Survey Says: It's Tough Being a Dad

A new survey from the Pew Research Center caught my attention.  Most Say Being a Father Today is more Difficult, the heading announced.  The report was based on a 2011 survey of over 250 dad and a slightly higher number of mothers.  A majority of dads, 63%, stated it was more difficult today.  48% of moms were in agreement.  Only 8% of dads polled felt it was easier today.  The balance felt the degree of difficulty was about the same when it came to their role as a father.

While the survey sample was relatively small, I still found the results troubling.  From a historical perspective, I can identify numerous times when being a dad was more difficult.  When just considering the 20th Century I can pinpoint several periods when fathering was probably more of a challenge.  The period of the Great Depression immediately comes to mind.  For many dads the financial challenges were so overwhelming that they actually abandoned their children.  During World War II many dad left home to defend their country, other older dads had to face the prospect of having their sons and daughters placed in harms way.  Having lived through the Viet Nam War era and also the racial tensions of the sixties, I know that was a tough time to be a dad as well.

I think one of the reasons dads today view things as being more difficult is because they have lost perspective.  That is not just limited to a historical view.  I truly believe we need to keep things in perspective spiritually.  My faith in God assures me that he will never put me in a situation that I cannot handle.  Through God's power I truly believe that like Paul, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."  (Philippians 4:13)  I know I am not alone in that perspective because I hear the same conviction expressed by other Christian fathers.

Perhaps the problem is too many men today have their priorities wrong.  When our priorities get turned around, over time things become more difficult.  When we focus on ourselves and the things of this world we are destined to a life where we are never satisfied.  Everything, including the responsibilities we have to our families, becomes more difficult.  Our relationship with God must be our number one priority. 

The Man and His Poopy Dog: WWDD

It's Father's Day this coming Sunday. I know I've written about my dad before, but a recent incident caused me to once again reflect on his impact on my life.

My dad tried to be friendly with everyone he met. He liked to sit on the front porch and chat with the folks who passed by. My folks lived in the City of Detroit until 2004 when his health declined. The neighborhood went through lots of changes and eventually declined, but my parents were able to survive in the same house for over forty years. I think a lot of the credit should go to my dad.

Today, we live on a corner lot. Instead of a front porch we have a back patio. We chose to install a white picket fence, as opposed to a wooden privacy barrier. I too like to be able to greet my neighbors as they pass by. One familar face is an older man who rides a three-wheeled bike. It's the kind that allows him to peddle from a seated position. I assume he's a Viet Nam veteran because he wears a cap representing that conflict. An American Flag is displayed on a pole at the rear of the bike. I can always hear him coming because he has speakers installed on the back of his bike. He listens to conservative talk radio and has the volume cranked way up. The first time I heard it I immediately thought I was in the midst of some propaganda campaign.

The man also has a little dog. It's really is a mangy mutt, and not the least bit friendly. It barks and growls at everything. Our city has an ordinance that makes it illegal for people to allow their dog to defecate on public or private property. Dog owners are supposed to carry plastic bags and clean-up after their dogs do their duty. I don't think this man has totally embraced the law. When I notice his mutt leaving a deposit on my lawn one day, I reminded him of the law. His response, "S_ _ _ happens. Deal with it."

I the past I would wave to the man and attempt to engage in conversation, but since that day I've ignored him. Recently, I've had second thoughts. I've had to consider WWDD: What would dad do? Am I going to let a pile of poop keep me from at least trying to extend a hand of friendship? Granted, in this case it's probably going to be rejected, but at least I have tried.

I have no doubt that there is a connection between WWDD and WWJD: What would Jesus do? I know the source of my dad's core values. Now I am now compelled to live the same way. I challenge you to do the same. As parents and grandparents, we need to model love and acceptance, not anger and judgement.

Facing Up to Facebook

Facebook has been in the news a lot lately. A couple of weeks ago they went public with their stock and created a quite a stir. This week they are back on the front page with their plan to allow kids under the age of thirteen to create accounts under parental supervision. The plan was initially reported in the Wall Street Journal and drew an almost immediate response from privacy advocates and lawmakers. A federal law, the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) prohibits internet companies from collecting personal information from children younger than thirteen. Facebook claims to have the techonology that will help parents proactively oversee their children's activities without violating the law. The company currently rejects anyone under age thirteen, but acknowledges that parents often help younger children create accounts.

I can honestly say I don't know how I feel about this issue. I have no doubt that Facebook's plan is designed to increase their profits. At least they are being honest when they say they know some people are already circumventing the system. In some ways I wish they would be more pro-active in encouraging parents of all minors, those under the age of eighteen, to monitor their children's use of the social network.

Probably the most disturbing aspect is some of the online chat. There are parents who are upset that they will have to supervise and monitor their children's use of a social network. I have to wonder how those same parents feel about others aspects of their children's lives. I would hope they would monitor their children's driving once they have their license, and their dating habits once they enter that stage of adolesence.

Social networks are a part of our culture. As adults it is our responsibility to help all children use them in a positive and productive way. If we make sure they have the proper instruction before they get behind the wheel, we need to make sure they are equipped to enter the world of the internet as well.

It Takes a Village

We spent last weekend in Georgetown, Texas celebrating the marriage of our son, Mark, to Kristen Seals. Mark was the last of our children to get married. It was the second family wedding in less than a year; Our daughter Katie married John Seal last September. Our oldest Son, Peter, has been married to Amy for almost thirteen years and God has blessed them with three boys. What a blessing to watch the family grow.

