About a month ago I got my first i-Phone. Barb has had her for over a year. Mark and Katie have Apple smart phones as well. My old phone broke; Coming from a counseling background, it's really frustrating when I have a phone where people can hear me but I can't hear them. It would have cost almost $100 to replace my old phone. When I asked for other options I was shown an i-Phone which was half of the cost. I am learning to use it, although for the first few weeks I wondered how a smart phone could make a person feel so dumb.
It is really a useful tool. I was at a conference last week and took my notes on my phone and then e-mailed them to myself so I could print them when I got home. I appreciate being able to access e-mails on the road, and map/GPS feature is helpful.
While I am becoming more comfortable with the phone, I am still struggling with the name. I recognize Apple intent in marketing product with the name "i". But really, does our self absorbed culture does not need another product that focuses on the individual. Personally,I don't want my phone to be about me. I want it to be a vehicle that allows me access to others and their worlds. If there is a convenience, it should come from my ability to be more organized and accessible.
Today's technology is amazing. I can't comprehend where we might be ten years from now, considering how different our world is today from even five years ago. When I reflect on how different our world is today from when our kids were teens I marvel at the great communication system God has given us. Texting gives you instant access into your teen's world. Even if they don't respond, they will still see your message to "Be careful" and "Stay safe." They will take your parental conscience with them wherever they go. Imagine that: Your kids will always have a link to you in their pocket or purse.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
How Do We Respond to Authority?
I grew up on the eastside of Detroit. I recall a time when a neighbor's house caught fire. As kids we had the opportunity to watch all the action as the firemen battled the flames. We then spent months as "sidewalk superintendents" watching the remodeling. We were just grateful that it wasn't our house. I get the same feeling living in Dallas and not being a Dallas Cowboy fan. It's great entertainment and I am just glad it's not my team.
It's happened again. Two the local heroes were in trouble over the weekend. In the case of wide receiver Dez Bryant, his actions not only made the news but raised some eyebrows. Mr. Bryant was with some associates at North Park Mall when the security folks, who are off-duty Dallas Police, asked them to pull up their shorts because their underwear was showing. Instead of complying, Mr. Bryant cursed at the officers and pointed out that they were not stealing anything or doing something illegal. It seems that this is not the first time North Park security has had to deal with Mr. Bryant. There have been two other incidents where he has gotten into arguments with a shopkeeper and with a female friend.
I guess what is troubling to me is the way this individual responded to authority. The request was simple. "Pull up you pants." I am not sure that a "No Sagging" sign is posted at North Park, but I know I have seen them in other public places where young people gather. When an authority figure, especially a police officer, asks you to do something, your only response should always be "Yes Sir," or "Yes Mam."
I don't know much about Dez Bryant's background. Perhaps he hasn't had the role models in his life who taught him how to respond to those in authority. If that is the case, I hope someone steps in soon to be that figure. What is troubling to me is the number of times I have witnessed similar responses from young people who should know better. Often the source of their antagonistic behvior becomes clear when I meet their parents. The "adults" in this case are quick to defend their "child" while calling into question any adult who would accuse their son/daughter, no matter what position of authority they might have.
Your kids are watching to see how you respond to the authorities in your life. When you show respect, and a willingness to cooperate, you are teaching them a valuable lesson. And before you jump to any conclusions, make sure you have all the information.
It's happened again. Two the local heroes were in trouble over the weekend. In the case of wide receiver Dez Bryant, his actions not only made the news but raised some eyebrows. Mr. Bryant was with some associates at North Park Mall when the security folks, who are off-duty Dallas Police, asked them to pull up their shorts because their underwear was showing. Instead of complying, Mr. Bryant cursed at the officers and pointed out that they were not stealing anything or doing something illegal. It seems that this is not the first time North Park security has had to deal with Mr. Bryant. There have been two other incidents where he has gotten into arguments with a shopkeeper and with a female friend.
I guess what is troubling to me is the way this individual responded to authority. The request was simple. "Pull up you pants." I am not sure that a "No Sagging" sign is posted at North Park, but I know I have seen them in other public places where young people gather. When an authority figure, especially a police officer, asks you to do something, your only response should always be "Yes Sir," or "Yes Mam."
