Entitlement

I saw it countless times during my years as a high school counselor. A student would turn sixteen and get their drivers license. Shortly thereafter they would be driving to school in a new or "gently used" car or suv that fit their image. A few weeks later I would see that same vehicle in the school parking lot with one or more damaged fenders or bumpers. A month or so later I would be at a school function and hear the student's parents complaining about how their car insurance had gone "through the roof because of a ticket their child had received."

The above is but one example of entitlement. A teenager turns sixteen and they feel they are entitled to a drivers license. Then they are entitled to a car of their own, one that fits their image. The reality is, not all sixteen year olds should be driving a motor vehicle. A drivers license is not something you are "entitled" to. It's a privilege that should be earned.

Barb and I have gone through it. All three of our kids went through driving school, and got their licenses. We had two "kid cars" over the years. The first one was a brown Ford Granada that the kids called the "Turbo Turd." As I recall it had about 75,000 miles when we bought it and lasted until well past 150,000. Aside from a minor fender bender, I don't recall any other incidents, or tickets. Our kids were allowed to drive because we felt they were mature enough and could handle the responsibility.

Entitlement is a real issue today, not just with teens but with adults too. We feel we are owed something just because of who we are. In the case of any sixteen year old who longs for that license and first car: That should be mom and dad's decision based on their son's/daughter's level of maturity. Unfortunately the same child who wins the table over the $1.00 candy bar in the store check-out line often wins the battle in the car showroom too.

The Blame Game

Golf's U. S. Open was played this past weekend at the Pebble Beach Golf Links in California. While neither of them won, much of the focus was on the world's two top professional golfers; Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. Both men putted poorly during the first round on Thursday and their scores reflected it. Their reactions to the their on-course stuggles provide an example of the difference between the two men. Tiger blamed the greens, stating they were "awful." Phil used the world "awful" in reaction to his round as well, but it was in reference to the way he putted.

From my perspective Tiger Woods represents much of what is wrong with our culture. When things don't work out we want to blame others. When we find ourselves in trouble our first response is to look for someone else on whom we can place the blame on.

I saw it time and again during my years as a school counselor. When a student got in trouble, it was always someone elses fault. It was rare when they immediately assumed responsibility for their actions. The teachers were against them. The school had to many "stupid" rules. Their friends were doing the same thing and didn't get caught. Unfortunately parents often fell into the same trap. Attempts to discipline their child was met with resistence because it wasn't their fault.

All of us need to take ownership for our own actions. When we screw-up we need to admit it, and not blame others. As a parent, you need to get all the facts before jumping to a conclusion when your kids are accused of something. It's time to turn things around and stop the "American Blame Game."

Who Are We Doing This For?

I recently got an e-mail from a friend who is an early childhood administrator. She expressed her indignation over the celebration of kindergarten graduations. She had inherited a situation where it was a formal event with the kids wearing caps and gowns. Any attempt to change the tradition was met with resistance by, you guessed it, the parents. Granted, completing kindgarten is a bit of a "right of passage" but I think it's lost some of its significance due to the fact that so many schools offer full-day kindergarten. With the emphasis on early-childhood education, a lot of formal learning has already taken place. Unlike other transitions, grade school to middle school and middle school to high school for example, most kindergarteners will continue their education on the same campus.

I could not help but think about the tradition of youth confirmation. I am a Lutheran and one of the traditions of our denominations is confirmation. Most churches confirm young people sometime during their middle school years, usually 8th grade. Every study that's ever been done on the issue of youth confirmation has shown that it is the worst possible time for young people to be making such a statement of faith. Instruction, yes. Allowing them to receive the Lord's Supper, yes. Confession of faith, maybe. Few middle school students lack the maturity. But almost every attempt to alter the tradition has been met with resistence, not from clergy and church educators but from parents. Youth confirmation is a tradition. They went through it. Their parents had a party for them and they want to provide the same for their kids. That is the bottom line - it's an opportunity to host a party. No matter that the timing is wrong. Nobody is going to "rain on their parade."

It causes me to ask the question: Who are we doing this for? Is the celebration for the kids or for the parents? If it's for the parents, then perhaps it's doing more harm than good.

Obese Kids are at Risk but Not Just for the Reason You Think

I can't go shopping without running into them. They, in this case, are parents with obese kids. It's usually mom who is pushing the cart, often filled with junk foods, while the kids trail behind munching on chips or a candy bar. I can only shake my head and try to hold my tongue. Don't they see the same statistics that I do. Obese kids are more at risk for health problems. Obesity leads to heart and blood pressure problem, not to mention the risk of diabetes.

Now there is another reason to address the issue of childhood obesity. Chubby kids are bullied more. Researchers at the University of Michigan analyzed incidents of bullying involving 821 kids ages 8 - 11. Over-weight kids were bullied more than their normal weight peers. About one third of the children in our country are obese but over two-thirds of those who were bullied had weight issues.

Obese kids also experience more depression, anxiety and lonliness that do their peers. This issue becomes more grave when kids enter into the teen years. Middle school kids can be especially cruel when it comes to the treatment of peers who are overweight.

The time to address childhood obesity is now. Obese kids are not only at risk when it comes to physical health but emotional health as well.

