Living Your Dreams Through Your Kids

I had to nod in agreement as I read the editorial, The Kids Aren't Alright, in this week's Sports Illustrated. The author is Mark Hyman who wrote the book Until It Hurts: America's Obsession With Youth Sports and How it Harms Our Kids. Hyman writes of a ten year old female tennis player who saw a doctor for an aching shoulder. The mother noted that her daughter was a rapidly climbing junior tennis player. "To reach the family's goals, she had two weeks to reach number 5." When the doctor diagnosed a stress fracture that would require six month of rest, the mother flew into a rage. The mother felt her child could be treated wtih therapy while she continued to play.

In my soon to be released book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents do to Screw-Up Their Kids, I identify living your dreams vicariously through your kids as one of the common mistakes parents make. It's one that I can identify with. Fortunately I learned my lesson. When our son, Peter, was a high school junior he was receiving feelers from colleges because of his skills as a basketball player. My head was in the clouds until he informed me he wasn't interested. He wanted to go to college to get an education, not play basketball.

Our daughter was into gymnastics at the time of the Olympic Dream Team. Shannon Miller was her idol. Katie was moving up through the levels when she was in eighth grade. Two night before the first meet of the season she sprained her ankle in practice. We were disappointed but listened to the doctor who said no gym for three months. That ended the season. She quit gymnastics after that and began to take her music more seriously. She ended up at TCU on a music scholarship. Funny how God works things out.

What parent doesn't want their kid to succeed? The problem comes when we push them too hard. Often that's because we see our dreams being fulfilled through them. Perhaps, they can accomplish thing we didn't. In my case I was barely a bench player in basketball. I learned the game by sitting next to the coach. Peter, on the other hand, had star potential. He was an All District Player his senior year. But by that time he had made his point. Basketball was recreation, something he did, and still does, to stay in shape.

When it comes to your kids and their extra-curricular activities you need to ask the question, who is this for? It should always be about them, their interests and their God-given talents.