I don't know much about Dez Bryant's background. Perhaps he hasn't had the role models in his life who taught him how to respond to those in authority. If that is the case, I hope someone steps in soon to be that figure. What is troubling to me is the number of times I have witnessed similar responses from young people who should know better. Often the source of their antagonistic behvior becomes clear when I meet their parents. The "adults" in this case are quick to defend their "child" while calling into question any adult who would accuse their son/daughter, no matter what position of authority they might have.
Your kids are watching to see how you respond to the authorities in your life. When you show respect, and a willingness to cooperate, you are teaching them a valuable lesson. And before you jump to any conclusions, make sure you have all the information.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
CHEATING: WHERE IS IT ROOTED?
Two news articles that I read last week reminded me that cheating continues to be a growing problem in our schools.
During my years at Lutheran High School of Dallas, I taught advance placement psychology in addition to my responsibilities as a school counselor. My students were required to do a research paper. As part of grading process I would check to make sure the papers were actually the work of the students and not plagiarized. On the average, one paper in five had at least in part been copied from the internet. Often whole papers had been downloaded. I required those who had cheated to re-write the paper. They were docked 10% - 25% on their grade, depending on the degree of the offense.
According to the Josephson Institute on Values, 62% of students admit to having cheated on a test. Over 50% acknowledge copying all or part of a major paper.
80% confessed to copying another student's homework. A recent article in USA Today reported that one-half of all teens admit to storing information on their cell phone that is then used during a test.
Cheating is not limited to students. Teachers at George Washington Carver Academy, a charter school in Highland Park Michigan, are under the watchful eye of state officials. In the past the teachers were caught altering the scores on state proficiency tests. Across the country, thousands of teachers admit to having doctored tests scores. It's no wonder. The pressure is on teachers to perform. Salary incentives and even their jobs might be on the line if performance does not improve.
Before we start judging students and teachers, let me ask you a question. Do you always drive at the speed limit? My experience tells me probably not. I do obey the posted limit. When I drive Interstate 635, the loop that circles Dallas, I often feel like I am a highway cone. It seems like no one is driving the speed limit. I know the excuses because I have heard them. "I need to speed just to keep up with traffic," or "The police won't bother you unless you are going at least
10 MPH over the limit."
The reality is: Cheating is cheating. Sixty MPH means the speed limit is sixty. You exceed that and you are breaking the law. And that is where cheating is rooted.
During my years at Lutheran High School of Dallas, I taught advance placement psychology in addition to my responsibilities as a school counselor. My students were required to do a research paper. As part of grading process I would check to make sure the papers were actually the work of the students and not plagiarized. On the average, one paper in five had at least in part been copied from the internet. Often whole papers had been downloaded. I required those who had cheated to re-write the paper. They were docked 10% - 25% on their grade, depending on the degree of the offense.
According to the Josephson Institute on Values, 62% of students admit to having cheated on a test. Over 50% acknowledge copying all or part of a major paper.
80% confessed to copying another student's homework. A recent article in USA Today reported that one-half of all teens admit to storing information on their cell phone that is then used during a test.
Cheating is not limited to students. Teachers at George Washington Carver Academy, a charter school in Highland Park Michigan, are under the watchful eye of state officials. In the past the teachers were caught altering the scores on state proficiency tests. Across the country, thousands of teachers admit to having doctored tests scores. It's no wonder. The pressure is on teachers to perform. Salary incentives and even their jobs might be on the line if performance does not improve.
Before we start judging students and teachers, let me ask you a question. Do you always drive at the speed limit? My experience tells me probably not. I do obey the posted limit. When I drive Interstate 635, the loop that circles Dallas, I often feel like I am a highway cone. It seems like no one is driving the speed limit. I know the excuses because I have heard them. "I need to speed just to keep up with traffic," or "The police won't bother you unless you are going at least
10 MPH over the limit."
The reality is: Cheating is cheating. Sixty MPH means the speed limit is sixty. You exceed that and you are breaking the law. And that is where cheating is rooted.