Lack of Eye Contact is My #1 Concern About Today's Teens

Back in March of this year I had the opportunity to be part of a panel discussion. The occasion was the Fiftieth Anniversary of Director of Christian Education (DCE) ministry in the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. I spent the first twenty-five years of my ministry as a parish DCE focusing on youth ministry, which I guess qualifies me as a pioneer in the eyes of my peers.

One of the first questions to the panel was; What is the biggest change in ministry since my early years? I must admit that I had often considered that as I watch today's youth ministry professionals sort through the wealth of resources available. I was handed a Concordia Publishing House catalog on my day of graduation. The expectation was all I needed could be found there. Our church body had a team of four professional in St. Louis who produced resources that were supposedly up to date and doctrinally pure. Of the two major publishers today, Youth Specialties was just getting started and Group Publishing was just a dream in Thom Schultz's mind. The only media was 16 mm films that came on big reels and had to be ordered via mail, usually at a hefty price.

I have recently had to re-think my answer. I still believe the abundance of resources available today is the greatest change but probably the biggest challange comes from the way today's teens communicate.

I have recieved a lot of feedback from a comment I posted on my Facebook page last week. I referenced the latest findings that report the average teenagers sends fifty or more text messages each day. I had the opportunity to spend last Friday at Dallas Lutheran School and many of my former colleagues wanted to share their comments and opinions on the topic. All found the trend disturbing. One noted that she had observed two high school students in the hallway standing six feet apart but still using their cell phones to communicate.

I must admit that I do find texting convenient. "Meeting Still on?" "B there in 10 min." But I also recognize the value of face to face conversation. There are so many more ways to communiate than just written words. I value eye contact. I want to observe body language. Even the tone of voice and cadence can tell me so much.

If you share my concern, I would encourage you to talk it through with your teenager. Maybe you need to establish some ground rules in terms of texting within your family. There is still a need for one-on-one discussion within the home.

Parents Never Stop Teaching

I recently returned from spending a few days in Michigan with my mom. She celebrated her 89th birthday while I was there. Mom has an apartment in a retirement community. She does pretty well for her age but has reached the point where she does depend a lot on others. Much of the responsibility falls on my brother who lives fifteen minutes from her but when I am there I find myself in the position of parenting my mom. She did have her "to do" list and we spent one whole day running errands. I discovered one evening that mom is still capable of teaching me a few things when it comes to faith.

My dad has been dead over five years but I know she still misses him. She confessed one time that she still cries at night when she gets in bed. But mom is a person who lives with the hope of eternal life. I was reminded of that on my first night there. I was relaxing in bed with a book when I heard her singing loud and clear in the next room. "Abide with me, fast falls the even-tide. The darkness deepens, Lord with me abide." I put my book aside and listened. How could such a quiverring voice convey such strength and conviction. Suddenly I was the one with tears in my eyes. "Hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes. Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies. Heaven's morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee. In life, in death, O Lord abide with me."

Suddenly I was the child again and my mother was singing me a lullaby. Her message was loud and clear. She is a person of faith in Jesus Christ. She lives in the hope of a joyful reunion in heaven. What a legacy she is passing on!

We will always be parents to our kids. Our role and influence might change, but our duty, as conveyors of the faith, is unchanging. How will you communicate today the hope that you personally have in Jesus? How will your child see Jesus and the hope he brings, in your life?

Is Your Child the Bully?

Bullies have parents too. While no parent wants to think of their child as being a bully, the reality is the potential is always present. Bullying has received a lot of attention lately. In the process, some myths regarding bullies have been debunked. One example: Bullies are loners. In actuality bullies often are surround by friends. Bullies need an audience and support system. Bullies know how to manipulate, so over time their peers may become unknowing accomplices. Another myth is that bullies have low self esteem. In reality the exact opposite could be true. Kids with an elevated self esteem can use bullying as a way to reinforce and insulate their self image.

So what are some warning signs:

Abuse of Power: Power is a convenient tool. We can use physical or verbal power to gain control over other people. In the process we can get them to do what we want them to do for us. Parents can prevent their children from falling into the "power trap" by not allowing themselves to be manipulated. They also should be good role models when it comes to abuse of power. Spanking and other physical uses of power might work with infants and toddlers but they might teach older children that they can use force to get their peers to do what they want them to do for them.

Anger: All human emotions are gifts from God. As such, anger is a part of being human. It's what we do with our anger that makes it wrong. When we use anger as a way to gain control of a situation it can have a negative long-term effect. When our children have fits of anger we may feel a need to give in. If we see anger in our teens we need to confront it, because it's proably not going to go away. The conversation won't be productive when they are aggitated. The time to talk about their anger is when they are calm.

Teasing: Ok, teasing has always been a part of being a family. We all might gently tease at times. Persistent teasing is not healthy. It can belittling. It also can give us control over another person. A good rule for a family is to respect the words, "stop that." When an individual requests that a particular word or action come to an end, we need to abide by that request. When we continue the action we are putting ourselves in a position of control over them.

We all tend to think of our own kids as being the victim. We want to protect them in all circumstance. When it comes to bullying we need to make sure we have all the information before jumping to conclusions. That especially must be the case if we see some of the warning signs ourselves.