Thanksgiving 2012: Learning Flexability

We celebrated our National Day of Thanksgiving last week.  Thanksgiving has become my favorite holiday.  My wife might differ since she is the one who does the cooking, but for me it's a relaxing time with family.  There are not a lot of decorations to put up, and no gifts to be bought.  I don't recall ever sending out Thanksgiving cards.  My tasks are simple: get the house cleaned, make sure all the leaves are in the dinning room table and then carve up the turkey once the family arrives.  Our family celebration of Thanksgiving has become a twenty-four hour event.  We spend time playing board games with the kids, playing football in the backyard and those who wish to participate in some Black Friday shopping.

We faced a dilemma this year, however.  This was the first Thanksgiving that all our our children are married.  We learned early on that our daughter, Katie, and husband John were going to be in Houston with his family Thanksgiving Day.  Our youngest son, Mark and his new bride, Kristen, were going to Georgetown, Texas to be with her parents.  With the two youngest siblings gone, our oldest son, Peter, and his family decided they would spend the day with Amy's family in Whitesboro, Texas.  As a result we were faced with having to spend Thanksgiving Day in our empty nest.

There was some despair once we realized our traditional schedule was in jeopardy, but I was confident that our kids would work in time with mom and dad.   First-off my wife might put on the the best Thanksgiving Feast in  the south and no one wants to miss out.  Secondly, they enjoy time together.  Instead of fretting, I waited until they worked out the schedule between themselves, and indeed they did.  The kids started drifting in Friday afternoon and Barb had the traditional dinner ready for 5:00 PM.  It even extended into Saturday.  Everyone was here for breakfast and more fellowship.  They even took time to help me with chores: raking leaves, hanging the Christmas light and cleaning out the chimney.

One of the things that I am learning in my old age is flexibility.  There are no longer any "givens" and all things are in a state of change.  Secondly, if you love your kids unconditionally and provide a place of refuge and relaxation they will always find their way back home.  

By the way, they even watch out for us: Our daughter-in-law Amy invited us to join her family 's Thanksgiving celebration in Whitesboro.  In the process we discovered another family that shares the same faith and values. 

Some Thoughts on our Divided Country

The recent national election provided another example of how divided our country is.  The margin of victory for President Obama over the Republican candidate, Mitt Romney was only 3 million votes.  Even though the election was lost, 48% of Americans voted for Mr. Romney, in effect voting against the present administration.  Looking at a map of our country, the divide is obvious.  The President gained his support from the northeast and the west coast, while the Republicans remained strong in the south. 

Currently, one of the most divisive issues is that of gay marriage.  Our president supports gay rights.  That stance mirrors almost exactly the election results.  Support for gay marriage is strongest in New England (62%) and the Mid-Atlantic (57%) regions and lowest in the South Central region (35%).  Opposition is the strongest in the south; 56% in the South Central and 48% in the South Atlantic regions.  Public opinion on the president's health care reform package is similar.  The ultimate example of the chasm might be the votes cast by evangelicals.  72% of evangelical Christians voted for the Republican candidate, while only 23% voted Democratic. 

I have heard a lot of "Whoa is us" comments in these post-election days.  There is even a campaign to have The State of Texas, where we live, secede from the union.  I prefer to view our present situation as a challenge.  I would encourage those who share my perspective to do the same.  This is especially important for parents of teens.  If our traditional faith and values are to be past on to the next generation the responsibility lies with us.  We certainly cannot look to the government,or the education system to impart our biblical value system. 

There has never been a more critical time for Christian parents.  We need to not only be teaching faith and values, but living them out.  More importantly, we must be pointing to The Scriptures and helping young people understand what God''s desire is for his people.  And while we are doing that, we need to be praying for our leaders, especially our president and the member of  the congress.  The future of our nation and the souls of our children are at stake.

Schools and the Private Lives of Their Students

Highland Park High School is in the news for all the wrong reasons.  For those not familiar  with DFW Metroplex, Highland Park is a very affluent community within the city of Dallas.  Locals often refer to the "Highland Park Bubble."  The cities of Highland Park, and adjacent University Park, seem to exist in a world and culture of their own.  As expected, Highland Park High School is one of the top schools in the state of Texas both in academics and athletics.  Yesterday it was reported that HPHS had suspended over thirty students from extra-curricular activities.  The discipline was not the result of anything that took place on campus, rather a response to something that took place off campus, after school hours.  The students attended a concert at a local club where there were reports of illegal behavior by teens.  Both alcohol and drugs were present, and witnesses reported seeing many teens involved.  This follows, by a week, the arrest of a HPHS athlete on a rape charge.  The varsity baseball player had attended the same concert and met the victim, and other HPHS student, at the event.