For many of our extended family it was the third trip to Texas within the last eighteen months. In addition to the two weddings, we also celebrated Peter and Mark's ordination into the pastoral ministry in January, 2011. It's not surprising, Barb and I both are blessed with families that love and support each other through the time of celebration and grief. It doesn't end there, however. We are surrounded by friends who share in those times as well.

In the case of both recent weddings I was honored to be able to make a toast at the wedding reception. In each case I noted the important roles that each of those present had played in the lives of the bridal couple. It takes a village to raise up a child and God has always blessed us with communities where our family has felt loved and supported. As with many ministry families, we have moved often. Over the years our children have been part of five very different faith communities. The one consistent element has been the presence of caring adults who not only related to our children, but modeled faith and discipleship.

In a time when there is so much emphasis on mega-churches that are able to offer the biggest and best in facilities and program, parents need to be mindful that it is still the people who will have the greatest impact on our children. Encourage and cultivate that support system. They are the people who will guide you and your kids through the difficult times in life.

Teens and The Shopping Mall

During my time as counselor at Lutheran High School of Dallas I received a unique phone call one Monday afternoon. It was from the head of security at one of the local shopping malls. He was calling me as a courtesy, and said the information was off the record. He went on to tell me that three of our students had gotten in trouble at the mall the previous Saturday. He knew they were our students because they were wearing apparel with the school brand. They also had student ID's. He obviously could not provide names but he suggested that I remind all our students that no matter where they were, they were representing our school. I thanked him and assured him that I would address the issue. Yes, it was not the way we wanted our school to be represented. Since we were a small private school, and there were few secrets: It didn't take long to find out who the students were. While I never addressed them specifically, I did discuss appropriate behavior with several groups students, making sure to include them.

The experience came to mind recently when it was reported that the most popular mall in Dallas, North Park, is banning unchaperoned teens under seventeen after 6:00 PM. The same article reported that some malls in the U.S. did not allow any unchaperoned teens. The issue; teen behavior had become a problem and their meer presence was bothering other patrons.

I can understand the many good teens who act responsiby being upset, but I also realize why malls have to take the actions they do.

I think part of the solution lies within the realm of effective parenting. When kids report that they are heading to the mall the two questions that should be asked are: What is the purpose of the visit? Who will you be with? Going to the mall for a specific purpose is ok. Going to the mall to hang out is not. It's the old adage: Idle hands are the devil play ground.

We also need to remind our teens over and over that no matter where they are they represent their families, their schools and even more than that they represent their God.

Face to Face Conversation Still Rules

There is no doubt that we live in the age of social networking. Facebook, My Space and Twitter are part of our worlds. When you add in the amount of texting that we do as American, it's easy to assume that face-to-face conversation in on the decline. According to a new book, that is not the case.

The appropriate title is The Face-to-Face Book. The authors, Ed Keller and Brad Fay, are principals in a market research and consulting firm. Over the last six years they have collected data on over 2 million conversations. One surprising finding is that 75% of our conversations still happen face-to-face. Even more significant is that people tend to view such conversations as more positive and satisfying. People are perceived as being more credible when they communicate face-to-face, as opposed to on-line.

If you have any doubt that this is the case, visit a fast food restuarant or coffee shop where teens are present. You will quickly conclude that teens still enjoy hanging out together and talking to each other.

The question now becomes: what can we as parents be doing to encourage face-to-face conversation. As with other behavior, the best way is to model it. Talk about the value of personal conversation and identify individuals in your life who you enjoy visiting with on a regular basis. Build in time for personal conversation as a family. Family meals at home or at a restuarant provide such opportunities. Stipulate that texting is not allow during such times. Establishing no texting zone. Designate certain rooms in the house as no texting areas, and don't allow texting in the car. Limit the social network conversation between you and family members. Insist that information, comments and the expression of opinions between family members be expressed face-to-face.

Social networking is a great way to stay in touch with those that we do not see on a regular basis, example old friends or relatives that live far away. Social networking should never be a replacement for good old conversation.

ONE TEEN ISSUE THAT CAN BE SOLVED

Our teens are at risk. Unfortunately many of the issues threatening our teens are out of our control. When we allow them behind the wheel of a car we run the risk that that they might make a fatal decision. As much as we preach about the dangers of substance abuse, some teens are still going to experiment with drugs and alchohol. Another reality is teen suicide. We can know the warning signs, but even then some kids will slip through the cracks and decide to end their own lives.

So what is the teen issue that can be addressed and solved? It's obesity. The reason we need to address it: Type 2 diabetes.

According to a recently released report done by the University of Colorado Denver, a third of American children and teens are overweight and obese. Such kids are at a higher risk of developing Type 2 diabetes.

I am familiar with Type 2 diabetes because it runs in my family. Five years ago my doctor told me I was a borderline diabetic. As a result my mantra became, "diet and exercise." I watch what I eat and I walk two miles at least five times a week. I monitor my blood sugar. When I had my last physical the topic of diabetes never came up.

As adults we can teach our kids the value of good nutrition. We can model that behavior by being responsible eaters as well. We can make sure our kids are getting their proper exercise and be an example there as well. We can control what is eaten within our homes.

Our grandsons, ages 4 - 8, were staying in our home over the Christmas holiday. I happen to pass through the kitchen during breakfast time. Grandma had placed the various cereal options on the kitchen table. I was surprised to hear five year old Caleb reading the nutritional value of each one. He knew exactly how many grams of sugar and protein each contained. If a five year old gets it, why not a fifteen year old?