Discipline Not Punishment

In my recently released book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the Seven Things Parents Do To Screw-Up Their Kids, I dedicate one of the early chapters to the difference between punishment and discipline. I discovered this weekend I am not the first person who has written about the issue. One of my favorite Christian authors is Walter Wangerin Jr. Walt has a way of telling a story but more than that he relates God's grace to real life in a dynamic fashion. There is a personal connection for me in that Walt's younger brother was my freshman dorm counselor in college and their dad was one of my professors. When our son Mark was at Valparaiso University, Walt became his favorite professor. Wangerin relates three steps to discipline: 1) Anticipate the sin, 2) In the very instant of the sin, shine the light on it, 3) Heal the hurt. Wangerin uses the example of Peter's denial and Jesus' restoration.

The author of Hebrews addresses the topic in Hebrews 12. He writes that we are to, "endure hardship as discipline." God disciplines us in the same was a father disciplines his son, notes the author. Through discipline, God shapes and molds us into what He wants us to be. It can be painful, but in the end productive. Punishment only seeks to stop a behavior. Discipline uses the sin, as a teachable moment. Consider the following example:

Suppose you give your middle school daughter permission to spend Saturday afternoon at the home of some friends from school. In the middle of the afternoon you get a phone call from the security office at a local mall. It seems that your daughter and her friends have been caught shoplifting. The girls had decided they were bored so they hitched a ride to the mall. On arrival at the mall, you learn that your daughter was only an accessory and did not actually take anything, but she was there. She is released to you with only a reprimand from the authorities. How you respond when you get home is vital if you want this to be a learning experience. Punishment would mean sending your daughter to her room and grounding her for the next four weekend. You might also add, "And don't even think about going back to the mall until you are old enough to drive yourself. Mission Accomplished: The behavior will stop... at least temporarily. Discipline requires sitting down and discussing what took place and the potential implications. Walk you daughter through the decisions that led to her being there. Talk about what she could have done differently. Help your daughter understand the possible consequences. There's a good chance the other girls are going to talk about the incident at school on Monday. What is that going to do to her reputation? What will her teachers and coaches think when they hear about it? Lastly, discuss what kinds of structure you are going to put in place to assure that it doesn't happen again. Yes, there still might be some punishment but even there you might negotiate that with them. You might be surprised to learn sometimes kids are harder on themselves than we are on them.

Discipline is an important aspect of parenting. It's playing a role in helping them become what God intended them to be.