This raises the question: Can a school punish students for behavior that takes place off-campus outside the context of a school activity?  In other words: Do schools have the authority to discipline students for the things they do on their own time?  I had to face this issue personally during my years as a high school counselor.  My response was always "Yes."  Our school had a zero tolerance policy when it came to drugs and alcohol.  Our student handbook (as does the one for HPHS) noted that it was against school policy to even be in the presence of drugs and alcohol.  A student was disciplined after the first offense.  It was usually my responsibility to follow-up with the student to help them make better choices in the future.  Sometimes it involved alcohol and drug related counseling, but most of the time it meant sensitizing them to the dangers of under-age drinking.  If there was a second offense the students was asked to withdraw from the school.

I seldom encountered any resistance from parents.  In some cases they were not aware of the at-risk behavior.  I always tried to work in concert with parents, providing both resources and support.  If there was an objection it came from the student.  We were sometimes accused of running a "police state."  In the minds  of the kids; We, as a school, should have had no control over what they did on their own time.

One of the critical components for parents is a support system.  It's important to have adults who share our values, and concern for our kid's welfare, involved in their lives.  Teachers, counselors, coaches and administrators should be viewed as advocates for what we as parents are trying to accomplish.  I am not saying that every person in the education system makes our kids their top priority.  Like in every profession, their are some misfits, but until they violate our trust they need our support and encouragement.  It's a tough world and we, and our children, need all the help we can muster.

The Saints in My Life

Today is All Saints Day.  It's ironic that I am in Michigan, because I grew up here.  The saints who impacted my early life all lived here.  Some of them were relatives: like my dad and my grandparents.  Others were adults who I knew through church and school: Pastor George Kurz, my Sunday school teachers and youth group counselors.  One of those special saints was my Aunt Phyllis.

Phyllis Ulbrich was my mother's younger sister.  Neither she or my mother's brother ever married.  Aunt Phyllis and Uncle Don were my Baptism sponsors, which made them my godparents.  They took that role seriously and actually were like another set of parents.  Aunt Phyllis took me to my first movie, Peter Pan, and in my college years took responsibility for sending me care packages.  We vacationed together for a week each summer at a cottage on Lake Huron.  Aunt Phyllis was also my first grade Sunday school teacher.  She taught the first grade Sunday school class at St. James Lutheran Church for over thirty years, until her health declined.  She was only in her mid-fifties when rheumatoid arthritis took her life.   I still miss her.  Aunt Phyllis, along with other adults in my life, were my moral compass.  She never hesitated to share her opinion or call me on my behavior. 

Who are the significant adults in the lives of your children?  All kids need a support system.  They need to be surrounded by other adults who share the values and faith system of their parents.  Sunday school has become passe and participation in church youth activities is on the decline.  Even church attendance is considered optional to some families.  Today's mentors are coaches, scout leaders and other adults.  There is nothing wrong with that, but I have to wonder who is passing on the heritage of faith and reinforcing the Christian values?

All Saints Day might be a good time to stop and ask, "Who are the  Saints in the lives of your kids?"

Suicide Threats: Take Them Seriously

The high school in Coppell, Texas experienced the death of two students last week.  One of those deaths received a lot of press coverage, but the other was barely mentioned. A star football player drowned while cliff-jumping with some friends.  The other student was found dead of a self-inflicted gun shot wound in a local park.  The football player was honored by both teams during last Friday nights game.  The media even covered his funeral.  I have not even seen an obituary for the other young man.  I guess I should not be surprised.  Teen suicide is the killer we don't like to think about.

I took suicide seriously during my years as a high school counselor.  At the first mention of a threat to do harm to one's self, I got parents involved.  My colleagues were also on high alert to watch for the warning signs.  I talked with students about the issue and made sure they knew what to look for.  Often the intervention took place because a peer alerted me.  Macabre drawing and self-mutilation were warning signs.  Even if the student denied it, or blew it off as "I was just joking around," We took it seriously. 

What are the warning signs?  Here a couple of things to look for:

A disinterest in previously favorite activities:  If a student is involved in an extra-curricular activity and suddenly gives it up, that could be an indicator. 

Withdrawal from friends and family: Young people who are contemplating suicide will often withdraw.  If they show no interest in hanging out with friends and start spending extended time alone, it's time to ask questions.

Neglecting personal appearance and hygiene: Most teens are very conscious of their appearance.  If that changes it could be an indication that they are giving up on life.