Monday, March 7, 2011
America, We Have a Problem
America's public education system has been in the news lately for all the wrong reasons. The Wisconsin Teacher's Union has made headlines over their stand-off with the states governor. Here in Texas, our public schools are facing a crisis due to the state budget shortfall. All school district are slashing millions from their budgets as less money will be available from the state. This comes at a time when test scores indicate that less that fifty percent of our countries 8th graders can read proficiently.
In his book, Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell dedicates a whole chapter to the crisis in American schools. He focuses on the difference between Asian schools and our U.S. educational system. It's hard to deny that students from far eastern countries have passed U.S. students in terms of achievement. Gladwell points out one basis difference. Asian students do not get an extended break, summer vacation, like most American students do. Gladwell uses statistics to point out how cognitive skills are lost over the long summer break.
A second factor is that in the Asian culture the brightest college students are encouraged to go into careers in education. Teachers are not only fairly compensated but viewed with much esteem. Contrast that to America where our brightest and best often go into high tech or business careers.
Turning around our country's educational system is not going to happen overnight. I am afraid we need to get past our current financial crisis before we can even begin to address long-range changes.
I do have one suggestion for parents. Get involved. In Texas thousands of people pack football stadium on Friday nights, but few people attend school board meetings. Most school PTA programs have died from lack of interest. The average school board election attracts less than 25% of the eligible voters. The key to addressing any crisis is to attack it head-on. It begins with you and the ownership you take in your child's education.
In his book, Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell dedicates a whole chapter to the crisis in American schools. He focuses on the difference between Asian schools and our U.S. educational system. It's hard to deny that students from far eastern countries have passed U.S. students in terms of achievement. Gladwell points out one basis difference. Asian students do not get an extended break, summer vacation, like most American students do. Gladwell uses statistics to point out how cognitive skills are lost over the long summer break.
A second factor is that in the Asian culture the brightest college students are encouraged to go into careers in education. Teachers are not only fairly compensated but viewed with much esteem. Contrast that to America where our brightest and best often go into high tech or business careers.
Turning around our country's educational system is not going to happen overnight. I am afraid we need to get past our current financial crisis before we can even begin to address long-range changes.
I do have one suggestion for parents. Get involved. In Texas thousands of people pack football stadium on Friday nights, but few people attend school board meetings. Most school PTA programs have died from lack of interest. The average school board election attracts less than 25% of the eligible voters. The key to addressing any crisis is to attack it head-on. It begins with you and the ownership you take in your child's education.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Gay Marriage: A Disturbing Trend
The Pew Research Center tracks and analyses trends in society and culture. I found one item in an update from them last week very disturbing. According to a survey of 6,000 Americans, gay marriages are becoming much more socially acceptable. The study was conducted last year and then compared to statistics from 1996. In 1996 65%of those surveyed opposed gay marriage and 27% viewed it a favorable. In the most recent study 48% opposed and 42% favored same-sex unions. The moral swing becomes even more dramatic when compared to data from just one year earlier (2009). In one year there was a 5% increase in those viewing gay marriage favorably (37% to 42%).
As a Christian, I view same-sex unions as wrong. From the beginning of creation, God ordained the estate of marriage as a union between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24). When Paul was writing to the Christians in Rome, he states in the opening chapter that, "...men also abandoned natural relationships with women and were inflamed with lust for one another," (Romans 1:27). Paul traces their depraved conduct (Romans 1:28) to the fact that they had failed to retain the "knowledge of God." We need look no further than the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to see the consequence when people abandon God ordained sexual relationships. If you have doubts I would encourage you to read Genesis 19. Scary stuff!
Passing on the heritage of faith to our children is vital. When it comes to practicing that faith and the walk of discipleship, the sanctity of marriage as the union between one man and one woman is imperative.
For five years in the mid-nineties we had a lesbian couple as next door neighbors. They were very open about their relationship, and knew from early on that I did not approve. Still, I attempted to be cordial. We lent each other garden tools and helped each other out when a lightening strike damaged both of our homes. The day they moved out they made a point of coming over and thanking me for being a good neighbor.
That needs to be our attitude toward those who support or are involved in same-sex unions. Like Jesus we need to hate the sin, but love the sinner. But when it comes to our own children we need to teach them that the union between one man and one woman is the only acceptable form of marriage in God's eyes.
