. Walk you daughter through the decisions that led to her being there. Talk about what she could have done differently. Help your daughter understand the possible consequences. There's a good chance the other girls are going to talk about the incident at school on Monday. What is that going to do to her reputation? What will her teachers and coaches think when they hear about it? Lastly, discuss what kinds of structure you are going to put in place to assure that it doesn't happen again. Yes, there still might be some punishment but even there you might negotiate that with them. You might be surprised to learn sometimes kids are harder on themselves than we are on them.

Discipline is an important aspect of parenting. It's playing a role in helping them become what God intended them to be.