Change in Sleep Patterns: If they tend to sleep during the day and stay up at night, it's time to check things out.  Get them to their doctor and find out what's going on. 

Substance Abuse: Drugs and alcohol can lead to a downward spiral. 

For more information I would recommend checking out the following website: http://www.teensuicide.us/articles2.html

The Grossest Place on Earth

I am embarrassed because I could not remember his first name.  Unfortunately his last name, and the very descriptive and vulgar nickname that became attached to it, are etched in my memory.  I recently dusted off the yearbook from my freshmen year in high school and discovered his first name was Randy.  The problem was Randy was physically different, and that difference was plainly evident behind the closed doors of the boys locker room.  A couple of the football player, who just happened to be in the same gym class, picked up on Randy's distinctive characteristics. They bestowed the nickname and it stuck.  That's probably the reason Randy's picture only appears with our 9th grade class.  He didn't return for his sophomore year.  I only wish now that I had said something to Randy, encouraged him in some way.  To this day I wish I could say, "I am sorry."  While I didn't make up the nickname or even referred to him that way, I did laugh at the antics of the bullies.

That experience, and my years as a basketball coach, confirm it; The middle and high school boy's locker room might be the grossest place on earth.  Another reality; The loudest and smuttiest males usually hold court.  Many of their classmates become the audience.  Unfortunately there often one or two individuals become the victims.

I though of Randy this week when I heard the news report of another boy who was the victim of locker room bullying.  In this case the boy took his own life.  His classmates knew what was happening.  The teacher/coach was aware of it.  Several parents were even conscious of what was going on.  And nobody did anything.

It's easy to write off locker room humor as a tradition.  Surviving it could be viewed as a right of passage, but there are victims who are permanently scarred.  For that reason I feel a need to offer some suggestions for parents who have boys in middle and high school.  It's really important for dads to take the lead on this issue.

Don't ignore the subject: Talk to your son about the issue of locker room behavior.  Reflect on your experience when you were in school and share what you saw and heard.

Confront the issue: Discuss what can be done when locker room bullying starts.  Remind them that the one thing they can do is not reinforce the negative behavior.  If bullies don't have an audience they usually quit.

Become an advocate: Encourage your son to become and advocate on behalf of the victim.  Make the coach or teacher aware of what is going on.  Let victim know you care about them.

Model appropriate behavior: As an adult, you need to be a role model.  Watch your comments about other people.  If there is nothing positive to say about someone, it's probably best to say nothing. 

Locker rooms smell enough without adding to their grossness through the language that is used

The TCU Quarterback and a Lesson From Dad

Sometimes it's tough being a dad.  Parents who think it gets easier once the kids leave the nest have a lot to learn.  Stan Pachall learned that again this week.  Stan's son, Casey, is the starting quarterback at Texas Christian University (TCU).  As a TCU season ticket holder, I have become familiar with Casey and his "Texas gunslinger persona."  Earlier this year Casey was disciplined by his coach after failing a random drug test.  Early this past Thursday morning Casey drove through a stop sign in front of a police car.  He subsequently failed a breathalyzer test and was arrested.  While Casey was in trouble with the law, he was in ever deeper "hot water" with dad. 

Many parents would have rushed to their child's aid, bailed them out and then ushered them home to that protective environment.  But Stan Pachall is not such a parent.  He's probably learned from his experience as a Texas State Trooper.  Stan and his wife let Casey sit in his cell until the afternoon.  After Casey's release, Stan made a brief statement to reporters.  "He's got a lot of responsibility riding on his shoulders, so he needs to be responsible for himself.  Now we're going to start that journey and see where it leads."

Instead of taking him home to that protective environment, they dropped him off on campus.  If you question that action just think about this: He's the starting quarterback on one of the top football teams in the country and now he has to face his peers knowing he screwed up and let them down.  Part of the responsibility that Stan Pachall was talking about is facing your peers, knowing they were counting on you.  Would Casey have experienced that while isolated in his parent's home?

Fifteenth ranked TCU will play Iowa State today.  Casey has been suspended by coach Gary Patterson, but he will still be on the sidelines.  I know some people are upset at this, but in my mind it is all part of teaching him responsibility.  He has to face his teammates knowing he let them down.  If the team loses, he has to accept part of the blame.  If they win, it proves he's not irreplaceable.  Would he have the same experience if he watched the game on TV at home?

We still don't know what Casey Pachall's future is  at TCU, but I do know this: When it comes to being disciplined I think I would rather face my football coach, than a dad who is determined to teach his son to be accountable for his actions. 

Stan Pachall has given all parents an example of how to teach kids to be more responsible.