As a Christian, I view same-sex unions as wrong. From the beginning of creation, God ordained the estate of marriage as a union between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24). When Paul was writing to the Christians in Rome, he states in the opening chapter that, "...men also abandoned natural relationships with women and were inflamed with lust for one another," (Romans 1:27). Paul traces their depraved conduct (Romans 1:28) to the fact that they had failed to retain the "knowledge of God." We need look no further than the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to see the consequence when people abandon God ordained sexual relationships. If you have doubts I would encourage you to read Genesis 19. Scary stuff!
Passing on the heritage of faith to our children is vital. When it comes to practicing that faith and the walk of discipleship, the sanctity of marriage as the union between one man and one woman is imperative.
For five years in the mid-nineties we had a lesbian couple as next door neighbors. They were very open about their relationship, and knew from early on that I did not approve. Still, I attempted to be cordial. We lent each other garden tools and helped each other out when a lightening strike damaged both of our homes. The day they moved out they made a point of coming over and thanking me for being a good neighbor.
That needs to be our attitude toward those who support or are involved in same-sex unions. Like Jesus we need to hate the sin, but love the sinner. But when it comes to our own children we need to teach them that the union between one man and one woman is the only acceptable form of marriage in God's eyes.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tiger Mom, Meet Tiger Woods
The term "Tiger Mom" has received a lot of press lately. Amy Chau introduced us to this approach to parenting in her best selling book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom. For those not familiar, Tiger Moms use a strict Chinese approach to parenting. Need an example? When Chau's young daughter presented her with a hand-made birthday card she threw it back at her because it wasn't, in her opinion, the daughter's best effort. "I deserve better than this. So I reject it." she responded. Tiger Moms always demand the best effort. Among other things not allowed under the Tiger Mom rules:
No grade lower than an A,
No participation in school plays
No sleepovers,
No TV or video games
Not playing either the piano or violin
For obvious reasons, the concept of Tiger Moms has polarized parents. Meredith Viera, the usually sunny co-host of NBC's Today Show, expressed nothing but contempt for Chau during a January interview. Many have labed Amy Chau a monster. Others have used even stronger language.
In my book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the 7 Things Parents do to Screw-Up their Kids, I address the issue of being a manager, versus being a consultant to your kids. I use the example of dressing your child. When they are infants you buy their clothes and dress them. Over time they learn to dress themselves, even gaining skill at selecting what they will wear. By the time they reach high school they might even be buying their own clothes. There comes a point when we can express our opinion, but ultimately they are going to make the choice. If we observe them making what in our opinion is a poor choice, we can communicate that, hopefully along with an explanation. Ultimately, it still their decision. Will they make mistakes? You bet, but they will learn from them.
Tiger Woods is an example of how Tiger Parenting (note the irony) can backfire. In his case it was a "Tiger Dad." Earl Woods was a demanding, military style, father. He demanded excellence. He would accept nothing but the best from his son, and in time it paid off. Tiger Woods became the most successful golfer of all time and is credited with changing the game. But Earl Woods died in 2006. At first the changes were subtle, but over time Tiger's life was out of control. Now he is more pitied than admired.
In the case of Tiger Woods, his fall was very public, but I have witnessed numerous other examples. Kids, raised in a stict environment who excelled in high school,who go off to college and fall off the "deep end." Without the ever-present supervision of a Tiger Parent, they lacked the skills to make good choices on their own, or worse yet they act out their anger over their repressive home up-bringing.
Tiger Parenting can never be a good thing.
No grade lower than an A,
No participation in school plays
No sleepovers,
No TV or video games
Not playing either the piano or violin
For obvious reasons, the concept of Tiger Moms has polarized parents. Meredith Viera, the usually sunny co-host of NBC's Today Show, expressed nothing but contempt for Chau during a January interview. Many have labed Amy Chau a monster. Others have used even stronger language.
