What to do With Bullies?

I am not a big fan of talk radio. I prefer to listen to news radio when I am at home, music when I am in the car. Oh yes, baseball is still best on the radio. But last Thursday I got into the car and there was a talk show. My favorite news station shifts to that format mid-day. Before I could change stations I recognized the topic. The discussion was on bullies in school. I was hooked because it's a topic I am familiar with and have strong feelings about. Our youngest son was the victim of bullies throughout his schooling. As a school counselor I also had to deal with both the victims and the bullies themselves. We instituted a peer mediation program at our school to help those who wanted help in dealing with bullies.

Most to the callers seemed to buy into the, "I teach me kid to defend themselves," camp. Such individuals would not only support their child if they chose to retaliate, but would be disappointed if they did not. Some of the predominately male callers even envoked the, "We're Texans and we always defend ourselves and our dignity." I was not suprised because I think most parents would respond the same way.

Let me continue by saying that bullying is a huge problem in our schools. Statistics indicate that three quarters of all kids report being bullied at one time or another. Being the victim is not fun and can lead to serious issues. Besides being scared and embarrassed, some kids even become physically sick. Others carry the long-term damage to their self esteem.

Responding to the bully with anger and brute force is exactly the wrong thing to do. When a student retaliates they give the bully exactly what they want. Bullies want the satisfaction of knowing they have control and power. Even if the situation escalates and the victim wins the confrontation the bully is the victor because they've gotten the response they wanted. They won't stop their behavior. They'll just look for another victim to control.

So how do we prepare of kids to deal with bullies? It starts by helping them feel good about themselves. We also need to discuss the issue with them before it happens so that they are prepared. Here are four steps you can discuss with your child.

1. Avoid those who have a reputation for being a bully. Bullies are never good friends, even on a casual level.

2. Get a buddy. Have a least one good friend that you know you can count on in all situations. It helps if they share similar values and interests. Discuss the issue of bullying with them before it happens.

3. If confronted by a bully communicate with them that you know what they are trying to do and that you don't intend to play their game. In other words stand up to them in a non-confrontational way.

4. If the bullying continues, seek adult help. A favorite teacher or the school counselor might be a good advocate. Teach your child that it's ok to admit that there is a problem and that you need help in dealing with it.

This is a topic you need to address with your child. We want them to become part of the solution and not part of the problem.