In my book, Parenting Without Guilt: Avoiding the 7 Things Parents do to Screw-Up their Kids, I address the issue of being a manager, versus being a consultant to your kids. I use the example of dressing your child. When they are infants you buy their clothes and dress them. Over time they learn to dress themselves, even gaining skill at selecting what they will wear. By the time they reach high school they might even be buying their own clothes. There comes a point when we can express our opinion, but ultimately they are going to make the choice. If we observe them making what in our opinion is a poor choice, we can communicate that, hopefully along with an explanation. Ultimately, it still their decision. Will they make mistakes? You bet, but they will learn from them.
Tiger Woods is an example of how Tiger Parenting (note the irony) can backfire. In his case it was a "Tiger Dad." Earl Woods was a demanding, military style, father. He demanded excellence. He would accept nothing but the best from his son, and in time it paid off. Tiger Woods became the most successful golfer of all time and is credited with changing the game. But Earl Woods died in 2006. At first the changes were subtle, but over time Tiger's life was out of control. Now he is more pitied than admired.
In the case of Tiger Woods, his fall was very public, but I have witnessed numerous other examples. Kids, raised in a stict environment who excelled in high school,who go off to college and fall off the "deep end." Without the ever-present supervision of a Tiger Parent, they lacked the skills to make good choices on their own, or worse yet they act out their anger over their repressive home up-bringing.
Tiger Parenting can never be a good thing.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
She Broke Her Daddy's Achy Breaky Heart
In an interview released to the public yesterday, singer Billy Ray Cyrus is quoted as saying the Disney show "Hannah Montana" destroyed his family. His daughter Miley Cyrus became a teen idol portraying the character. Now Cyrus is saying, "I wish the show had never happened." He now believes that his daughter is spinning out of control. This comes after she celebrated her 18th birthday at a private party held in a bar. To hear the parent of a teen idol use the term "spinning out of control" immediately causes me to think of Lindsay Lohan. While Cyrus does not mention Ms. Lohan he does compare Miley's path to that taken by Anna Nicole Smith and Kurt Cobain, two celebrities whose lives came to tragic ends.
Am I surpised by this turn of events? No. Miley Cyrus has given plenty of indications that she wanted to leave the Hannah Montana character behind and move on to more adult roles. Reality is, this is a risk that any parent takes when they allow their teen to function in an adult environment. In this case, Billy Ray was a contributor since he appeared in the show. Now he also states, "He tried to hard to be a friend instead of a parent to his daughter."
Teens are not equipped to handle adult situations. When the feelings and temptations of adulthood arise, they are not capable of making wise choices. Literally, it's the way they are not wired. The pre-frontal cortex, that part of the brain where decisions are made, is still in development. That portion of the brain isn't fully functioning until the mid-twenties. Without it, there is no link between emotions and long-term memory. Teen are much more susceptible to impulsive behavior. They have feeling and emtion, and no concept in terms of what to do with them.
Parents need to keep this in mind when allowing their teens to hangout with, or even date friends who are more than a year or two older. Such behavior could put them at risk. The feelings, and yes even the passion, will increase with age. So can the temptations, and if you think your "good kid" is immune I just pray you are not mistaken. Just ask Billy Ray Cyrus. I think he is asking for a "do-over" and real life does not allow that.
Am I surpised by this turn of events? No. Miley Cyrus has given plenty of indications that she wanted to leave the Hannah Montana character behind and move on to more adult roles. Reality is, this is a risk that any parent takes when they allow their teen to function in an adult environment. In this case, Billy Ray was a contributor since he appeared in the show. Now he also states, "He tried to hard to be a friend instead of a parent to his daughter."
Teens are not equipped to handle adult situations. When the feelings and temptations of adulthood arise, they are not capable of making wise choices. Literally, it's the way they are not wired. The pre-frontal cortex, that part of the brain where decisions are made, is still in development. That portion of the brain isn't fully functioning until the mid-twenties. Without it, there is no link between emotions and long-term memory. Teen are much more susceptible to impulsive behavior. They have feeling and emtion, and no concept in terms of what to do with them.
Parents need to keep this in mind when allowing their teens to hangout with, or even date friends who are more than a year or two older. Such behavior could put them at risk. The feelings, and yes even the passion, will increase with age. So can the temptations, and if you think your "good kid" is immune I just pray you are not mistaken. Just ask Billy Ray Cyrus. I think he is asking for a "do-over" and real life does not allow that.
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